This past week was an exhausting one. Although I seem overwhelmed with the to-do list that I have in my head, I think the biggest thing stealing my energy is simply the situation with Dad.
On Friday morning, my sister, Traci, called and informed me she was going to visit Dad. We left all the kids with Sabrina and went to the hospital. I’m grateful she called and asked me to go with her. It was a good visit and we were able to have some good conversations. There was a large shock factor as I entered the room and saw my dad laying in the bed: skinny, weak and with oxygen in his nostrils. He cannot even get out of bed other than when Mom helps him just to use the commode next to his bed. That shows he is fighting. Most people would just have to have a catheter put in. I still wasn't prepared to see my dad this way.
As I drove to pick Fiona up for our run early Saturday morning, the radio played songs from the viewpoint of someone in heaven. It was hard to listen to and comforting at the same time. I just cried for my dad. No one should have to go through what he is going through.
During our run, I was sharing my Kleenex with Fiona (the unused ones). We were talking about her daughter’s 1st birthday party and how mom and dad wouldn't be there. It also brought conversation about how they’ll likely miss Jaycie’s 2nd in a few weeks. Not to mention that we will be running this marathon without Dad at the finish line for us - our motivation is in a hospital bed -- in the ICU. There’s a lot of emotion surrounding the situation. At the same time, we don't forget that there is much to be thankful for.
Later on that day, Rod and I stopped to visit Dad again on our way into Chicago to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. We also brought him Dreamsicles because he was craving them. He fed himself the Dreamsicles which was good to see. He just hasn't been eating and doctors are encouraging calories of any kind. The visit was good for Mom because she was able to visit with Jaycie and Nike in the waiting room while Rod and I visited with Dad. Our visit with Dad, unfortunately, was not quite as uplifting.
Dad seemed even weaker than the day before and today, he was just downright discouraged. He’s been fighting a resistant staff infection on top of everything else. In our conversations, he continues to inform us that he just cannot focus. His days and hours are all jumbled in his mind and he just wants to get out of that bed. It's extremely discouraging for him that he cannot walk and do more for himself. This is the first time he has not recovered quickly from everything. When this whole battle started in February, he continued to beat one thing after another and really never had to be down for an extended period of time. Now, he can’t even really focus on beating the cancer until he beats this infection. He is weak and in pain. He has a terrible rash on his back and his body is full of fluid. Today, they are talking about bringing in some physical therapists to try to help him get on his feet again. This is what he really wants so I’m certain he’ll do whatever he possibly can -- even if that means using a walker.
Once again, I couldn’t really control the tears as I left the hospital on Saturday. I lost it before I even left the room -- telling Dad that I love him and I just want him home with us. Later, I told Rod that I’m not really sure why I’m even asking him to fight. Who would want to stay here in this world when we know the other option is heaven? My heart hurts for my dad. I know he is fighting for us. I’m grateful but hurting that he’s in so much pain and confusion.
God still provides me with peace as I pray about the situation. It may be peace that He will heal dad or it may just be peace that he will take care of us. Either way, there is peace in my soul when I pray.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Matthew 6:33-34
Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Every time the phone rings I find myself holding my breath. One day there is good news to report on Dad’s condition. The next day I find myself fighting off tears all day long from the news of the latest battles he has to fight.
Today is one of those days to fight off tears. Mom called first thing this morning to inform me of the infection my dad came down with in the middle of the night. Hearing her voice shake on the phone as she attempts not to cry is always difficult to listen to. I proceeded to call my maternal grandparents, at her request, and inform them of the situation. My instructions were to inform them of the changes in Dad’s condition but at the same time help them realize they need not worry. If she were to call, they would hear the emotion in her voice and want to rush in to visit. My grandpa, especially, feels the need to worry. He’s 80+ years old and shouldn’t have to see his daughter and son-in-law go through this kind of thing. I think his worry is a bit justified.
The appeals for property taxes are due on Monday. My parents’ property is currently under appeal with the State for last year’s tax assessment. Now, they need to appeal again with the County for this year's taxes. This time, while my dad is in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for his life. My mom has put hours and hours into fighting this outrageous assessment. How do we fight for her and not undo everything she’s worked so hard for? Overwhelmed does not even begin to describe the way I feel with this burden.
I spent this past Monday evening gardening. I went to my parents’ and harvested sweet corn and squash. The sweet corn had to be husked, boiled, cut off the cob and frozen. The squash just had to wait. I was only up until midnight with just two buckets of corn. I never mind enjoying the benefits of my parents’ labor but at times like this, I wonder if it’s just better to buy the vegetables at the supermarket. I do know that this is what Dad desires right now and it enables Mom to stay at the hospital with him. I just have to suck it up that I haven’t been to see my dad in quite a while. This is what they need right now.
Then there’s the mowing at their house; making sure the pumpkins and gourds aren’t rotting inside their house; harvesting the rest of the pumpkins, gourds, squash, corn and anything else that might be remaining in the garden before it rots.
