Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

I will honestly pray the morning of a weigh-in that I will have lost weight. Or at least stay the same. Even just remaining in the weight range where I don't have to pay would thrill me these days. I will seriously eat whatever I very well please for weeks on end only to get on the scale praying for some kind of results I'll be happy with.

Thinking about this particular prayer that I throw up makes the lyrics to the song at the beginning of My Best Friend's Wedding play through my mind - "wishing and hoping and thinking and praying". Maybe dreaming is more like it. I cannot even squeeze into the size pants I was fitting into just a couple months ago. And the damage I've created on the scale is not going to be turned around without some serious work.

This has me thinking about life in general. For example, I want my marriage to be bliss. I want the romance Hollywood portrays (in the movies, not real life) - that passionate love. I want the happily ever after offered to me in the fairy tales. But we live in the real world. Reality is that there are many days my husband and I may not even like each other. Irritations build up. Responsibilities take over. The calendar overwhelms. Life takes all our energy. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I want true love. So why have I done absolutely nothing to help me in pursuit of this goal? Months on end without spending any quality alone time together. Choosing my children, friends, family and other commitments before my time with him. Just pretending like all the problems will magically go away. And then I wonder. Why don't we "feel" love towards each other?

This applies to other relationships as well. Time spent together is scarce. And God forbid we should actually talk about something of value! After all, aren't there always at least three topics we are supposed to avoid in conversations? I want quality friendships and relationships with my family members. I want people to rally around me in times of trouble and share my moments of joy. And yet there is no investment made in that direction. If we won't be real with each other, how is there going to be any depth to my relationships?

And we can't leave God out of the equation. He waits patiently for us to become aware of all the love He offers us. The fact that He created us should be our first hint as to the amount of love He has for us. He pours blessing upon blessing on us and we just want to complain about every problem we can find. Not to mention how quick we forget about the tremendous sacrifice that was made for us when Jesus came from Heaven to earth to die for us. Think about it: We damage our relationship with God through sin and He offers us forgiveness, a second chance and even builds the bridge! How many relationships out there that we vie for offer us that?

It's amazing really. How we wish and hope. How we long for better and yet are unwilling to do anything about it. I am never going to lose this last 10-15 pounds until I actually start taking some action towards achieving my goal. I can't possibly experience true love with my husband when we never take the time to put one another as the priority. Meaningful relationships don't happen without being a bit vulnerable and investing the time. And it is impossible to know God when we refuse to acknowledge the numerous ways He pours out His love on us or take the opportunity to seize the pathways He extends for us to come to Him.

Maybe it's time for a little less wishing and hoping. And time for a lot more thinking and praying - along with a lot of action.

Chameleon

Chameleon
You blend with your surroundings
Chameleon
No one knows where you come from
Chameleon
You change with every situation
Compromising dedication

These lyrics by Petra have been on my mind recently because I am tired of the chameleon game. Oh, we all do it to some extent. When we're at home, we may feel uninhibited. At church, we think we are expected to put on an act. With one group of friends our words are loose. With our family, we feel the need to bite our tongues so as not to offend. It's never-ending the way we change who we are for the people we are with.

Honestly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the expectations people put on me and the fact that I actually strive to live up to them. I'm done playing games with people in my life who pretend to be one way when they're around me and then they go off with someone else acting a completely different way. What is it exactly that makes us think we need to be someone other than ourselves ALL the time?

Realistically, I'm certain it has something to do with acceptance. We all want to belong. We all long to be loved. We want people to love us for who we are. And yet, how can we expect this when we are unwilling to be authentic? Could it be that we just don't know who we are? We're so busy trying to please everyone that we have no idea where to begin when it comes to being real? I mean, really, what would that even look like?

I am so incredibly grateful that I my identity is established in God. That is so freeing! I can be God's child at home, with friends, at church, running errands, in the business world, with extended family and at my daughters' schools. I can be myself because I am a child of God and that does not change!

