Facing the Day

Our pastor shared this video with us at church the other day. It really fits my life (not that my mom talks a lot). I do NOT manage my time wisely. Sure, I think about the best way to accomlish everything that needs to be done. I just never seem to actually rise up to the task.

The other day as I was faced with another unending to-do list, I picked up a book entitled "Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight" by Karen Scalf Linnamen. In the book, she talks about procrastination. Now, I've never really thought I was one to procrastinate - until now. Karen talks about the real reason why I avoid all of my surmounting projects. It's not that I don't want to complete anything, I simply don't want to deal with all the feelings that go along with it.

For example, after gathering groceries at the store yesterday, the cashier feels the need to state the obvious to me (with a smile, of course). "It looks like you were out of just about everything." Well, duh! I put off grocery shopping until the very last possible moment (like when I realize I have only two diapers left for the baby) because I always spend too much money. It doesn't matter how much planning I do, I cannot figure out how to save money like so many frugal moms out there (my sister). It is downright frustrating and I feel like a huge failure. Therefore, I don't go grocery shopping until I absolutely have to.

I avoid dishes and laundry because I hate feeling overwhelmed and the lack of accomplishment that goes along with these neverending chores. I never seem to be able to complete either one because we are always eating and wearing clothes!

As for exercising, I've put that off, too. I injured myself when I was training for the full marathon two years ago. While I have taken the step forward to attend physical therapy and work towards some healing, I quit running. I kept telling the therapist that I just didn't have time to work it in to my schedule. Although there is a tidbit of truth in that statement, I think the main reason I didn't want to tie up my running shoes was because I did not want to face the discouragement involved in feeling the pain in my leg and foot again.

I could go on and on with examples - like eating right. In my head (and all of its bizzare thoughts), it is easier to just eat junk all day and know I am going to get fat and be unhealthy than it is to actually eat healthy and go to way in at Weight Watchers only to be met with a surprising number that leaves me $12 poorer.

All in all, what this author had to say in her book impacted me. I need to face the emotions rather than avoid the tasks. I have used my unraveling, unreliable treadmill twice this week. I've pulled out a food journal every day (not that I've eaten healthy but at least the thought is there). And today, I have clean counters and laundry going. Not to mention I've released endorphins from accomplishing some tasks that leave me feeling energized (which is exactly what this book said would happen).

All in all, it's better to face my feelings and work through them. Putting them off is leaving me unhappy, unhealthy and potentially without any underwear! (I know, TMI but it fit the sentence.)

Now that I have some clean clothes, I will actually go take a shower and pick up my daughter from the bus stop. Hey, better late than never.

My preschooler

Jaycie started preschool last week. She had picked out her own backpack when we purchased school supplies for Nikelle. Jaycie attends Our Savior Lutheran Preschool just a short distance away from us. I love that I can walk her to school on days with nice weather.

Although she doesn't look very excited here, she was thrilled to go to preschool with her friend, Emily. Jaycie even told me today that seeing Emily at preschool was her "high" for the day. Her low was some little boy named Charlie who missed his Daddy at preschool.

I'm never in agreement with women who just can't imagine what they would do with themselves if they were stay-at-home moms. My to-do list is so never-ending that I don't even bother to write it down most days. Today I actually got on my unreliable treadmill and did some walk/run intervals for a half hour. It felt wonderful to actually do some exercise again!

Jaycie was very willing to sit and hold her baby sister, Andelise, while we waited for the classroom to open.

Jaycie chose her outfit to wear to school with the matching bandana.

At the end of class, the kids wait patiently for the teacher to call their name for them to go to their parent. Jaycie greeted me with a big smile and a huge monkey hug when I picked her up. She thoroughly enjoys going to school. The next morning she woke up asking if she was going to school that day. I'm so grateful that preschool is an exciting experience for her and not one where I have to drag her each time.

She also started Cubbies in AWANA with her cousin, Elena. She is excited to be doing this, too. No one would ever know how excited Jaycie is to be growing up. She pretends to be a little mute when she is in groups. I'm just thankful we've progressed to not yelling and screaming as I leave her.

It's hard to believe almost 4 years have passed since God gave Jaycie to us. Boy does time fly!

Ande is One!

Our baby girl turned one-year-old last week. On one hand, I can't believe she is one already. On the other hand, she has been walking around for two months already. So it really is no great surprise that a year has gone by.

I've said that I wanted to treasure every moment of her first year. Easier said than done. That first year always seems to be in a bit of a fog. I'm glad I had more pictures than I thought I had so we could reminisce.

Andelise is our go-getter. She attempts everything without fear. She's known to climb on tables and chairs, climb up the slides, and attempt to walk on water (she thinks she can just walk right off the side of the pool and into the water without any help). She is good with her hands and seems to be very mechanically minded.

Recently, she has begun walking up to me while I am on the computer and pushes the keyboard in while she reaches up to be held. She is known to push her sisters out of her way when she wants to get to something. And she even left a nice abrasion of teeth marks on her sister's side out of frustration while we were on vacation.

Overall, though, Andelise's smile can light up a room. When Rod gets home from work, she tries to jump out of my arms toward him while doing her little laugh/cry until he takes her. She does the same laugh/cry in anticipation of her juice cup.

She will pick up a baby doll and pat its back and hug the toy tightly. Her little hands can't resist petting her blonde-headed friend who is five months younger. She likes to just be held after she wakes up. It's still amazing to me the ways this little one can warm our hearts.

When she is screaming in the van, we can often soothe her by playing music. And at home, she will turn on the CD player and wiggle her little bottom up and down to the music. She loves to dance and one of the dearest sounds to my ears these days is that of her babbling.

