Shifting our Thinking

“What’s wrong?” My husband was out of his regular routine coming downstairs immediately after he woke up. He began to explain how the sump pump broke and his need to repair it before the predicted storms. My gut reaction was the normal “woe is me”.

There is always something to complain about in every situation. We don’t have money for this right now… You have to get in to work on time for your medical test for insurance this morning… Why is there always something broken frustrating our days? The list is unending as to how I am inconvenienced.

“I’m thankful I saw it and there wasn’t a fire last night!” My husband expressed truth opposite what was playing in my mind. The girls and I slept soundly unknowingly of the smoking sump pump that was overworking itself without shutting off. My husband came home from a night out with friends and saw it before going to bed.

“I’m thankful it didn’t happen this past weekend when we were away!” Another response of gratitude from my husband interrupts my selfish thoughts. Our weekend camping trip had just ended and we were still in the process of packing the gear away. My husband spoke truth and his reflections were better for the soul than the ones swirling in my thoughts.

“I’m thankful you know how to replace sump pump already!” I joined my husband in shifting my focus. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. – Philippians 4:8

My husband was able to get to the store, purchase the materials, replace the sump pump and walk into his office at work one minute early! God is good. ALL THE TIME. Even when I don’t see the bigger picture and think I’ve entered a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

We may not be able to control the circumstances that come our way. However, we do have control over how we respond to them. There’s a lot of truly horrible news out there. A family of little boys lose their mother tragically and their lives are altered forever. Parents have their world turned upside down as they take their little girl in to the doctor expecting a virus and unexpectedly hearing leukemia instead. A mother fights to stay alive for her little boy with a double mastectomy and rounds of chemo and medication enter her weekly routine.

Most days this world is overwhelming. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the pain. I’m choosing to remember that we are only here temporarily. This world is not my home and eternity is waiting. This is just a temporary holding ground shaping each of us more into the image of Christ. How will today’s obstacles shape me?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4

Cling Tightly

“Cling tightly to the Lord your God as you have done until now.” These words sit in my mind and heart on Day 1 of Relentless (The Epic Story of a Hardhearted People, Their Warrior God and His Unstoppable Love). This very first day of an unexpected study has forced me to come face-to-face with emotions and thoughts I’d rather leave buried.

Unlike many participating in this study with Hello Mornings, I didn’t start my day with the Book of Judges. Since solitude is a soul exercise I am working to familiarize myself with, I waited until everyone was off to school and work for the day so I could be alone in the quiet. I pushed aside the to-do list. I resisted the urge to exchange shouts with the world and embraced whispers with God instead.

With my Bible open, God was welcomed access to my heart. I contemplated every question and participated fully by completing the timeline. As pain began to pang my heart when faced with my past, I welcomed it. God reminded me of Ezekiel 36:26 which He used once before to do a work in me. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

I sat and wrote about my emotions and past and present day. My mind kept recalling the dirty dishes and laundry; the walk I scheduled into my day; the agenda of the week. My heart begged for more of this moment. More God. More quiet. More disentangling the mess inside my soul. 

“Be still and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

Most days my life is full of noise. The kids wake up talking. Television numbs our minds. Technology distracts from our souls. My husband’s agenda doesn’t align with mine. Phones ring. Texts ping. Traffic. News. My mind is like a scrolling marquee of thoughts all day long.

Unless I am intentional, quiet and stillness will never enter my day.

I know that without solitude, the world and my mind obstruct my relationship with God. It is in solitude that I remember. All the distractions in this world make it easy to forget what God has done in my life. I wonder if that’s what happened to Israel.

“After that generation died, another generation grew up who did not acknowledge the Lord or remember the mighty things He had done for Israel.” – Judges 2:10

The people of Israel were to remember all the mighty things God had done for them. God commanded them to talk about them often. Their children were to be reminded of the great things He had done. Yet they forget God. They didn’t remember that He had parted the Red Sea; that He brought them into the Promised Land; that He is the Giver of all good things.

The same happens to me and it’s why I must practice solitude. The shouts of the world are too loud and too accessible. Wake up in the morning and turn on the television. Get out of bed and check Facebook or other social media. Answer texts. Return phone calls. Demands. Demands. Demands. It’s a world of shouting that doesn’t welcome God.

