Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A Journal Entry

Yesterday, we received news that the cancer has spread to Dad's bone marrow. That was not the case when he was diagnosed in February and it is really hard to comprehend how it could spread so quickly. He was just declared "cancer free" back in March or April. We've only been waiting for his blood counts to go up to where they should be so he could have the bone marrow harvest and transplant. This is all just so hard to wrap my mind around. The past couple of days I have found myself continually in a pool of tears. There just seems to be no way to control my emotions.

I feel bad because both Jaycie and Nikelle are noticing my sadness. I don't want them to experience life like that. Jaycie looked at me yesterday and made a sad face. I watched her expression and said, "Is Mommy sad?". She shook her head and walked away. Nikelle continually gives me hugs and last night as she was getting ready for bed, she came into my room to check on me. "Are you going to be o.k., Mom?" I tried to muster a smile as I said, "I will be. God gave you and Jaycie to me and that makes me happy." She walked away only to come find me in my bathroom a couple minutes later. "I just wanted to give you another hug." As I hugged her tightly, I was reminded of how much I truly have to be grateful for.

Today I pulled out my journal to write down some thoughts and pray. I found an entry from back in Februrary when dad was first diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma. Here is that journal entry:

"No matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. The goal is to grow [deeper] in character, in Christ-likedness." - Rick Warren

"You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others."

There are times that the gravity of Dad's disease hits me so hard that I feel sick to my stomach. I need to remember where my hope lies. Stay focused on God!

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