I think I'm over the denial now. After missing three consecutive weeks, I went back to my Weight Watchers meetings this morning. The flu, colds, parties, gaining too much weight and not eating right kept me from attending. I didn't want to step on the scale and have my weight up.
I stepped on their scale this morning knowing full well that's what would happen. Up over 2 pounds. It could have been worse. Thanks to God for another day of the stomach flu this week (or at least food that didn't agree with me) to help the weight get back to manageable.
I think the overwhelming part of this is that as a lifetime member, I am allowed three months to return to my goal weight after returning from having a baby. I still have 20 pounds to lose and 2 weeks to do it in. As I was talking to Rod this morning, I determined that chopping off my legs might help me get to my goal weight!
In all sincerity, I do believe I am making progress. I will not be at goal by their deadline but I'm down over 10 pounds from when I returned 2 1/2 months ago. I'm also down 30 pounds from when I started back in 2003 and that is something to be celebrated.
The biggest success is that I am identifying the triggers in this struggle. I am also realizing that it's a battle I cannot win on my own. Without filling myself with the Bible and asking God to empower me, I will not succeed. It's not about weight this time. It's about my relationship with food.
Any time we allow something to consume us outside of God himself, we have a problem. I am working through this. It is a daily struggle for me. Actually, it is more like a minute-by-minute struggle for me. Faced with food continually during the day, I have a choice. I'm choosing not to live in guilt. Rather I'm living in freedom empowered by God to make right choices.
If you struggle in this area, you're not alone. Don't give up. I believe it is worth it to be healthy and free from the control of this addiction! (Calling it addiction is a new reality for me. It's easier to brush it off as a struggle. An addiction labels it as a necessity to change!)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
10 Things I Like About Me
More than one person has responded to my blog and told me that I am too hard on myself. My openness in my blog causes some people concern that I struggle daily with who I am. That being said, I thought it appropriate to assure you that I do like myself. Here are 10 things I like about me:
1. I am valuable. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe this whole-heartedly. I am special. Created to love my Creator and to love the rest of His creation. I love that I am not here by chance. I was "knit" together. Makes me feel very loved.
2. I am honest. This is a characteristic I strive for each day. Sometimes, I tend to err on the side of being too honest. Still, I strive for honesty and like this about myself.
3. I am open. This may be why some of you feel like I am too critical of myself with my blog. Because I am open and honest, you see into my life in a way that many don't allow even those closest to them to see. I'm an open book. It's an invitation in a way. Here's who I am. If you like it, join this walk with me. If not, I'm still comfortable with who I am.
4. I'm giving. I give of my time, my belongings and myself. Sometimes I may err on giving too much and therefore wear myself out so that I'm no good for anyone. Although I need to find balance in this area, I want to be known as a giving person. I believe God would be pleased with this.
5. I'm organized. I thrive on organization. Rod once said that I focus too much on the details. This is probably why our marriage works. I focus on details he doesn't realize are important. To organize a closet or a drawer is energizing to me. (Now if I can only organize my thoughts!)
6. I'm an extrovert. People are important to me. I believe it's why we are here on this earth. Relationships. Without them, what's the point? It is through our relationships that we reflect Christ. I invest so much time into relationships that I often neglect important things like cleaning my house. Still, I feel so adamently about this that I'm okay with a messy house (at times).
7. I'm purposeful. I don't just allow life to happen. My calendar is full. I don't just wait to see what will happen next. I want to make things happen. All of these flow together and as I write, I realize I'm quite happy with who I am as a whole.
8. I'm a writer. I may not be paid to write. I may not have my name on any books or articles but I do a decent job putting my thoughts onto paper. God has gifted me in this way. Writing frees my heart. I find joy as I write.
9. I am loyal. Losing relationships breaks me up inside. I want to do everything I possibly can to keep relationships in my life in tact. This can often spread me too thin. At the same time, I want to be able to run into someone from my past and feel free to smile and say "hello" without any baggage from the past.