Through Relentless this morning, I was reminded not only to welcome God into my day but to cling tightly to Him. Solitude is the best way for me personally to do this. Communication with God through His Word, the Bible, and prayer along with quiet rest. Are you in need of solitude so you can cling tightly to the Lord your God? 

You can get your copy of Relentless here or sign up with an accountability group here. I'd love to discuss what God is whispering to your heart as well! Let me know by commenting below. 

"If the world was perfect, why did you let it change?"

The other day as Nikelle (almost 13) was doing her homework, she mentioned her assignment to me. I'm supposed to think of a question that I would want to ask God if I were sitting on a bench with Him. Then I am supposed to write what I think His response would be.

Honestly, I was a little nervous for her. I remember speaking up about my relationship with God when I was in school and the responses were not always encouraging. Still, I was curious to see what she would write. 

Today she needed to memorize her piece because her teacher liked it so much. She is going to recite it with some other kids in her grade. (I guess I didn't listen all that well to what this was about.)

I asked her if I could share it because I love her heart. I love that she doesn't taste fear yet in sharing thoughts about God. I think it's an example to the rest of us.

The first line is her question to God and the remainder is what she believes God's response would be in answer to her question.

"If the world was perfect, why did you let it change?"

I wanted something precious to treasure,

something for pleasure.

When I looked down from above,

I wanted to see something I love.

When I made my creation,

I wanted it to be something I could have faith in.

I created the light, the dark,

living things, even tree bark.

When the world was unblemished

I was almost finished.

So I set down some rules

so that my creation wasn't full of fools.

Everything was fine,

so purely divine.

Until sin stepped in my way,

that horrible day.

She took a bite,

he did the same without a fight.

Things were no longer perfect

I couldn't even look at it

Ever since the serpent said lies to her face,

what a disgrace

I couldn't talk to imperfection

even thought it was in my direction

So I sent them out

I had to leave them without a doubt

My perfect sparking gem

Well, let's just say it was no longer them.

Now I give everyone a choice

so that they can use their voice.

They can say "I will follow"

or they can continue to wallow

There is one way to be perfect again

Just listen, obey my commands and then

I'll wash your darkness away

so that you can come into my home and stay

Everything will be completely okay

just like my perfect world that was destroyed that day.

Fresh Start in Parenting

I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Unleash your Power to Start Fresh" at Jill's blog.

Have I truly equipped her to face all the ugly in this world?

Will she make the decision to love God and live in grateful response to all He’s done for her?

How will she handle adolescence?

Why doesn’t she want to talk to me?

What if she makes choices that ruin her life?

She’s the firstborn, so we’ll likely screw her up the worst.

My mind was constantly flooded with worry for my oldest daughter, in particular. I so desperately want to protect her; shelter her… I was overwhelmed with the responsibility I was given and I was trying to control the circumstances until God broke in.

Just over a year ago, my daughter and I crossed the finish line for her first 5K. We weren’t breaking any records. She hasn’t stepped foot out the door to run since. But we spent time together and in that moment, God spoke to my heart about the importance of quality time. More than anything, my daughter just wants to “be” with me.

I’m so grateful for the couch to 5K program and our time together because it taught me a lesson… It’s never too late to start. As fear overwhelmed my heart on my daughter’s future, I thought what was done was done. It’s not easy to change the way you parents after 11 years, but I did.

Parenting has a way of enlightening one’s self to their own selfishness… and I am the queen. It was a year prior to our race that my daughter first asked to run with me. I made excuses and didn’t let her. Running was my thing and I didn’t want to be interrupted. What I learned is that my daughter is a gift; not an interruption.

It’s really an ugly thing to stand face-to-face with your own ego. My life has been so self-centered for so long that I wasn’t even honest about it.

That’s why we finally did the couch to 5K. I told myself I wouldn’t waste the opportunity… and I’m so glad we did it… even if she isn’t interesting in completing any in the future.

