Thursday, October 2, 2008

In My Confusion

There's no denying it, it has been a rough time here in my heart and mind these past months. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I've pushed God away. At the same time, I have far from embraced my relationship with Him. Overall, I would say that confusion has mastered this time in my life.

While I have not soaked in the Bible as I had while Dad was enduring his battle with cancer, I still have read Bible verses that have been printed in magazines, posted on blogs, or written in different books I read. I continue to attend church. My identity still lies in being a Child of God.

I have continued to pray in my confusion but find myself pausing and asking myself why I am praying. I pray because that's what I do. That's what God tells us to do. My conversations with God have been quite limited and oftentimes one-sided as I continue to struggle through this period of my life.

There are moments that God is able to penetrate my heart despite my lack of embracing Him and His Word. I continue to read "Where is God When it Hurts?" (Books are a slow read these days.) Here's another glimpse of what Philip Yancey writes in his book:

"The possibility of miraculous healing offers tremendous hope for the Christian. Yet if healing does not come, that dashed hope can be a great impediment to faith that can lead to feelings of betrayal and despair."

While the hope of healing carried me through Dad's battle with cancer, I struggle now. Why did God choose not to answer such an important prayer (in my opinion) at the same time answering such small prayers in comparison to the request of healing my Dad?

"...a hope for healing should be presented realistically. It is just that -- a 'hope', not a guarantee. If it comes, a joyous miracle has happened. If it doesn't come, God has not let you down."

This is what I'm attempting to believe. I know our God has not changed. I know the God I have been taught to love and embrace; the God I have learned loves me so much that He died for me; has not let me down despite my disappointment that a miracle was not performed so I could continue to share life with my Dad. I even know that in His own way, God did heal my dad. There is no more pain and suffering for him. He is whole again and with God for eternity. What greater healing can there be?

1 comment:

  1. I can so relate! Continue in His Word and hold onto what is truth. Don't let your emotions (grief, post-partom hormones, etc.)override what you know is true. Remember, its normal to have these feelings when you've been through so much in the last year and a half. God is still good. He IS our comfort and strength. "God and Time" is a great song that helped me. I think its by NewSong. Hang in there!