Think on These Things...

I desperately want to hope. All around me it seems like others are attempting to dash my hope.

I got some information about a particular cemetery for my dad this morning. I know it needs to be done… and I’m more than willing to help. Still, this phone call made it all a little more too real. All I want to do is cry.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I want to sleep, too. There are few greater things in this world than sleep. I go to sleep with my mind spinning, unable to focus on anything – or cope with anything for that matter. When I wake up, for a few short seconds, I’m refreshed and think all is well in this world. That’s when it all quickly comes back to me: the realties of this world; the lack of hope out there for so many; the stresses of the day. Yet in those moments of sleep, God works and refreshes me so I can face tomorrow.

Yesterday morning, our Pastor spoke of an unexpected loss for one of our church families. He discussed some of what was said at the services. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8. The verse was referenced to remind us that we have a choice. We can choose the way we allow our thoughts to be occupied with every situation – including tragedies.

I don’t want the rest of my dad’s life to be spent with my tears. I want to treasure the time he has left with us. Tears will happen. After all, I am human. However, I cannot be consumed with death. I must choose to think on these things in Philippians.

My ultimate hope is not that Dad will be healed. If that were the only hope I had, there would be much reason for tears. However, my hope is in Heaven. That hope is for eternity. When thoughts begin to press in about the future without my dad, I need to choose to direct my thoughts to eternity. We'll be together forever praising our God. That can bring me peace.

The gift of today

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. – Psalm 118:24

Not everyone is given this gift I have been given. God is teaching me to cherish each moment with my Dad -- and all my loved ones for that matter. I have been given this gift. The knowledge that life is short is all too clear to me. Many lose someone in an unexpected moment. God has allowed me to prepare my heart for the moment that may come all too soon (although I continue to pray for a miracle).

I’ve always pictured my future with family parties -- my parents in attendance. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, etc., were envisioned with a full family. My children playing with their cousins while their grandparents watch their interactions. Why wouldn't I hope for a future this way? After all, it's how I grew up.

Reality is that we don’t know how much longer my Dad has with us. “Months and months” are now what we are hearing. Maintenance chemotherapy will allow Dad to live his life with us and we need to cherish each and every moment. Rather than wonder if Dad will see my kids grow up, the doctors have narrowed my mind to wonder if he'll live to share Easter with us. Still, I choose to believe in a God that works miracles. Living in today, I'm thankful his white blood cell count is now down to 7. We have the hope to have him with us tomorrow.

This is the day that the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

Latest Report on Dad 1-2-08

The leukophoresis did what the doctors were hoping for. The procedure brought Dad's white blood cell count down into the 50's. It seems as though the chemotherapy he is on is also working as his white blood cell count is now in the 30's.

He is on the second day of this 5-day chemotherapy regimen that goes through Sunday. On Monday he will have another IV push and start steroids.

Dad is very uncomfortable from being overloaded with fluids. His weight is now up to 195. In his own words, he's "like a tick that's ready to pop". They will administer lasix in an attempt to relieve him somewhat. However, they need to be careful because the fluids are protecting his organs.

Today, we find joy in this little bit of good news. God continues to bless us even during such hard times.

I can't help but think that sometimes when things look incredibly impossible to us, that's when God chooses to work miracles to show Himself to us.

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27

Do I trust you, Lord?

I was reading in an old journal of mine this morning where I wrote the lyrics to an old Twila Paris song. They seem to come straight from my heart today. Yesterday brought some news from the hospital that attempts to steal our hope. Dr. Smith informed Dad that the stem cell procedure is on hold. The stem cell procedure is on indefinite hold. They are also talking about "maintenance" chemotherapy.

Sometimes my little heart can't understand what's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why?
But I can never forget it for long. Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,You can read my mind,
And You got to know that I would rather die than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all but suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology, but right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,You can read my mind, And You got to know that I would rather die than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

"I the Lord do not change." -- Malachi 3:6

Dad Update 1-1-08 and Comfort for my Heart?

Dad's white blood cell count has jumped to 140. (They were wanting Dad to go to the emergency room when it was only at 40 to give you some comparison.) Currently, they are going to perform a procedure called Leukophoresis (LEW-kuh-for-E-sis): In this form of treatment, blood is drawn from the body, cleansed of white blood cells, and returned to the body minus the excess cells. This procedure could take about 4 hours. The goal is to lower the white blood cell count so they can administer chemotherapy once again.

At this moment I feel like I am being asked if I truly believe all these words that come out of my mouth? Is this God I believe in still the same God even as I watch my Dad go through such a difficult times? If there are any Bible verses that come to your mind right now for me, I'd more than welcome them. I realize it's difficult to know what to say to people who are experiencing trials like these. Please know I welcome prayers and God's Word to comfort my heart.

Thank you for your prayers for my Dad.