Currently, I’m not running any races either. I’m adjusting to this new stage of parenting. There are only a handful of short years left before my oldest becomes an adult, That means more hard conversations... Uncomfortable talks are avoided until I think I can’t put them off any longer. I’m learning this dance with her of pressing for answers when necessary and giving her the freedom she needs to grow into herself.

I’ve quit trying to control the circumstances. There are times my husband and I tell her that we are not comfortable saying “yes” even though we grant permission anyway. We are trying to instill Truth in her so she will learn to ask questions for herself. Most importantly, we are realizing this is her life. It’s her relationship with God. He is the one writing her story and a little failure may be part of her growth.

I thought parenting was all about protecting my children. God is showing me that it is more about equipping them than anything. I have zero control over their tomorrow.

The best thing in all of this? His mercies are new every morning. I feel like I screw up this parenting gig quite often. Each day, however, brings new beginnings.

We may step on each other’s toes a bit as we learn this dance… but in the end, we’ll be grateful we did it. The mother-daughter relationship is a beautiful thing and I’m so grateful I get to watch her blossom into the women God created her to be.

Who knows... maybe we'll both work on the couch to 5K together again. Each day is the opportunity for a fresh start, right?

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3

One of the tools I’m currently looking forward to is Dr. Kathy Koch’s new book, Screens and Teens:  Connecting with Our Kids in a Wireless World (March release). This is a new area for us explore together and I’m so thankful for the tools to equip me to equip her.

 

Merry Christmas 2014

Dear Friends and Family,

As I think back on this past year, my mind has difficulty sorting through the stories in an effort to determine what to share in such a brief space. Time seems to move too quickly, making moments more difficult to capture. And yet, Christmas has a way of helping unwrap the memories.

The line “Nothing is impossible with God” from the Christmas story in the Gospel of Luke plays over in my mind. We have witnessed this in an extraordinary way in our own family over the past 12 months. Rod can give account of how he felt imprisoned by his job only to see God deliver him in a way that still blows our minds. He had no leads for a new job and yet found one placed in his lap. For the past six months, he has been enjoying the freedom of employment with Codilis & Associates. The story is amazing! If you haven’t heard it, you may want to ask him to recount the details. This current job is one he can see himself at for the rest of his life, God willing. There is opportunity for friendships as well as learning and growth. Most importantly, however, this job allows our family to enjoy his presence on a more consistent basis. Overflowing with gratitude, Rod is adamant that this precious gift of time he has been given will not be wasted.

I continue to focus my time at home. As the girls get older, my main role seems be that of taxi driver. Coordinating all of our schedules keeps me on my toes. When I’m not focused on running our household (who am I kidding… that’s my full-time job), I enjoy spending time with friends and serving in the church. I’m currently working to adjust priorities as needed in order to best live in the moment and for the day at hand.

As I read for Advent, I am reminded that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was likely only about 12 – 14-years-old. (The Bible doesn’t say specifically, but this was tradition back in those times.) With our oldest, Nikelle, being 12 ½, this fact brings the story of Christmas into a whole new light. In so many ways, she’s just a little girl. At the same time, this new stage of parenting has our thoughts more honed in on her future life as an adult. In just a handful of months, we will have a teenager! Our oldest is the musician and artist and is extremely even-keeled like her dad. Nikelle continues to play the flute in the school band. She has also joined the All City band which she loves. They will be travelling to Colorado in May and Rod will be chaperoning. (I think he’s ecstatic to experience the fullness of life as a band parent.) If you ask her, she will tell you music equals life. It may very well appear that way in her world as she has added piano lessons to her week this year as well. She’s excelling wonderfully and it’s a beautiful thing to listen to our daughter create music. We pray she will be able to use this talent to worship God and share His love with others. This past summer, she went on two trips with the church youth group. Getting a taste of what freedom from her parents (as well as from her little sisters) feels like, she is anxious for more trips in the future. While she has not yet quite passed her mother in height, she is taller than many adults at this point and cannot wait until she can look down at me. We are so grateful for this beautiful young lady God has given us to raise for Him.