10. I am a Child of God. Although a sinner, because of the payment Christ took on the cross for my sins, I am free. Although undeserving, His grace allows me to live unshackled. I love the song "Free" by Ginny Owens. The lyrics to the chorus are "You're free to dance-Forget about your two left feet; And you're free to sing-Even joyful noise is music to me; and you're free to love, Cause I've given you My love, and it's made you free, Free from worry, free from envy and denial; Free to live, free to give, free to smile."
For those of you concerned about me, I do like myself. (Although I appreciate the positive comments from you!) I just believe that as God's Child, I am called to change to be more like Him. There will always be areas in my life that need improvement. Until I'm with Him for eternity, I'll strive to please Him...and that requires some examination and change.
1. I am valuable. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe this whole-heartedly. I am special. Created to love my Creator and to love the rest of His creation. I love that I am not here by chance. I was "knit" together. Makes me feel very loved.
2. I am honest. This is a characteristic I strive for each day. Sometimes, I tend to err on the side of being too honest. Still, I strive for honesty and like this about myself.
3. I am open. This may be why some of you feel like I am too critical of myself with my blog. Because I am open and honest, you see into my life in a way that many don't allow even those closest to them to see. I'm an open book. It's an invitation in a way. Here's who I am. If you like it, join this walk with me. If not, I'm still comfortable with who I am.
4. I'm giving. I give of my time, my belongings and myself. Sometimes I may err on giving too much and therefore wear myself out so that I'm no good for anyone. Although I need to find balance in this area, I want to be known as a giving person. I believe God would be pleased with this.
5. I'm organized. I thrive on organization. Rod once said that I focus too much on the details. This is probably why our marriage works. I focus on details he doesn't realize are important. To organize a closet or a drawer is energizing to me. (Now if I can only organize my thoughts!)
6. I'm an extrovert. People are important to me. I believe it's why we are here on this earth. Relationships. Without them, what's the point? It is through our relationships that we reflect Christ. I invest so much time into relationships that I often neglect important things like cleaning my house. Still, I feel so adamently about this that I'm okay with a messy house (at times).
7. I'm purposeful. I don't just allow life to happen. My calendar is full. I don't just wait to see what will happen next. I want to make things happen. All of these flow together and as I write, I realize I'm quite happy with who I am as a whole.
8. I'm a writer. I may not be paid to write. I may not have my name on any books or articles but I do a decent job putting my thoughts onto paper. God has gifted me in this way. Writing frees my heart. I find joy as I write.
9. I am loyal. Losing relationships breaks me up inside. I want to do everything I possibly can to keep relationships in my life in tact. This can often spread me too thin. At the same time, I want to be able to run into someone from my past and feel free to smile and say "hello" without any baggage from the past.
10. I am a Child of God. Although a sinner, because of the payment Christ took on the cross for my sins, I am free. Although undeserving, His grace allows me to live unshackled. I love the song "Free" by Ginny Owens. The lyrics to the chorus are "You're free to dance-Forget about your two left feet; And you're free to sing-Even joyful noise is music to me; and you're free to love, Cause I've given you My love, and it's made you free, Free from worry, free from envy and denial; Free to live, free to give, free to smile."
For those of you concerned about me, I do like myself. (Although I appreciate the positive comments from you!) I just believe that as God's Child, I am called to change to be more like Him. There will always be areas in my life that need improvement. Until I'm with Him for eternity, I'll strive to please Him...and that requires some examination and change.
In need of grace
Last night we went to my mom's. Prior to dinner, Rod remembered that there were candy bars in the Abominable Snowman cookie jar. He pulled it down from its current position (out of kids reach). I then felt the need to comment on the thought that if the girls came back to play, it could break.
Later, I heard something fall. I turned my head to see the girls looking in the cookie jar. The Abominable's head was on the floor.
My reactions to these types of situation are never good. Frustration and irritation show immediately. Rarely is there a time I don't yell. The moment ended with both girls in tears. (Nike because of the cookie jar; Jaycie because she wanted candy.) My mom was instructing me on the unimportance of "things". I was just sighing over the fact that, once again, I responded incorrectly.
