Monday, November 23, 2009

Thankful for the pain

When Rod and I were away for our marriage conference, we decided to take advantage of the time to ourselves and do a little shopping. I know that the world has been pushing Christmas ahead of Thanksgiving for quite some time now. Because of that, I have trained myself to just ignore the Christmas decorations until after Thanksgiving. What I was not prepared for was the Christmas music in so many stores and what that would do to my heart.

There were a couple of times where we had to leave the specific store we were in because my heart could not take the twisting feeling the music left me with. The holidays hold such special memories for me. My dad took time to make them special and I suppose that I connect my dad with the holidays so much because that was were he really, intentionally, made time for our family. Although he was identified as a family man, he worked long, hard hours to provide for us. Christmas was different. I suppose that's why my heart has yet to figure out the holidays without him.

I found myself in tears numerous times throughout the conference we attended. At one point, the speaker spoke of a gift his daughter had given him. It was a picture of herself as a toddler where she wrote him a letter. This sounded exactly like something I would have given to my dad for one simple reason: It would have made him cry. That was always my sign of a good gift. His tears were thanks for me.

At the end of the conference, we were to renew our vows to one another. Looking into Rod's eyes, I was already teared up. All the talk of weddings had me remembering my own and the very dear memories I hold so dear from the part my dad played in it. I did my best to renew my vows but I simply could not get out the words "in sickness and in health" through my tears. (Rod says he's in trouble should he get sick. And really, it's better than in our actual wedding ceremony when I never repeated the words where I take him to be my wedded husband. The preacher had given Rod two words at a time to repeat and expected me just to repeat the entire paragraph! That's all besides the point.)

I've come to a conclusion on my feelings for the loss of my dad. No, that doesn't mean I'm done hurting. It simply means that I'm choosing to be grateful that my dad's life is one to be missed. Many people don't leave an impact on those they've left behind. I'm thankful my dad did.

Thank you, Lord, for the pain in my heart because I lost someone I loved who loved me.

1 comment:

  1. That makes me want to give you a hug, so here's a hug {{{{ }}}}