Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Internal Struggles

One of my internal struggles lately has been with facing the fact that my father-in-law is battling cancer. I am having a difficult time sorting out my emotions with all of this. Although this is not new information, it seems as though his condition has changed.

Dad Carlson has been undergoing kidney dialyisis treatments for at least a month now. His entire diet is altered and he is no longer working. He had a lump the size of a small orange removed from under his armpit during the end of February. The concern is as to whether his chronic (slow-growing) leukemia has now become accute.

We don't have answers from anyone right now. It's frustrating to Rod and I. We don't understand why test results take so long. He had a bone marrow test before the dialysis even began and we have yet to hear those results exactly. We believe he is meeting with doctors tomorrow to hear some results from some tests but don't know much. It is all very unsettling.

The most disturbing part of all of this for me that I identified today is that I don't know how to pray. Do I pray for God to heal him? It seems obvious that I should. My heart is so confused. I KNOW God works miracles and that includes that he can heal my father-in-law. Still, I am hesitant to pray for my desires. Maybe I just don't want to be let down again.

At this point, I'm telling God that I don't know what I should pray. I want to pray for his physical healing. I want to pray for eternal peace and security. I want to pray for so many aspects. Yet prayer has become a struggle for me. I'm seeking to know God more and remember how constant He remains even as we face the hard times.

"For I am the LORD, I change not" - Malachi 3:6

2 comments:

  1. Tristi,

    My heart is with you during this difficult time.

    Honestly, sometimes it seems it will just never end.

    When my mother-in-law was battling colon cancer, Jeff got in a near fatal motorcyle accident and I just knew I was going to lose my mind.

    So I prayed for it all - for both healing and peace for Sue, for healing for Jeff but also for the strength and the courage to abide in His will, whatever it was. And there were prayers that were no more than 'God, you know my heart, be with her, be with him, be with me.'

    Pray for it all, Tristi. Sometimes the answer is no but at least we know we're being honest with God when we do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Tristi. I think this is my first time blogging here. I just wanted to say that I love Romans 8:26-27 because when we don't now how to pray, God still knows.

    " 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

    What Dennis wrote on his blog under March 19 OYB, I can totally relate to. He said that at times his best prayer is when he waits quietly before the Lord. That may be a good way for you to pray right now while it's difficult. There is comfort knowing that God knows exactly what you are going through and the Holy Spirit is interceding for you.

    ReplyDelete