The hardest part for me in her turning one has hit me a few times in the last couple of weeks. As we watched the DVD I made of compiled pictures from her first year... While enjoying the company of our godson's family as they took generational pictures... and at "the farm" this weekend.

Andelise, Rod and Pup joined me for a walk while we were at the farm. Ande squirmed to get down as we reached our destination. There, in the quiet, all the while hearing the family play just down the street by the ponds, I watched as my baby got down and touched the stone.

I read the familiar words through eyes blurred with tears. "And so shall we ever be with the Lord - 1 Thessalonians 4:17" I couldn't hold back the tears as I watched my baby at the grave of a man she will never know in person.

These are the only tears in my baby's growth. It still physically hurts that she will never personally know her Papa or her Grandpa. These relationships are missing. And for me, I feel the void.

Although I long to keep the memories alive of those who have gone before us, I know in my heart there is only one death that is of the utmost importance to share. It is that of the one who did not remain in the grave. As long as our girls know Jesus as their personal Forgiver and Leader, they will have the only relationship they really need to carry them through this life.

The words to the song "Because He Lives" still hold so true. "How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy (s)he gives. But greater still, the calm assurance. This child can face uncertain days because [Christ] lives."

Out-of-control

We're back to the school year now. I was looking forward to getting back onto a schedule for many reasons. For one, I just felt like I was going a little bit crazy over the summer running the kids here, there and everywhere. The main reason I was looking forward to having a regular schedule again is that it really helps me maintain my weight loss. I eat healthier when I can plan my day out. When I'm home, it's just easier to get a healthy meal prepared and make healthier choices. What I wasn't anticipating so early in the school year was the start of the shared coughs, runny noses, sore throats, etc. It was day #3 of school and I already had to keep Nikelle home from school.

I always find it difficult making the decision of whether or not to send my daughter to school. If someone could just give me some clear guidelines, I could make the decision easier. Obviously, if she has a fever, I keep her home. A fever, however, is not the only contagious bug out there. When she is wiping her nose all day long, coughing and sneezing, I think it's probably best to not share those germs with others. In the back of my mind, I think, well someone else must have sent their child to school with the same symptoms and that is where she picked it up. Still, I did the responsible thing and chose to keep her home.

All day long, I would reassess the situation. How's she feeling? Is she coughing? How much is she blowing her nose? Did I hear her sneeze? I am continually second-guessing my decision as to whether or not she should be home from school. After all, perfect attendance is something the schools reward. If they're missing school, they're missing time for learning, right? I finally came to the conclusion that I was teaching her to take care of herself and be considerate of others by keeping her home from school that day.

The next day, she seemed much improved. As we were getting ready to go to the bus stop, I had every intention to cancel the doctor appointment I had scheduled that day for her. That's when I noticed the baby's runny nose and middle one's cough. I made the decision in that moment to allow Nikelle to go to school but pick her up and take all three of them to visit the doctor.

The doctor's visit went exactly as I had hoped. Nothing too serious. Nikelle was fine going back to school and I didn't have to purchase any new medication. I thanked the doctor, paid for the visit, got our stickers and began the drive back to school. My thoughts went something like this: Thank you, God, for healthy kids. I really cannot imagine life with children that have a chronic or terminal illness. And, sweet, we get back to school exactly at the time I had said we would return Nikelle. I love it when things go as planned.

I park the van, get the baby out of her car seat and hear my middle child whine, "I really have to go potty!" And, of course, she's dancing. Grrr. I do not want to have to ask at the office if my little one can use the bathroom. "Let's go then. Get your shoes on and get out of the van." Seriously, why is it that when a kid says 'I really have to go to the bathroom', they just stand there saying it over and over again rather than actually making some progress toward getting where they need to go? "I can't find my shoe!" she cries still doing the potty dance. Seriously, not like I had planned. Why take your shoes off because you are in the van? I could not find the shoe so I carried her to the sidewalk where she could walk.

As I followed her in, I could not believe what my life has become. I watched my 2nd grader run ahead of me. I was holding the doctor's note she needed to excuse her from recess and gym class. I just hoped the office didn't let her in until I caught up with her. I held the baby in my arm grabbing a tissue and fighting her to wipe her nose. I just shook my head as I watched my preschooler hobble on ahead of me with one shoe on and one shoe off needing to go to the bathroom.

When, oh when, did I allow my life to get so out-of-control? And yet, it's a good thing because God is changing me. And when God is involved in the change in my life, it's always a good thing.

[sigh]

I am drained this morning. A 9:00 bedtime should have prevented this, so I was somewhat uncertain as to why I felt so tired when I woke up.

That's when all the memories of my dreams came back to me. Normally, I'm able to shake off the feelings. I will simply tell myself that it wasn't real, it was just a dream. There is often something in my dream that is so far fetched it anchors me back in reality.

Last night, however, it was all too close to reality other than it being a little early for Christmas. It was Christmas without dad in my dream. At my parents' house, without dad. My sister, brothers, and their families were there. We played Christmas music. I even remember when I opened a CD case, the Gaithers, Heaven, was on top.

Gifts were exchanged in my dream. I had emotions where I had to tell myself not to get self-centered and proud (again, all too real). In this dream, my cousin called and asked if she and her parents could come over and make dinner with us. There was just so much that seemed like it was happening. Nothing a big deal, just ordinary life without my dad.

It's emotionally draining because I can't shake it off as a dream. He is gone from this world we still live in. [sigh] Sometimes I wonder if the pain in my heart will ever go away.

I learn each day how to live this new reality of my life. I am able to count my many blessings and know I am loved by God. My girls bring such joy to the heart and there is so much to invest in family and friends. Life is full. Life is good. It's just that life is altered and I can't change that.

I hate not being in control.