There’s my own house; dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.; training for the marathon; watching what I eat; my marriage; being a mom.
I realize, that today is one day. That’s all I need to get through. Tomorrow can be dealt with when tomorrow comes. And the future will wait.
Any advice for raising my girls in the midst of all this? It seems as though I am yelling all the time. The girls seem to be fighting all day long and I don't even know how to go about stopping the whining. It's endless and I'm tired. I feel like I’m failing – BIG TIME.
Every time the phone rings I find myself holding my breath. One day there is good news to report on Dad’s condition. The next day I find myself fighting off tears all day long from the news of the latest battles he has to fight.
Today is one of those days to fight off tears. Mom called first thing this morning to inform me of the infection my dad came down with in the middle of the night. Hearing her voice shake on the phone as she attempts not to cry is always difficult to listen to. I proceeded to call my maternal grandparents, at her request, and inform them of the situation. My instructions were to inform them of the changes in Dad’s condition but at the same time help them realize they need not worry. If she were to call, they would hear the emotion in her voice and want to rush in to visit. My grandpa, especially, feels the need to worry. He’s 80+ years old and shouldn’t have to see his daughter and son-in-law go through this kind of thing. I think his worry is a bit justified.
The appeals for property taxes are due on Monday. My parents’ property is currently under appeal with the State for last year’s tax assessment. Now, they need to appeal again with the County for this year's taxes. This time, while my dad is in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for his life. My mom has put hours and hours into fighting this outrageous assessment. How do we fight for her and not undo everything she’s worked so hard for? Overwhelmed does not even begin to describe the way I feel with this burden.
I spent this past Monday evening gardening. I went to my parents’ and harvested sweet corn and squash. The sweet corn had to be husked, boiled, cut off the cob and frozen. The squash just had to wait. I was only up until midnight with just two buckets of corn. I never mind enjoying the benefits of my parents’ labor but at times like this, I wonder if it’s just better to buy the vegetables at the supermarket. I do know that this is what Dad desires right now and it enables Mom to stay at the hospital with him. I just have to suck it up that I haven’t been to see my dad in quite a while. This is what they need right now.
Then there’s the mowing at their house; making sure the pumpkins and gourds aren’t rotting inside their house; harvesting the rest of the pumpkins, gourds, squash, corn and anything else that might be remaining in the garden before it rots.
There’s my own house; dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.; training for the marathon; watching what I eat; my marriage; being a mom.
I realize, that today is one day. That’s all I need to get through. Tomorrow can be dealt with when tomorrow comes. And the future will wait.
Any advice for raising my girls in the midst of all this? It seems as though I am yelling all the time. The girls seem to be fighting all day long and I don't even know how to go about stopping the whining. It's endless and I'm tired. I feel like I’m failing – BIG TIME.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The 20-Miler
Yesterday was my longest run yet – 20-miles. I left my house at about 4:45 a.m. and didn’t return home until 10 hours later. The run was along the lakefront in the City of Chicago so we had to factor in the commute. It took me just minutes over 4 hours to complete the 20 miles. My knees are sore but otherwise, I’m feeling good. There are only 3 more weeks until the marathon and we are now tapering down for the event!
I am reminded of how I really do enjoy the runner’s high that comes after a good run! It is absolutely beautiful to run along the lakefront and we had absolutely gorgeous weather! Our muscles were not really wanting to cooperate in the beginning due to the cold. However, once that sun started to shine, it was the perfect running day! We started our run around 7:00 a.m. at Wilson Avenue and did our 6:2 interval all the way out to a half mile past The McCormick Place. At that point, we turned around and completed our run back at the start which became our finish line. Our coaches and the staff of Team in Training had pictures of some patient honorees at the finish line. It really does change a person's mentality when training for an event like this when there is a cause behind it. Those 4 hours went by with only one moment that I found myself telling Fiona we needed to find something to talk about because my body didn't want to keep up.
Just as we were leaving the City, I called home to check on things. Rod informed me that my mom had called to say Dad was out of surgery about 10 minutes prior. He had tubes put into his chest to drain the fluid from around his heart. Doctors have expressed concerned about this fluid since he’s been admitted. (They have already drained it once since he's been there). To prevent any future concerns with the fluid around his heart, they placed a hole in the sac around his heart. Supposedly, this sac where the fluid continues to accumulate is like your appendix. God did give it to us for some reason but doctors aren’t exactly sure why and they do know we can live without it.
The last report I had around 8:00 p.m. last night was that the hospital was managing his pain and he was doing what he could to stay hydrated. To my knowledge, the Ommaya Reservoir will not be put into his head afterall. Instead, chemotherapy will be administered into his spinal fluid directly. He is much more at ease with this decision. In my opinion, as long as he wants to fight and they don't see a huge difference in the outcome, let the man fight. I’m grateful he wants to fight. His doctor told him he believes either process will attain the same goal.
The pain in my knees is like a pinch of your skin. It is so minor compared to what my dad is going through. I am continuing with my challenge as he continues to fight his.