Knowing the cookie jar could be fixed with some super glue, we ate dinner and had ice cream and brownies for dessert. I ate a few helpings of pasta. I ate some chicken. I ate some corn. I ate a handful of rolls. Prior to dinner, I had some chips. I found an oatmeal cream pie that I placed into my mouth and I had found some chocolates not in a cookie jar that I proceeded to enjoy as well. (My life sounds a little bit like The Hungry Little Catepillar.)
Then there was dessert. Initially, I had passed on dessert. Until I saw there was peppermint ice cream. A couple helpings of that plus a brownie kind of sealed my fate. (I'm really not feeling so well this morning.)
Like I've said before, I have an addiction to food. My goal this year is to identify what drives me there and replace the terrible habits I have formed.
All this being said, there's no wonder that I can easily be overwhelmed with the changes that need to be made in my life. In so many ways, I fall short. I'm easily angered. I can be quite lazy. I often overeat. I talk too much. Listen too little. The list can go on and on.
I want to change. I don't like yelling over little things. Overeating, although in the moment might be enjoyable, never feels good the next moment. I can say I need some rest, but when the dishes need to be done, laundry is overflowing and I can see the dog hair on the floor, there is absolutely no excuse for my butt to be on the sofa.
Sigh.
There's just so much to change. The key is, I know I need to change. I think that could very well be the first step toward change. I embrace that I need to change. I don't want to be an overweight, angry woman without any friends. I want to be someone that effectively reflects God in my life.
I don't know exactly how to change. I'm working on it little by little. I'm praying for God to help me. I'm reading the Bible, specifically Proverbs which is filled with application for my life.
Today is a new day. A fresh morning. A clean start. God extends grace to me which I am quite thankful for. I need a lot of it. The least I can do is extend some as well. It might help to start with myself.
Later, I heard something fall. I turned my head to see the girls looking in the cookie jar. The Abominable's head was on the floor.
My reactions to these types of situation are never good. Frustration and irritation show immediately. Rarely is there a time I don't yell. The moment ended with both girls in tears. (Nike because of the cookie jar; Jaycie because she wanted candy.) My mom was instructing me on the unimportance of "things". I was just sighing over the fact that, once again, I responded incorrectly.
Knowing the cookie jar could be fixed with some super glue, we ate dinner and had ice cream and brownies for dessert. I ate a few helpings of pasta. I ate some chicken. I ate some corn. I ate a handful of rolls. Prior to dinner, I had some chips. I found an oatmeal cream pie that I placed into my mouth and I had found some chocolates not in a cookie jar that I proceeded to enjoy as well. (My life sounds a little bit like The Hungry Little Catepillar.)
Then there was dessert. Initially, I had passed on dessert. Until I saw there was peppermint ice cream. A couple helpings of that plus a brownie kind of sealed my fate. (I'm really not feeling so well this morning.)
Like I've said before, I have an addiction to food. My goal this year is to identify what drives me there and replace the terrible habits I have formed.
All this being said, there's no wonder that I can easily be overwhelmed with the changes that need to be made in my life. In so many ways, I fall short. I'm easily angered. I can be quite lazy. I often overeat. I talk too much. Listen too little. The list can go on and on.
I want to change. I don't like yelling over little things. Overeating, although in the moment might be enjoyable, never feels good the next moment. I can say I need some rest, but when the dishes need to be done, laundry is overflowing and I can see the dog hair on the floor, there is absolutely no excuse for my butt to be on the sofa.
Sigh.
There's just so much to change. The key is, I know I need to change. I think that could very well be the first step toward change. I embrace that I need to change. I don't want to be an overweight, angry woman without any friends. I want to be someone that effectively reflects God in my life.
I don't know exactly how to change. I'm working on it little by little. I'm praying for God to help me. I'm reading the Bible, specifically Proverbs which is filled with application for my life.
Today is a new day. A fresh morning. A clean start. God extends grace to me which I am quite thankful for. I need a lot of it. The least I can do is extend some as well. It might help to start with myself.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Reckless Words
I went to sign my 3-year-old up for preschool today. After registration, some conversation started about our bus experiences for our first graders. (A few of the moms have children that ride on Nikelle's bus.) Unavoidably, conversation came up about the days when the bus has been 40 minutes late or longer. It can be quiet frustrating and a bit scary when your child is left in someone else's care and you don't know what has happened.
