Sing the wondrous love of Jesus,
Sing His mercy and His grace;
In the mansions bright and blessed
He’ll prepare for us a place.
Refrain:
When we all get to heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all see Jesus,
We’ll sing and shout the victory!
While we walk the pilgrim pathway,
Clouds will overspread the sky;
But when trav’ling days are over,
Not a shadow, not a sigh.
Let us then be true and faithful,
Trusting, serving every day;
Just one glimpse of Him in glory
Will the toils of life repay.
Onward to the prize before us!
Soon His beauty we’ll behold;
Soon the pearly gates will open;
We shall tread the streets of gold.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Living in Darkness
Close your eyes and imagine that once you open them you cannot see anything anymore. All you see is darkness. Your eyes are open but you're blind. No longer can you see the people around you, your house or God's creation. Darkness is what you are left in.
That is now what my dad is experiencing. Rod commented on how strange it was yesterday to have Dad staring right at him but know that he couldn't see him at all. What else will he have to endure before he can be whole again?
Dad slept most of the day away again. Because of this and his lack of sight, he no longer knows what time or day it is. My brothers were once again right by his side taking care of him. Mom, too. When I got there, Traci was sitting by him holding his hand. His mom and brother and sister-in-law came by yesterday as well. It's just plain hard on everyone to see him this way.
I think the part that made it so difficult for me was to see my dad as he is. He looks like an old, dying man. Cancer has taken him away from us and it still seems so wrong.
I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and did some grocery shopping (needed to do my own anyway). When I returned, my brother, Will, opened the door and told me Dad decided he wanted to get up and walk downstairs to the bathroom. He had not moved really other than to use the commode since the previous morning so this was quite the accomplishment for him! It is such a difference from just a week ago. This cancer attacks so darn fast.
Jaycie kept climbing on my mom's lap yesterday to sit near Papa. Nikelle didn't want to touch Papa's hand yesterday. She seemed uncertain and a bit scared. When I asked her about it on the way home, she said that she just doesn't want him to be sick. We talked a little more about heaven and she said, "I know he's going to get a new body when he's in heaven." It was comforting to talk about how he'll be able to see again and no longer experience pain. I asked her if she thought he'd have hair in heaven or if he didn't need hair. She said "No, he looks fine just the way he is."
That is now what my dad is experiencing. Rod commented on how strange it was yesterday to have Dad staring right at him but know that he couldn't see him at all. What else will he have to endure before he can be whole again?
Dad slept most of the day away again. Because of this and his lack of sight, he no longer knows what time or day it is. My brothers were once again right by his side taking care of him. Mom, too. When I got there, Traci was sitting by him holding his hand. His mom and brother and sister-in-law came by yesterday as well. It's just plain hard on everyone to see him this way.
I think the part that made it so difficult for me was to see my dad as he is. He looks like an old, dying man. Cancer has taken him away from us and it still seems so wrong.
I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and did some grocery shopping (needed to do my own anyway). When I returned, my brother, Will, opened the door and told me Dad decided he wanted to get up and walk downstairs to the bathroom. He had not moved really other than to use the commode since the previous morning so this was quite the accomplishment for him! It is such a difference from just a week ago. This cancer attacks so darn fast.
Jaycie kept climbing on my mom's lap yesterday to sit near Papa. Nikelle didn't want to touch Papa's hand yesterday. She seemed uncertain and a bit scared. When I asked her about it on the way home, she said that she just doesn't want him to be sick. We talked a little more about heaven and she said, "I know he's going to get a new body when he's in heaven." It was comforting to talk about how he'll be able to see again and no longer experience pain. I asked her if she thought he'd have hair in heaven or if he didn't need hair. She said "No, he looks fine just the way he is."
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Today 2-16-08
Today all three of my siblings spent some time with dad. I chose not to go. My decision kept wavering but it ended up being the right one as I took a 3-hour nap this afternoon instead. I am still sick with this pregnancy and spent time with the toilet bowl before I went to bed last night. Today I was just plain worn out and I know that I must take care of myself during all of this.
Dad has been on my mind all day. I've called over there numerous times. I want to be there but also know there is a life still to be lived. I'm not going to allow myself to regret any decisions that I make. There is nothing on my mind that I feel must be said and as I said before, I know he is just waiting for that moment where he can truly live again. This time in eternity - forever. As I remember, he told me that he'll start by worshipping at Jesus' feet.
Dad has been on my mind all day. I've called over there numerous times. I want to be there but also know there is a life still to be lived. I'm not going to allow myself to regret any decisions that I make. There is nothing on my mind that I feel must be said and as I said before, I know he is just waiting for that moment where he can truly live again. This time in eternity - forever. As I remember, he told me that he'll start by worshipping at Jesus' feet.
Longing for Eternity
I was sitting in Nikelle's school parking lot waiting for the doors to open when I decided to call my mom. She informed me that some of my family, as well as a lifelong friend, were over visiting. I turned to Nike and asked her if she wanted to skip school to go to see Grams and Papa and her cousins. So, off we went.
It still seems so surreal. My dad has always been the epitimy of good health. Not in a million years did anyone expect what is happening with my dad. There are so many emotions and thoughts running through me that I might sit and write for hours. I'll attempt to stay focused.
I cannot comprehend how it must feel for Dad as he lies there waiting for God to allow him to go home while we all continue life around him.
The grandkids all go inside and greet Papa only to run downstairs to play with their cousins. In some ways that is comforting. It tells me that no matter how much it breaks my heart that their Papa will be gone from this world, they'll be okay.
My sister is great at knowing what to do without anyone asking her to do it. She did some laundry. She always cleans up little messes and takes care of her kids. Through it all, she would walk over by Dad to sit and hold his hand and talk to him.
