Monday, March 17, 2008

????

I find my thoughts to be all jumbled these days. I can't sort them out. Thinking straight is something I've practically given up on. Everything I should be doing swirls through my mind. I think about people I'd like to get in touch with or hang out with. I think about life and how permanently altered it is without my dad. I attempt to stuff my feelings because I don't know how to sort them out. At the same time, I know I need to feel. If I don't allow myself to feel, I won't be allowing God to penetrate my heart.

I remember saying numerous times throughout Dad's battle with cancer that we needed to come out of it changed. So, I wonder. What is it God wants to do in me? What is it God wants to say? Am I willing to listen? Are the words that exit my mouth matching what is going on inside my heart?

I don't want my heart to grow cold. I don't want to become hard-hearted. I'm not sure what life holds as each day I face this lingering reality that Dad will no longer be a part of future memories.

Nike plays a home video wherein I see Dad or hear his voice in the background. It creates all kinds of emotions in my heart.

I've been tickling Jaycie's arm pits and asking her the question, "What's this?" She had yet to respond with the answer I've given her until today...even without posing the question. "Papa's tickle spots," she said. "That's right," I smiled slightly.

The conversation continues and I tell Jaycie "Papa loved you a lot". While I attempt to asorb her response "No, Papa. Heaven with Jesus." Deep in my heart, I know it's important to keep his memory alive.

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