Monday, August 24, 2009

[sigh]

I am drained this morning. A 9:00 bedtime should have prevented this, so I was somewhat uncertain as to why I felt so tired when I woke up.

That's when all the memories of my dreams came back to me. Normally, I'm able to shake off the feelings. I will simply tell myself that it wasn't real, it was just a dream. There is often something in my dream that is so far fetched it anchors me back in reality.

Last night, however, it was all too close to reality other than it being a little early for Christmas. It was Christmas without dad in my dream. At my parents' house, without dad. My sister, brothers, and their families were there. We played Christmas music. I even remember when I opened a CD case, the Gaithers, Heaven, was on top.

Gifts were exchanged in my dream. I had emotions where I had to tell myself not to get self-centered and proud (again, all too real). In this dream, my cousin called and asked if she and her parents could come over and make dinner with us. There was just so much that seemed like it was happening. Nothing a big deal, just ordinary life without my dad.

It's emotionally draining because I can't shake it off as a dream. He is gone from this world we still live in. [sigh] Sometimes I wonder if the pain in my heart will ever go away.

I learn each day how to live this new reality of my life. I am able to count my many blessings and know I am loved by God. My girls bring such joy to the heart and there is so much to invest in family and friends. Life is full. Life is good. It's just that life is altered and I can't change that.

I hate not being in control.

3 comments:

  1. I have not had one of those dreams in a long time, but when they happen, they really take it out of you. They are so real!

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  2. Rod had a dream that I left him the other night for some guy who was going to start my own law firm for me. That one, although it seemed real, could be shrugged off as it didn't happen. Even he told me my dream seemed all too real. Must have a lot on my mind.

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  3. I used to have many dreams that were so real like yours right after my brain injury. I would wake up sobbing or screaming and Ryan would have to calm me down and assure me that it was a dream. It would leave me physically drained the next day. I totally understand why you don't like being in control especially after one of those dreams.

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