Monday, March 10, 2008

My Human Perspective

There are so many feelings and thoughts running through me these days. Sitting down to write on a blog entitled "My Identity: A Child of God" has not seemed like a good fit for me these past days.

Don't get me wrong. I know very well that being His child is my identity. That's how I know I can face the future. Even still, I've been wrestling with myself.

On the way to church yesterday, Rod reached over and took my hand in his. As I looked at his strong hand holding mine, I began to cry. I feel like a little girl who has lost her daddy and doesn't know what to do next.

How did I stand up in front of everyone a week ago with confidence in sharing the hope of eternity with my dad without crying? Today, I cannot control my thoughts. I cannot fight the tears. It hurts to think through my human perspective. If I live the standard life expectancy, that's a lot of years without my dad.

I attempt to count my blessings and think of those whose situations are worse off than mine but it's a continual battle. The fact is that I am sad. This man that was a vital part of my life for 30 years is gone. Gone. Yes, I will see him again someday and that gives me great comfort. Really it does. Today, however, as I attempt to live this life knowing holidays (Easter) and birthdays and family gatherings will no longer be with this anchor for our family, my heart hurts.

I'm just learning how to live this altered life I now have. Part of my heart was taken with him and it is a learning process as to how to go on. So, for right now, I'm not much for talking. (I know, quite the shock.) Really, I'll be okay. It's just going to take some time.

2 comments:

  1. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  2. Tristi, you are so much on my mind these days. My heart aches for you and the feelings you're experiencing. I can still recall like it was yesterday the literal pain in my heart and the feeling that each day felt so wrong to be living life and doing my daily stuff without my dad in the picture. It's good that you're giving yourself time to feel these things because time is what you need. And I will pray that God will be very near to you as this time goes on. And that God would heal your heart in His timing and as He sees fit because He will heal it for you. My heart has never been the same, but God did comfort me and heal my heart as He saw fit.

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