One of the moms said her daughter went home crying the other day that Nikelle almost got hit by a car. "What?" I questioned. "Emma came home crying and said that Nikelle was almost hit by a car," the other mom advised. I assured her that was not the case. The bus drops Nikelle off at the intersection. Either I am there to greet her or she is escorted across the street by the bus monitor.
There are times when people are driving on the opposite street and do not stop. The bus driver often honks the horn on these occasions and that could have confused her daughter. I told her it was nice that her daughter was concerned for my daughter, however.
When we turned to leave, the bus driver was coming in. Interesting, I thought. I was going to say hello but she didn't make eye contact. I figured I'd ask her when she dropped Nikelle off who she was signing up for preschool.
This afternoon as Nikelle got off the bus, I was about to inquire of the bus driver about preschool when she followed my daughter off the bus. She proceeded to ask me about a rumor being spread about Nikelle almost getting hit by a car. Her husband had overheard the conversation and informed her of it.
Thankfully, I was able to honestly inform her of the conversation. I was able to tell her that we were actually talking more about the days she is not there and the concern that comes with it. We think she is a wonderful bus driver. (I could have even gone further to tell her that we said we are thankful she errs on the side of being too cautious, but didn't.)
As I walked away with Nikelle I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. How many times do we talk about someone and we're grateful they can't hear? It was such a relief to know that there was nothing I had to hide from the conversation. I could honestly tell her that we thought she was great.
Just a strong reminder to watch our words. I just read Proverbs 12:18 this morning which reads, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." How applicable to be sure I am not reckless with my words.
One of the moms said her daughter went home crying the other day that Nikelle almost got hit by a car. "What?" I questioned. "Emma came home crying and said that Nikelle was almost hit by a car," the other mom advised. I assured her that was not the case. The bus drops Nikelle off at the intersection. Either I am there to greet her or she is escorted across the street by the bus monitor.
There are times when people are driving on the opposite street and do not stop. The bus driver often honks the horn on these occasions and that could have confused her daughter. I told her it was nice that her daughter was concerned for my daughter, however.
When we turned to leave, the bus driver was coming in. Interesting, I thought. I was going to say hello but she didn't make eye contact. I figured I'd ask her when she dropped Nikelle off who she was signing up for preschool.
This afternoon as Nikelle got off the bus, I was about to inquire of the bus driver about preschool when she followed my daughter off the bus. She proceeded to ask me about a rumor being spread about Nikelle almost getting hit by a car. Her husband had overheard the conversation and informed her of it.
Thankfully, I was able to honestly inform her of the conversation. I was able to tell her that we were actually talking more about the days she is not there and the concern that comes with it. We think she is a wonderful bus driver. (I could have even gone further to tell her that we said we are thankful she errs on the side of being too cautious, but didn't.)
As I walked away with Nikelle I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. How many times do we talk about someone and we're grateful they can't hear? It was such a relief to know that there was nothing I had to hide from the conversation. I could honestly tell her that we thought she was great.
Just a strong reminder to watch our words. I just read Proverbs 12:18 this morning which reads, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." How applicable to be sure I am not reckless with my words.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Longing for Quiet
"Mommy, I want some candy!"
"Mommy, I need to go potty!"
"Mommy, I not want to watch this movie!"
"Mommy, I really, really want to go outside!"
"Mommy, I not want this lunch!"
"Mommy, I don't want to take a nap!"
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
My 3-year-old has been whining incessantly! I could take the high road. That would sound something like, "I am blessed to have the privilege to have a little girl to request things of me. There are many people out there longing for children who can't have any." Instead, I'm reminded me of the Grinch irritated with the the Whos in Whoville with all that "Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!"
This whining has me irritated and exhausted. I'm frazzled and can't think straight. Lately, all I've been longing for is some quiet. Not just five minutes here or five minutes there. I want a good long time of quiet.