As I think about what to say in regards to Jaycie, it just came to my mind how much she would have enjoyed being around the baby Jesus. She is a magnet for little ones. It’s such a joy to watch her take care of her little one-year-old friends. They just love their Jay Jay and she loves them! Most exciting is that her cousin, Cassandra, (who was married this past August) is expecting her first baby. I know Jaycie will work hard to win the love of this little one even with the competition of other family members vying for the baby’s attention! Jaycie is in 3^rd grade now and makes us smile often. Our middle daughter is the comedian of the family as well as the deep thinker. It’s always around dinner time that she cannot seem to contain the goofiness. Constantly, questions poor out of her on every topic. Recently, I came across a post-it note she had written that said: "God is perfect. We are not. Listen to God and Poof! We are His!" It’s this simple mindset of welcoming God into her world that reminds us to keep our hearts open as well. Jaycie has come such a long way from the little girl who wouldn’t leave my side. Because she’s such a hard egg to crack, there are still many who are unable to witness the “real” Jaycie. Yet in our home, we thoroughly enjoy watching her blossom into the person God created her to be. And it’s especially fun when others get a sneak peek as well!

Andelise can sing “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” this December. It’s a bittersweet moment as we exit this period of parenting younger children and so many “firsts”. She is in her final year as a Kindergartener at Our Savior Lutheran Preschool. We are so grateful for the partnership these teachers have had with us in preparing our girls for a bigger world. While their collaboration in sharing Jesus with our children will be missed, we look forward to what is to come. If all goes as hoped, Ande will join Jaycie at Eisenhower Academy next year. Our youngest is full of life and a confident leader. She loves people and hates to be alone. As the athlete of the family, she is quite thrilled to have figured out the jump rope! She’s enjoying learning how to read as well as attend AWANA where Grams is her leader. Ande embraces each day early to be certain no one leaves without saying goodbye. “Wave to me and blow me a kiss” she reminds us as she reciprocates from the front window. She’s busy until the moment bedtime comes. And I won’t lie: bedtime is sweet relief for us all. 

Christmas brings with it all kinds of ideals especially as portrayed in all of the beautiful songs of the season. “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…” “Deck the halls with boughs of holly…” “The fire is so delightful…” “Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright…” “I’ll be home for Christmas…” “Have yourself a merry little Christmas…” And I feel these ideals clash with the realities of everyday life that doesn’t get put on hold because “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…”

However, one line from the song, “Joy to the World”, has been replaying in my mind and begs for me to revisit. “Let Every Heart Prepare Him Room...” I find myself pondering ways to do that. More specifically, I wonder what in our lives takes up space in our hearts making it difficult to include the very reason for this season.

One necessity to keep the joy in the season is to let go of these ideals written in the tunes that play through my mind. The reality is that head colds prevent us from enjoying the beauty of Christmas lights. Band concerts and school programs fill up our calendars stealing time away from the fireplace. 5 different people have 5 different desires and “family ideals” conflict in a way that threatens our holly jolly anything.

The most threatening destruction for this family is that of busyness. Busyness steals our intentionality. Busyness works to divide our family. Busyness does it’s best to keep us from God. Busyness creates chaos leaving the only option for living as response mode. This is not okay. More than anything, we want to be intentional about life. And absolutely nothing should be more important than preparing room in our hearts for Christ.

Not only during this Christmas season, but in the upcoming 2015, you will find our household making every effort to “Prepare Him Room”. Above all else, this is what matters to us. This is our prayer for you as well. It’s the very reason for this season as well as for our existence. “Joy to the World! The Lord has come. Let earth receive her King. Let every heart prepare Him room. And Heaven and Nature Sing. And Heaven and Nature Sing. And Heaven and Heaven and Nature Sing.”

Love,

Tristi and Family

In Search of the Ideal Christmas

We baked cut-out cookies yesterday. "We" really did. Usually, I don't care to have extra people in my kitchen. I'm not very good at delegating and since I'm such a procrastinator, things are just better done quickly by myself rather than overseeing that others do what they need to.

This year, as in the past, my daughters cut out the cookies. (Despite the fact that they didn't cut out the cookies in as little space as possible to eliminate the need to continually re-roll the dough.) I placed them on the baking sheets and put them in the oven. My girls did great. I, on the other hand, dropped one shape on the floor as it went into the oven and another on the way out (twice).