My brother closest to my age came in right after work. His wife and son were already there all day. He walked in and stayed close to Dad. He kept conversation going with visitors so Dad could rest and just seemed to know what to do as well.
Later after they all left, my older brother came in with his family. This cheered Nikelle and Jaycie up to be able to play with more cousins. Walking in the door with some Ensure and other nutrient-packed drinks for Dad, he, too, sat down next to Dad and stayed nearby. Dad's best friend was there so Will was engaged in conversation with him while dad laid there.
It just seemed so strange to me. Dad was part of our day but he didn't interact all that much. He couldn't. He welcomed our hugs and kisses. He greeted the grandkids and attempted to interact a bit with them. There were even moments that he made attempts at humor. Thankfully, his eyesight has not completely failed him as of yet and we can still understand the little of what he had to say. The only time he would sit up would be when my brothers would help him so he could have a drink or move his head to the other end of the sofa.
I talked to Dad a bit about my conversations with the girls about heaven. To be honest, I don't feel as though Dad and I have much to say. It's all been said already. I do want to be near him but at the same time, I've already let him go. My mind is in eternity when it comes to my Daddy and I want him to be able to go there now. I spent my time looking through pictures, pulling out the ones that included Dad, finding comfort for my heart.
It seems wrong to talk and laugh and interact while he is right by us in pain (although the drugs work pretty well) waiting to leave this world. Still, our lives go on. That's the sad part of it all. We have to wait for eternity.
Nikelle and I were talking about the fact that Papa will get to see Great Papa (his dad) in heaven. She said "he sure is lucky". Just a matter of fact. That's how she is with all of this and it's kind of comforting. She just accepts it. She's not fighting it. It'll be interesting to see how she reacts once he's gone because I know she loves her Papa.
Jaycie seemed a little uncertain. "Papa leaving?" she asked me. "Heaven?" "Jesus?" It's the only way I know how to explain to my 2-year-old what's going on. I told her we'll have to say bye-bye to Papa because he's going to heaven to meet Jesus.
To be honest, both girls are confused. Nikelle wanted to know if we were going to say goodbye to Papa for the last time. She even told my mom as we were leaving, "I'll see you at the funeral". Mom said Nike's a little too well-adjusted to all of this.
I am sure going to miss having my dad around. I just find myself wanting to know more about heaven. I long for him to go there. I long to meet him there as well. This temporary world has too much pain. I want eternity without any goodbyes.
It still seems so surreal. My dad has always been the epitimy of good health. Not in a million years did anyone expect what is happening with my dad. There are so many emotions and thoughts running through me that I might sit and write for hours. I'll attempt to stay focused.
I cannot comprehend how it must feel for Dad as he lies there waiting for God to allow him to go home while we all continue life around him.
The grandkids all go inside and greet Papa only to run downstairs to play with their cousins. In some ways that is comforting. It tells me that no matter how much it breaks my heart that their Papa will be gone from this world, they'll be okay.
My sister is great at knowing what to do without anyone asking her to do it. She did some laundry. She always cleans up little messes and takes care of her kids. Through it all, she would walk over by Dad to sit and hold his hand and talk to him.
My brother closest to my age came in right after work. His wife and son were already there all day. He walked in and stayed close to Dad. He kept conversation going with visitors so Dad could rest and just seemed to know what to do as well.
Later after they all left, my older brother came in with his family. This cheered Nikelle and Jaycie up to be able to play with more cousins. Walking in the door with some Ensure and other nutrient-packed drinks for Dad, he, too, sat down next to Dad and stayed nearby. Dad's best friend was there so Will was engaged in conversation with him while dad laid there.
It just seemed so strange to me. Dad was part of our day but he didn't interact all that much. He couldn't. He welcomed our hugs and kisses. He greeted the grandkids and attempted to interact a bit with them. There were even moments that he made attempts at humor. Thankfully, his eyesight has not completely failed him as of yet and we can still understand the little of what he had to say. The only time he would sit up would be when my brothers would help him so he could have a drink or move his head to the other end of the sofa.
I talked to Dad a bit about my conversations with the girls about heaven. To be honest, I don't feel as though Dad and I have much to say. It's all been said already. I do want to be near him but at the same time, I've already let him go. My mind is in eternity when it comes to my Daddy and I want him to be able to go there now. I spent my time looking through pictures, pulling out the ones that included Dad, finding comfort for my heart.
It seems wrong to talk and laugh and interact while he is right by us in pain (although the drugs work pretty well) waiting to leave this world. Still, our lives go on. That's the sad part of it all. We have to wait for eternity.
Nikelle and I were talking about the fact that Papa will get to see Great Papa (his dad) in heaven. She said "he sure is lucky". Just a matter of fact. That's how she is with all of this and it's kind of comforting. She just accepts it. She's not fighting it. It'll be interesting to see how she reacts once he's gone because I know she loves her Papa.
Jaycie seemed a little uncertain. "Papa leaving?" she asked me. "Heaven?" "Jesus?" It's the only way I know how to explain to my 2-year-old what's going on. I told her we'll have to say bye-bye to Papa because he's going to heaven to meet Jesus.
To be honest, both girls are confused. Nikelle wanted to know if we were going to say goodbye to Papa for the last time. She even told my mom as we were leaving, "I'll see you at the funeral". Mom said Nike's a little too well-adjusted to all of this.
I am sure going to miss having my dad around. I just find myself wanting to know more about heaven. I long for him to go there. I long to meet him there as well. This temporary world has too much pain. I want eternity without any goodbyes.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Dad Update 2-15-08
Dad is home. It seems like his pain is being managed. I have yet to see him. I might go over there this afternoon. I think I'm just hesitant because I don't know what to expect and I know everything has been said that needs to be said. We're just waiting and praying that God will take him home soon.
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