Monday, January 21, 2008

In the darkness

I wrote this yesterday but hesitated to post it. Giving some honest answers to some caring people yesterday actually helped me through this darkness somewhat. So, I am going to share this post. Not because I’ve lost faith. Not because I want sympathy. Simply because it’s reality. My identity as a Child of God does not mean life is simply peachy. It just means I know there is hope – even in the darkness.

Everything in life seems to point to the future. Planning for tomorrow. School. New Life. Dreams. Celebrations. Vacations. So, what does one do when everything inside of them screams “NO” to the future?

This seems to be my life lately. I don’t dream much. I don’t really have many desires, either. I’m allowing this earthly life to suck me dry. I cried this morning during communion. Christ came to earth specifically to die. He did it all for us. Still He came… willingly…to die…for me.

I’m grateful. I truly am. Without that, the current circumstances of life would be truly unbearable. Still, I battle with my emotions. I hurt and fight to stay out of the depression that desires to take over my soul.

I know the choices I must make to prevent this depression from winning. I know God is where I must turn. I am confident that if I allow him to penetrate my heart and feel and give my feelings to Him, that He will carry me.

Unfortunately, I’ve made the choice to turn on the television. Here I don’t have to think. Here I don’t have to feel. It would probably do my life good to get rid of the television in our home. Yet I make excuses and continue to battle to stay out of depression. I’ve made my choice and know it’s the wrong one.


  1. There would be no hope without despair-for we'd have nothing to hope from.
    There would be no joy without sadness-for we'd have nothing to be joyful from.
    There would be no faith without doubt-for we'd have nothing to test and grow it.

    Never apologize for being you. God is in each moment no matter your growth when you're his child. He understands this stage of your faith and accepts it. You should too, when you can.

    Thanks for being honest. Many of us don't have that courage.

  2. Tristi,

    God continues to hold you (and your dad) in His loving hands.

    you remain in my prayers


  3. Your vulnerability and transparency through all of this is so refreshing. So many people want to hide behind Jesus speak, yet Jesus Himself, in His moments of deepest pain allowed it to be revealed in a very human and real way. We all keep saying we are praying, but please know we really mean it.

  4. All good gifts come from God, even gifts that help us zone out and rest and get relief from the worst of the pain. Having the TV on 24-7would be bad for you; using some TV as stress relief is not a sin. All things in balance.

  5. Tristi,
    It has to be truly exhausting (emotionally, spirituall, mentally and physically) to be watching your dad go through what he's going through. The battle within again despair and losing hope must be so draining.
    I can't help but see through your posts how you are constantly pulling from the only true source of hope and ongoing refreshment. And it's such an amazing thing to see you do this in as many ways as you can - through clinging to His Word, through writing your honest feelings to Him, through worship songs sung in ways you've never sung them before, through reaching out to family and friends around you. You're an amazing person of devotion to God, whether your faith is as sturdy as a rock one moment or your heart is straining to see a way through all of this the next moment.
    We will not cease praying for you and your family. I couldn't help but think of this verse while thinking about how you're feeling lately.
    Psalm 42:1 - "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God."