I am reminded of how I really do enjoy the runner’s high that comes after a good run! It is absolutely beautiful to run along the lakefront and we had absolutely gorgeous weather! Our muscles were not really wanting to cooperate in the beginning due to the cold. However, once that sun started to shine, it was the perfect running day! We started our run around 7:00 a.m. at Wilson Avenue and did our 6:2 interval all the way out to a half mile past The McCormick Place. At that point, we turned around and completed our run back at the start which became our finish line. Our coaches and the staff of Team in Training had pictures of some patient honorees at the finish line. It really does change a person's mentality when training for an event like this when there is a cause behind it. Those 4 hours went by with only one moment that I found myself telling Fiona we needed to find something to talk about because my body didn't want to keep up.
Just as we were leaving the City, I called home to check on things. Rod informed me that my mom had called to say Dad was out of surgery about 10 minutes prior. He had tubes put into his chest to drain the fluid from around his heart. Doctors have expressed concerned about this fluid since he’s been admitted. (They have already drained it once since he's been there). To prevent any future concerns with the fluid around his heart, they placed a hole in the sac around his heart. Supposedly, this sac where the fluid continues to accumulate is like your appendix. God did give it to us for some reason but doctors aren’t exactly sure why and they do know we can live without it.
The last report I had around 8:00 p.m. last night was that the hospital was managing his pain and he was doing what he could to stay hydrated. To my knowledge, the Ommaya Reservoir will not be put into his head afterall. Instead, chemotherapy will be administered into his spinal fluid directly. He is much more at ease with this decision. In my opinion, as long as he wants to fight and they don't see a huge difference in the outcome, let the man fight. I’m grateful he wants to fight. His doctor told him he believes either process will attain the same goal.
The pain in my knees is like a pinch of your skin. It is so minor compared to what my dad is going through. I am continuing with my challenge as he continues to fight his.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Life Goes On
Last night, the girls and I headed to Mokena to pick some pumpkins and gourds from my parents’ garden. We met Fiona and the girls there and my mom happened to be home. Nikelle ran to my mom and gave her a hug as Jaycie yelled “Ga Ga” when she saw her. I really think it was good for everyone involved.
It was a different year. Papa is normally there directing the harvest when we go. This year, a video camera is the only way he will be able to share in the experience. Right on cue, Maty and Nike told Papa they loved him and want him to get better to be with us. I’m glad they are young and don’t have to completely understand what is happening around them.
Traci and Sabrina went to visit my Dad last night and from what mom said when he called, his spirits were lifted. His best friend, Steve, who should allow my dad some good laughs, followed up their visit.
I’ve heard people talk about how life doesn’t stop when we experience tribulations like this. It’s a strange feeling. Driving home last night, I realized I had told Rod I would prepare a taco salad for him to take to work today. It completely slipped my mind. Looking in my rearview mirror, Nike was asleep and it was already 8:00 at night. I really didn’t feel like making any kind of meal at this point. That’s why Rod was picking up a pizza. Was it really already Friday? He said he’d figure something out on his way to work. Thank God for a husband who is understanding and lenient.
As life continues around us today, Dad will be having surgery to insert the Ommaya Reservoir into his brain. I will be drinking a lot of water and watching what I eat (unlike the pizza and cookies I ate last night) (thanks Nell -- for the cookies!) as I prepare for my 20-mile training run on Saturday morning. Not to mention, I'll be going to bed when the sun is barely down so I can get enough rest!
It was a different year. Papa is normally there directing the harvest when we go. This year, a video camera is the only way he will be able to share in the experience. Right on cue, Maty and Nike told Papa they loved him and want him to get better to be with us. I’m glad they are young and don’t have to completely understand what is happening around them.
Traci and Sabrina went to visit my Dad last night and from what mom said when he called, his spirits were lifted. His best friend, Steve, who should allow my dad some good laughs, followed up their visit.
I’ve heard people talk about how life doesn’t stop when we experience tribulations like this. It’s a strange feeling. Driving home last night, I realized I had told Rod I would prepare a taco salad for him to take to work today. It completely slipped my mind. Looking in my rearview mirror, Nike was asleep and it was already 8:00 at night. I really didn’t feel like making any kind of meal at this point. That’s why Rod was picking up a pizza. Was it really already Friday? He said he’d figure something out on his way to work. Thank God for a husband who is understanding and lenient.
As life continues around us today, Dad will be having surgery to insert the Ommaya Reservoir into his brain. I will be drinking a lot of water and watching what I eat (unlike the pizza and cookies I ate last night) (thanks Nell -- for the cookies!) as I prepare for my 20-mile training run on Saturday morning. Not to mention, I'll be going to bed when the sun is barely down so I can get enough rest!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Solid Rock
As we were driving to the hospital to visit Dad Friday night, I was writing down verses on "hope" to give to my parents. Rod began to say the words to the hymn "Solid Rock". I have the music to this song playing in the background right now and it's quite comforting.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly trust in Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/y/myhopeis.htm
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly trust in Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/y/myhopeis.htm
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