[SIGH]

My oldest laughed.

And it made me smile.

Something is changing in my heart this season and I just want it to fully develop and remain there consistently in the future.

"Can we watch The Grinch?" my oldest inquired. It was past the movie watching hour. We still had cookies to frost. This does not make for an ideal family moment in front of the fire... but I agreed.

As is tradition with my controlling tendencies, I gave each daughter enough frosting to cover one of each shaped cut-out for herself. 4 cookies each for them to decorate as well as the joy of licking off any leftover frosting on their plate. As for the other 56 cookies, I frost them precisely on my own to be certain there is enough for each. Not to mention that they will appeal more to the eye. In the midst of my decorating, I heard my 9-year-old's request.

"Can I help you decorate the rest of the cookies?"

Calmly, I acknowledged that she had been heard. "I usually like to do this myself to make sure we have enough frosting for every cookie." (This, in itself, shows improvement because my first response would have been to try and ignore her and hope she'd stop asking... well, that or yell that I'm just too busy.)

"I can help," she assured me.

I quietly got her a plate and a knife to spread the icing. Her smile filled her beautiful face.

The Grinch began to play in the background as my two daughters who sandwich the one decorating with me sat down to watch it with my husband.

My little blond wanted me to hand her each cookie to frost. I was busy frosting cookies of my own. Quietly, after setting my own creation back on the cooling rack, I'd take the completed cookie from her hand, replace it with a new one and tackle another on my own.

I could feel the anxiety fighting to grab hold of my heart. Thankfully, the joy on her face and the peaceful scene in the television room in front of me won out. She was actually making the cookies appealing to the eye as well.

Something is changing in my heart this season and I want it to culminate and never go away.

This morning I read part of the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke and pondered about the anticipation in my children's hearts. Why do kids look forward to Christmas with such excitement when adults... well... don't?

All my girls do from the moment Christmas is over is count down until the next year. Tears well up inside me as the certainty of memories of that feeling within myself have faded. Now, worries and anxiety threaten to fill up my soul and steal every ounce of joy.

God has been doing a work in my heart this season. Every morning, I give him my anxiety. Throughout the day, I cast my cares on Him again. At night, my worries are laid at His feet. I can't stop the thoughts from threatening me. They come. And they come again.

Like a hot potato toss I can't give my worries to Jesus fast enough in an effort to keep them from settling in my soul. The only thing I can do is offer them up to the only one who has any control. This moment is all I have. Should the next moment require some alterations, I pray He will give me what I need to do that.

I want the ideal Christmas. And yet, it's taken giving up the ideals to attain what I've so desperately wanted. Those heartwarming moments are found more often when I relinquish control than when I so frantically work to create them.

I am still unable to pinpoint exactly what is changing inside of me. It points to my children and their anticipation and the lack of thought to anything other than the excitement of Christmas Day...

Maybe what I'm looking for is all in the anticipation of Jesus. Maybe there is something to be said about Jesus' words in Matthew 18. "He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I need to quit making my list and checking it twice. My heart just needs to make room for Jesus... in the same unhindered way my children do. Then I might just find all that I've been frenziedly searching for.

Overwhelmed for I am Never Alone

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect...

I have found that I need this for my soul… to remember.

Honestly, I believe we all do. It’s one of the reasons God gave us the command to rest. We need to take time for reflection. Without it, we never really truly realize the weight of all He has done for us.

Today, I’m recalling the past 6-7 years. For my life, that was when the whirlwind hit.

February 27, 2008 was the day my dad died…

May 26, 2008 was the day my husband’s dad died…

September 3, 2008 was the day our youngest daughter was born…

She was named with a purpose to remember and honor her Papa and Grandpa.

Our Girls September 2008

We brought her to church the next Sunday just as we did with both of her sisters. For our family, attending church on Sunday mornings isn’t optional. It’s what we do. It’s where we want to be.

A couple of weeks after her birth, however, our church moved out of the building we attended since years before our oldest was born. It was a big change… especially considering we were moving from a building that was within walking distance to a school (not far from the land that would someday hold our new building), about 15-20 minutes away.

