Thursday, September 6, 2007

It is Hard

This morning I missed a phone call from my mom. She left a message that my dad had an “eventful night” last night. I tried calling her at the hospital to see what was going on and she informed me that he had an allergic reaction to the morphine. His blood pressure dropped to 40/30 and at some time, he had no pulse. She couldn’t talk because the doctor had just come in to the room and said she’d call me back.

When she returned the call, Mom put Dad on the phone to relay the events of the night. I have such mixed emotions when I listen to him. He always speaks with such doom and gloom. He said, “I thought I wasn’t going to make it last night”. I told him, “but you did”. “We don’t know what the future holds” was his response. It’s so difficult to remain positive around him. I love him but wish my heart could go back to the way it was when I was younger. I was always “Daddy’s little girl” and he could do no wrong in my eyes. It was always my goal to please him and holding his hand and being with him was such a highlight for me when we’d go out somewhere. My struggle now is with seeing him as a husband to my mom and a son to my grandma and just the flaws that are highlighted in his being a human being.

All the details are scary. There is fluid around my dad’s heart. They have to do a cardio echogram to determine where the fluid is coming from. A needle biopsy will be done of the lymph nodes that are swelling which could mean the cancer is back. The biopsy will determine if it is “Sweet’s Disease” or if they need to do more testing. He also has a tiny blood clot in his lung that would’ve killed him if it were larger. It’s still a waiting game as we look to hear the results of all these tests.

My focus right now needs to be on thanking God that I still have a dad with me rather than on the fact that he could’ve died last night. I was told this weekend (by an extended cousin of Rod’s that lost her husband to a sudden heart attack a couple years ago) that it’s just hard. Every day is hard. It gives me some comfort to know that although I’m finding it difficult accepting this reality of life, it is hard and that is o.k.

1 comment:

  1. Trisit,
    Thanks for letting me read and share your blog. As I read through your days I got tears in my eyes. I know you are struggling, but be reassured that there are many who find you encouraging and amazing. You constant dedication to God despite everything is so empowering and wonderful. There is never a time I walk away from talking with you that I don't seem to feel better (even if our conversations seem depressing). I am sorry you have to see your dad suffering. I can't imagine how that must feel. I hope he finds relief soon.