Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Ache in My Heart

This morning my heart is hurting – a lot. I just found out that my cousin, who had just announced to everyone that she was expecting, had a miscarriage. My heart hurts for her and her husband. It’s a pain I’ve never had to endure firsthand but my heart has more compassion for everyone who must experiences loss these days.

We are in one of those waiting moments with Dad. He had the bone marrow test yesterday and we are hoping for some results by the end of the day on Friday. I know he is extremely concerned. That concerns me. He knows what he is going through. He knows his body. I assume he even likely knows when the cancer is attacking again. He has a fever. This causes him to sweat a lot at night and not sleep well. The doctor didn’t really have anything to say about any of this. That almost makes it more difficult. I hate this part. I really do. I’m scared that if they tell my dad that he needs another round of chemotherapy prior to the stem cell procedure that he’ll want to quit fighting. I know he is feeling as though he cannot handle anymore. At the same time, I know it is only God’s strength that has pulled him through this far and it is only by God’s strength that he will continue to pull through.

Rod asked me the other day if I’m scared to feel happy. He asked if I’m worried that if I feel happy that I’ll have to feel sad as well. My response to him was tears. Later I pulled out some paper and this is what I wrote:

There’s an ache in my heart that continues to tug
But there’s no time to stop; through the day I must plug
The girls need their meals; there’s a schedule to keep
Still the pain in my heart runs so very deep
Numb is the only way I know how to feel
For all other feelings are just all too real
Fear crowds in daily or so it does try
Comfort is found only when to God I do cry
Today is the moment I must live in right now
For strength and peace I ask as my head I now bow

1 comment:

  1. You have a good hubby.

    Just feel what you can, when you can. There are no rules, my sweet friend.

    Give those strawberry girls a kiss for me.