I've taken the easy way out one too many times with my middle child. Rather than hear her whine as she requests candy ten times in ten minutes before breakfast, I take on the attitude of "just take the chocolate and leave me alone already!" Yep. I've definitely contributed to this whiney behavior.
So, I've decided it's time to quit giving in. It will only be worse later if we don't get a handle on it now. Now when I hear, "Mommmmmmyyyy, I wannnnt sommmme cannnndyyy," in that sing-songy whine, I do my best to calmly respond.
"First, you have to eat some breakfast."
"But I diiid eat some breakfast!"
"You'll have to eat more than one bite."
"But I diiiid!"
"You are not having candy now."
And the whining continues... as I walk away.
I haven't give in today (yet). I've remained stern. Which brings me to our most recent encounter.
"Mommmmy, I want to have this toothpaste."
"No. You just brushed your teet."
"But I realllly wannt this toooooothpaste!" (The volume is rising quickly.)
"You may not have more toothpaste now. I'll tell you what..."
The screaming doesn't even allow me to continue. I walk over, take the toothpaste out of her hand and send her to bed. She climbs into bed screaming and throwing a tantrum. I do my best to talk calmly over her high-pitched screeching. "You may come downstairs when you are ready to say, 'Yes, Mommy. I will not scream and whine anymore." I left her room and went downstairs.
A few moments later, I realized the house was actually quite quiet. I quietly walked upstairs to check on her only to find her cuddled in her blankets on her bed sound asleep.
Peace. (Not to mention victory for me... on this battle.) It made me think of some advice my mom once gave.
"If she's crabby, give her something to eat or put her to bed."
It's good parenting advice...
even though it was advice she gave Rod about me.
"Mommy, I need to go potty!"
"Mommy, I not want to watch this movie!"
"Mommy, I really, really want to go outside!"
"Mommy, I not want this lunch!"
"Mommy, I don't want to take a nap!"
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
My 3-year-old has been whining incessantly! I could take the high road. That would sound something like, "I am blessed to have the privilege to have a little girl to request things of me. There are many people out there longing for children who can't have any." Instead, I'm reminded me of the Grinch irritated with the the Whos in Whoville with all that "Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!"
This whining has me irritated and exhausted. I'm frazzled and can't think straight. Lately, all I've been longing for is some quiet. Not just five minutes here or five minutes there. I want a good long time of quiet.
I've taken the easy way out one too many times with my middle child. Rather than hear her whine as she requests candy ten times in ten minutes before breakfast, I take on the attitude of "just take the chocolate and leave me alone already!" Yep. I've definitely contributed to this whiney behavior.
So, I've decided it's time to quit giving in. It will only be worse later if we don't get a handle on it now. Now when I hear, "Mommmmmmyyyy, I wannnnt sommmme cannnndyyy," in that sing-songy whine, I do my best to calmly respond.
"First, you have to eat some breakfast."
"But I diiid eat some breakfast!"
"You'll have to eat more than one bite."
"But I diiiid!"
"You are not having candy now."
And the whining continues... as I walk away.
I haven't give in today (yet). I've remained stern. Which brings me to our most recent encounter.
"Mommmmy, I want to have this toothpaste."
"No. You just brushed your teet."
"But I realllly wannt this toooooothpaste!" (The volume is rising quickly.)
"You may not have more toothpaste now. I'll tell you what..."
The screaming doesn't even allow me to continue. I walk over, take the toothpaste out of her hand and send her to bed. She climbs into bed screaming and throwing a tantrum. I do my best to talk calmly over her high-pitched screeching. "You may come downstairs when you are ready to say, 'Yes, Mommy. I will not scream and whine anymore." I left her room and went downstairs.
A few moments later, I realized the house was actually quite quiet. I quietly walked upstairs to check on her only to find her cuddled in her blankets on her bed sound asleep.
Peace. (Not to mention victory for me... on this battle.) It made me think of some advice my mom once gave.
"If she's crabby, give her something to eat or put her to bed."
It's good parenting advice...
even though it was advice she gave Rod about me.
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