And today is the last time we will gather together as a church family in that school. Christmas Eve will feel a bit like entering the Promised Land as we gather at our new building. I don’t want to miss this opportunity to reflect.

Our Girls September 2014

Last week, our family had the privilege to do the Advent reading at church. Each one of our girls surprised us and confidently spoke into the microphone just as they were asked to do. That was the start of my emotional morning.

Our children have had the experience of doing “church” in a way that doesn’t claim a building. They’ve had the experience of helping “set up” church. There is behind-the-scenes work that they’ve had a hand in. And this morning, I am grateful.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal doing portable church. And yet, this season for our church family has truly been a gift. I pray that my girls will always remember this time in the school so that they never forget this: The “church” is the people. The “church” is not a building. If we, the people, do not actively participate… attend… serve… give… there is no church. I pray that our time at Channahon Junior High will be a memory to reinforce this in my daughters’ minds… in my mind.

2008 was a tug-of-war with my emotions. If it weren’t for writing, I don’t even know how much I would actually remember. And yet, last Sunday, as I held my 6-year-old on my hip, those memories formed in tears. She sang the words of the final two songs in my ear and I could hardly keep my composure.

The tears poured because God has done an amazing work not only in my church, but in my very own heart. Oh, how true these words are. It’s the message God wanted me so desperately to grasp. In all of it… my entire life… broken friendships; broken hearts; broken lives… I was never alone… “Never Once” and that leaves me “Overwhelmed”. It’s not about me. It’s all about God.

I don’t want to forget. I want to always remember.

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect…

And remember…

He did it all because He loves me. He loves you. If we could only all grasp His message this Christmas. This is what the world needs. That’s why Jesus is the greatest gift ever given.

Never Once by Matt Redman

"Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave

Join us at Southfield on Christmas Eve at 4:30 or 6:00 (located on Route 6 in Channahon, across from Turnstone Drive). If you can't make it then, join us on a Sunday at 9:30 or 11:00. I'd love to see you there!

Unchanging Identity

I’m his wife.

“Mom” is who I am to three girls.

I am daughter; granddaughter; sister; cousin; and niece.

To one, I am "friend".

And to another, I am "neighbor".

For a moment, I had to ponder I am still called "granddaughter" by anyone. I only have one grandparent living.

If I move I’m not their "neighbor" anymore.

And I can't control that she decided I’m no longer her "friend".

My identity feels like it can change at any moment. Sometimes, that is hard for me to cope with.

However, there is one identity I cling to that is unchanging: I am a child of God. If there is one thing I can teach my daughters, it is this: Your identity should be found in God alone. In this world where life moves faster than a spinning top, I am so grateful that my identity in God NEVER changes.

Maybe today you need to cling to that too.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” – 1 John 3:1



I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.

Fit Him In (reminding myself)

I'm not quite at that Bah Humbug stage but could use this reminder in my life right now. While my life is very different than the season I wrote this poem, it's truth still resounds in my heart. 

FIT HIM IN

The decorations need to go up

There are presents still to buy

More gifts are waiting to be wrapped

And the bows each need to be tied

Pictures need to be taken

Letters wait for me to share

Envelopes still need to be addressed

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The Christmas story should be read

The Advent wreath is lit

The Christmas play we must attend

And the school party I’ll attempt to fit

Thank you gifts for teachers

Christmas classics we long to see

Menus wait to be planned

Emotions of Christmases past grab me

There are church services to attend

Extended family I wish to see

Parties need coordinating

I hear of a family who is in need

My mind continues to mull over my list

Another good cause begs me to share

Cookies are in need of baking

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

Weekly responsibilities still beckon

Work, school, homework and such

Math facts, reading, stories to write

There’s just so very much

The kids all still need bathing

Their little bellies need to be fed

There are diapers that are in need of changing

And that Christmas story still needs to be read

The house is in need of a vacuum

Dishes mount up and I begin not to care

Laundry still sits in waiting

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The dog is asking to go out

The ground has a coating of snow

My children will be begging to play

In the yard they will want to go

My husband’s eyes have that twinkle

I need to fit in some time with my friends

Exercise is in the back of my mind

Will these demands on me never end?

