Monday, March 22, 2010


It seems that whenever we want to change, we are faced with situation after situation where we are tempted to stay the same. I have really been convicted that I need to become self-controlled. Ever since attending Hearts at Home, I have been acutely aware that my temper is unacceptable and it is time for some change. I am hurting those I love most and that is far from my heart's desire.

I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last week with my 4-year-old because she was coughing so hard she was throwing up. Although very capable of handling the situation in the moment, morning came too quickly. The baby was up early as usual and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was greeted with crabbiness every moment I was in her sight. Nap time brought huge relief which ended shortly when my preschooler decided "room time" was over before I was ready. I simply had no energy to fight.

When my oldest returned home from school, I reminded her over and over again to do her homework. We were supposed to be leaving in an hour to go to my niece's track meet but my second grader was continually distracted from the task at hand.

While I was attempting to get everything ready to leave, the baby was demanding to eat some shredded coconut. Again, I was too tired to fight and gave in to her request. Too bad the highly-demanded snack was thrown all over the floor. I was now shouting at my 7-year-old to "DO HER HOMEWORK!" all the while fielding questions from my middle child.

At this point, my 18-month-old decided to drop a buck of toys on my foot. There are now tears in my eyes as I fight from allowing myself to completely lose control while I carefully pick every piece of shredded coconut out of the carpet. "Please do your homework," I begged my child.

I finally get the girls loaded into the van to leave. Deciding this is a good time to make long overdue deposits of Christmas money they received into each of their bank accounts, I head out the door. By the time I reached the bank, I had calmed down substantially. And good thing for that because the teller began to ask me if I knew that my checking account was overdrawn!

What?! There was no possible way! Having just received our tax return (and a greater amount than anticipated), I was quite certain she was mistaken. I attempted to convince the teller that she was looking at something wrong and she continued in her attempt to help me understand that my account was overdrawn. As I was beginning to wonder if there was some type of identity theft involved, she realized her mistake and went to talk to a woman in another drive-up lane.

As she completed the correct transaction for me, I got the message that the day could be worse. With a sigh of relief, I accepted the suckers she returned with the deposit slips for the girls and headed out to my niece's track meet.

My sister helped juggle the kids while we watched my niece compete. The baby pulled her sister's pony tail out of her hair and I attempted to console her as the oldest whined that she was hungry. It's just a typical moment in the life of a mom.

I was thankful that I was able to watch my niece run. I felt a well of emotion inside me and wondered if that is like anything I will feel when my own children begin extracurricular activities of the like.

I grabbed a pizza for the kids on the way home uncertain of whether I was grateful to get out to a meeting that evening or too exhausted to even head out the door. "Uh-oh," was my cue to the fact that I now had vomit to clean up from the baby now. I got everything cleaned up and the laundry loaded into the washing machine. Watching the clock, I quickly shoved some food into my mouth and headed out for my meeting. At the meeting, we discussed the news of a friend whose brother had passed away unexpectedly in his young 40's. He left behind a wife and three kids.

Needless to say, as I laid my head on the pillow that evening, my perspective was corrected again. I have three kids to care for. Memories to cherish. A husband at home beside me. I'm reminded to cherish each and every moment I have. For who knows what tomorrow will bring?

And what if this moment is my last? How will it be remembered? Will I be yelling at my kids? Will I be exploding at my husband? I don't want to leave those memories behind. I want my kids to remember that #1 - I loved God and #2 - I loved their daddy. That will leave them secure in the love I have for them as well as the love I have for others.

I may feel bombarded with situations that tempt me to lose my cool every day. What I need to remember is that it's worth facing every day. If that's what I need to change, bring it on!

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