Friday, April 18, 2014

When "I don't wanna"

I woke up with expectations. There was an agenda I could jump into. And then there were the things I knew I should do but didn't necessarily want to because they conflicted with my ideal day I had created in my mind.

My morning was not greeted with silence to sort through my thoughts as I had longed for. Our 5-year-old came down the stairs right on my heels. I could feel the tension building inside me and I knew what I needed to do. I sat down in an attempt to quiet my soul.

"Mom, I want to watch a movie." Perfect! Setting her up in front of a movie will allow me the peace and quiet I had counted on... until her movie of choice is one I have to inform her has been donated to charity...

Forget exchanging whispers with God before the shouts of the world! I decide to take the technology route myself as I cannot focus on reading anything of depth. Days off school bring with it some freedom from the calendar but also heighten the conflict between my desires.

"Mom, I want something to eat and drink." Deep breath. More footsteps indicate the entire household is waking up. Soon, my husband is attempting to discuss the day's agenda with me. Any other day I would embrace his attempt to get us all on the same page as a display of love and consideration... but today there is a war within my soul.

I arm myself with Bible and notebook and lock myself in the only sanctuary I can find: the master bathroom. My heart pours out to God through ink on paper and the tears begin to fall. There is pain I continue to try to bury and it's been weeks since I allowed God to speak Truth into my heart.

The Word of God stir thoughts and passions in my soul and the cracks in my heart begin to mend. Jesus asked that the cup be taken away. He didn't feel all warm and fuzzy about what he was saying "yes" to in the garden.  But, thankfully, He knew God's will was greater than that of our human hearts. It was because he lived to do the will of God above all else that we now have hope.

I may not be happy all the time about what I'm asked to do but knowing my purpose is what brings fulfillment in the end. There's comfort in knowing Jesus didn't leap for joy to obey God as He went to the cross... because it reminds me that my feelings can't dictate my decisions.

This Friday, as we remember the price Jesus paid on the cross for us, may we also allow it to impact the choices we make. When "I don't wanna"... I can remember Jesus didn't either but He did it out of love for God and love for us. That should be the driving factors in my decisions as well.

"Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives." - (Read more of Romans 6 here.)

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