Monday, February 18, 2008

Living in Darkness

Close your eyes and imagine that once you open them you cannot see anything anymore. All you see is darkness. Your eyes are open but you're blind. No longer can you see the people around you, your house or God's creation. Darkness is what you are left in.

That is now what my dad is experiencing. Rod commented on how strange it was yesterday to have Dad staring right at him but know that he couldn't see him at all. What else will he have to endure before he can be whole again?

Dad slept most of the day away again. Because of this and his lack of sight, he no longer knows what time or day it is. My brothers were once again right by his side taking care of him. Mom, too. When I got there, Traci was sitting by him holding his hand. His mom and brother and sister-in-law came by yesterday as well. It's just plain hard on everyone to see him this way.

I think the part that made it so difficult for me was to see my dad as he is. He looks like an old, dying man. Cancer has taken him away from us and it still seems so wrong.

I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and did some grocery shopping (needed to do my own anyway). When I returned, my brother, Will, opened the door and told me Dad decided he wanted to get up and walk downstairs to the bathroom. He had not moved really other than to use the commode since the previous morning so this was quite the accomplishment for him! It is such a difference from just a week ago. This cancer attacks so darn fast.

Jaycie kept climbing on my mom's lap yesterday to sit near Papa. Nikelle didn't want to touch Papa's hand yesterday. She seemed uncertain and a bit scared. When I asked her about it on the way home, she said that she just doesn't want him to be sick. We talked a little more about heaven and she said, "I know he's going to get a new body when he's in heaven." It was comforting to talk about how he'll be able to see again and no longer experience pain. I asked her if she thought he'd have hair in heaven or if he didn't need hair. She said "No, he looks fine just the way he is."

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