I should probably wash the windows

And the carpet, hallway, and kitchen floor

I still need to wrap presents and bake cookies

And yet everyone is asking me for more

People are pulling from every which way

Responsibilities are too much to bear

I go to bed praying... I can’t do it alone

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

I wake up in the morning to the cry of my child

And thank God when she goes back to sleep

I remember I can’t get through the day without Jesus

I open my Bible with the prayer journal I keep

The Book of Luke tells me of the way

Christ Jesus came to earth

My heart is filled as I read the story

Of the angels announcing our Savior’s birth

The inn was too full for the gift

that came to Bethlehem that night

There was hustle and bustle from the census

As the shepherds out in the fields were filled with holy fright

I wonder if I would have missed it

if I were there back then

Would I have been too concerned with responsibilities

Or watching and waiting as the shepherds had been?

I need to be intentional

if I’m going to include Jesus in my day

I need to remember that Christmas is Jesus

And take the time to spend listening to Him and pray

Many of these things on my task list are a good and necessary part

It’s just none of them do quite as much

as hiding God’s Word deep inside my heart

I must not forget about Jesus

as I go from here to there

I must remember it’s all about Jesus

and find ways to fit Him in everywhere.

- Written 12/11/09 by TNT Carlson

This I Know

How do we sort through our memories… the good and the bad?

How do we cope with the events in our life… the happy and the sad?

Do you ever feel God stirring your heart as you sort and cope in an effort to put one foot in front of the other?

I’m a bit surprised at what God seemed to whisper in my heart through memories as I watched a movie while we had the windows on our home replaced…

He walks around with a carpenter’s pencil in his mouth. His tools are familiar to me. He works hard and it’s obvious he takes pride in his work. Skilled in his craft, something tugs at my heart. He whistles while he works and I can’t help but smile.

We’re having our windows replaced in an effort to save money (as well as avoid further water damage to our basement). Rather than pack everything needed to complete the project only to unpack it again the next day, the men working on our house left all the materials and equipment in our garage overnight. When I opened the door from our house to the garage this morning, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was right where it was supposed to be. There weren’t any strange animals in sight. What I saw was what is in this picture: a table saw; construction horses; ladders; and power tools as well as stacked lumber, waiting to be used as trim for our windows… Mixed with the smell of sawdust, I felt a lump swell up in my throat… I couldn’t contain the emotions and wondered why they hit in that very moment.

Growing up, this picture was commonplace in our home. My dad was a carpenter, running his own business out of our childhood home built with his hands. One side of our house held a half-court-sized room with a basketball hoop in it. While we called it the “gym”, it served more as my father’s garage/tool shed. In an effort to make a space big enough to shoot 3-point shots, we had to push dad’s tools and supplies off to the edges of the room…

I’m certain the mix of emotions with this scene as well as the ones connected to the stranger in my home were connected to the familiar memories of my daddy. The sadness I used to feel over the loss of my dad has subsided over time… It’s been almost 7 years and I’ve wrestled with a lot of emotions over that time. There are so many memories that flood my mind and heart and each one requires sorting and searching and giving them to Jesus.

My dad loved me. I know this. And yet, honestly, my dad was flawed. He didn’t love me perfectly. There is a lot of pain in my heart over the memories that thread through my life. At the same time, the fact that my dad loved me is the core of what allows me to miss him as well as make sense of the bad memories that intermingle the good ones. With the truth of my dad’s love for me, I’m able to make peace with every memory I’m left to work through without him.

As I write this, I’m watching the movie, Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins. At the point in this songwriter’s story that he decided to go to Nashville, he sang “Jesus Loves Me”. God whispered to my heart that this was the point of my sorting through these thoughts on my blog this morning.

Just as I work through memories of my dad and my childhood with the firm knowledge that he loved me, I’m learning that this is what matters. Not so much that my daddy loved me… but that Jesus loves me; God loves me. My Heavenly Father loves me.

As I cope with all the thoughts in my mind, I realize it applies to the way I attempt to manage my life. Every detail of my world needs to be filtered with this one unchanging fact: My Heavenly Father loves me. That never changes. EVERYTHING is centered on God’s love for me. And unlike the memories of my dad, God is with me as I work through the hard times and good times of this life.

This is where I find peace. This is where you can find peace. This is where our world finds peace. This is the answer: Jesus loves me. This I know.

Do you know the depth of Christ’s love for you? Get a copy of Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins and set aside time to watch it. Maybe God will reach your heart the same way he met mine. It's worth every minute and every dime. I just rented it and now I want to own it. The message is life changing!

^“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

I'm Free to be Me

“Why did God make me mean like you?” This was the question posed to me by my 6-year-old daughter. While I smiled at her inquisition, it didn’t stop my heart from twisting inside of me. “God didn’t make us mean,” I informed her. “We just need to ask Him to help us make better choices.”

The most difficult piece of raising my youngest is the fact that every time I look at her, I see my reflection as if in a mirror. She’s filled with passion and can’t contain her emotions. There’s not much of a filter on her mouth. Her strong-willed personality is a battle almost every day. When I’m faced with the need to offer instruction and discipline for her, I find myself hopeless. God, how do I help her change when I don’t even know where to begin changing myself?!

Most days, I wake up embracing the truth of Lamentations 3: God’s mercies are new every morning. Then the day begins and I face failure, disappointment, sin, comparison and discouragement. Most of these hit hard before everyone is even out the door for the day. I struggle with who I am and why I can’t ever seem to overcome.

“You are too hard on yourself.” I hear this often from those I love. Yet, I’m left with a flood of frustration because I feel the need to be… although I can’t quite identify why.

Maybe I demand perfection?

Could it be that I just don’t think I ever do enough to please God?

I relate well to the main character in the movie, Mom's Night Out. Allyson, a stay-at-home mom, finds everything about her night out going wrong. She laments, “I’m a failure. I have failed again. That’s all I do. I can’t… no matter how hard I try… how much I give… I’m not enough.”

“For Who?” She is questioned by the biker friend lending a listening ear. He doesn’t beat around the bush when he directly confronts her woes “… for you? Not enough for you?”

Tears came to my eyes as this unlikely character spoke truth into this broken momma. The words targeted my heart. Just like Allyson, all too often, I feel like I’m not good enough. I’d like to be just about anyone else other me.

In his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Author Brennan Manning states “Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing… sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency.” In these words, I felt God opening His arms as the loving Father to accept and comfort me. I continued to read the words by Thomas Merton quoted in the book, “A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”

“You are accepted,” The Ragamuffin Gospel continues. “Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you really are accepted.”

It’s me that isn’t okay with me. My husband loves me. My daughters love me. My family and my friends love me. Most of all, God loves me… just as I am. Jesus gave his life for me so that I could spend eternity with Him. How could I question that pure love by fighting against the person God created me to be?

I am passionate. Yes, that means I struggle with containing negative emotions. Sometimes this plays out in the ugliness of anger. However, most of the time, it displays itself in the beauty of love. My weakness can reveal strength if I allow it.

I am strong-willed. Sometimes I can appear stubborn and demanding. More often, it allows me to confidently lead others in following the greatest commandments: love God; love others. Yet what God is showing me is that I am leaving out “…as yourself.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I can’t love others the way God loves if I’m unwilling to embrace the woman He created me to be.

The lesson I am learning is that guilt is a messy motivation. I cannot guilt myself to live better. God has never asked me to live in guilt. As a matter of fact, Jesus came so I could live in freedom. As I read the Bible, this message is engrained into my soul: “Where the Spirit ofthe Lord is, there is freedom!” (John 8; Galatians 5; Romans 6)

It’s time to quit beating myself up. Allyson (in Mom's Night Out) writes on her mommy blog: “I’m a mess. But a beautiful mess. I’m His masterpiece… and that’s enough.” It’s time I embrace that message and live it out. God defines who I am. Not me.

Bottom line: In Christ, I’m free to be me! (…and so are you!)

Do you struggle with placing high demands on yourself that God never placed on you? Take time to read the scripture referenced in this post. God’s desire was to free us. I want my life to start reflecting this more.

^“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.