As a Child of God, I have a filter to examine my life through. I don't need for everyone to accept and love me. I don't need the approval of my parents, siblings, friends, or anyone else. All I need is God's acceptance. And I am so grateful that I have that unconditionally. He knew me before I was born. He loved me enough to send Jesus to die for me before I even heard about His love for me.

As I struggle through this life, I can live securely in my identity: a Child of God. I'm tired of not really knowing people. I'm tired of feeling their lack of desire to know me. I am going to start investing more time in the one relationship I don't have to beg for. And maybe, just maybe, all my relationships will be stronger because of this one at the center.

And what does the Lord require of [me]? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God. - Micah 6:8

Sorting it out

I wish I could sort out my thoughts. I feel a bit like Mel Gibson’s character in a scene on “What Women Want”. The gist of the storyline is that Mel Gibson is able to hear women’s thoughts. It is overwhelming to him. At one point, he is walking around the city attempting to figure out what is going on. He can hear the thoughts of the bell women in front of the hotel. He can hear the thoughts of a little female dog as well. Then he is in a park when an entire group of women are running in the opposite direction he is walking on the path. He holds his ears as this entire pack of women’s thoughts attempt to invade his mind.

I don’t know what other’s are thinking (even though I like to think I do), but I feel a lot this character in that moment. I want to hold my ears tighter hoping to block out all the thoughts attempting to invade my mind. There are just too many and it’s exhausting me. My schedule. My friends. My family. My desires. My faults. It goes on and on. I simply cannot stop the voices in my head. (I know. I know. Entirely different issue.)

I think it’s why I can talk myself into getting on the treadmill. Those 30 minutes allow me time to talk to God and work through the multitude of thoughts disrupting my life. I can give many of my problems to God and take a few minutes to focus in on my day. No noise from kids. No T.V. Only the noises from the treadmill (and if I’m on top of things, the washer and dryer as well).

At church, we’ve been doing a series on “Crazy Busy”. I can identify with the latest way to combat this crazy busy lifestyle. That is to Shut if Off. I used to think I was one that needed background noise. Now, what I am realizing more than ever, is that all that noise drives me insane. That’s why I thrive early in the morning when everything is quiet. I can think straight. As soon as one of my little ones are up, that moment is over. I can no longer think straight because someone is always making demands of me.

I’m going to attempt to continue to take time each day in quiet. It is so beneficial. I might get used to it.

Actions speak louder than words

Relationships and all that they offer have made a huge impact on who I am today. I am one who thrives on relationships. I want nothing more than to spend time with friends. I am constantly checking my e-mail. I rarely resist the urge to answer a phone call. Facebook is one of my many addictions.

Facebook allows me to reconnect with many of these past relationships from so many different seasons of my life. These connections leave me in a whirlwind of thoughts. Thoughts about chapters of my life I thought I had closed. Moments I thought I had put behind me. Relationships I had worked so hard to come to accept had just grown apart. I enjoy catching up. Seeing where people are in life today is something that intrigues me. And yet Facebook takes me out of the comfort zone I had created. I want to believe myself when I say I've put the past behind me. But have I? Really?

These reconnections have given me a lot to think about. Conversations have occurred that have left me examining my life. Do I simply talk the talk? Being brought up in a home where I was taught how to pray, read and memorize the Bible and brought to church every week, it's easy for me to say the right thing. Right v. wrong is pretty clear in my mind. Still, I'm left wondering... do I walk the walk?

#1 - LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH. When I love someone, I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can. I want to know them and I want them to know me. I think about them day in and day out. I want them involved in every aspect of my life. I want them to know my family and my friends. I want to be able to tell them all the little details of my life and feel somewhat empty until I do. So am I really loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength if my day does not include Him? If I am not inviting Him to share life with me?

#2 - LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. Do I put others needs on the list anywhere near where I place my own? Can I look away when someone in my life is hurting? Can I make excuses for being too busy when people around me are in need of help? Am I able to be consumed with myself when the Bible clearly tells me that a Christ-follower will live as Jesus did?

These are the two greatest commandments and the rest of the law is summed up in them. If I am loving God and loving others, I am living as Jesus did. And yet, am I? Am I doing this? Truly loving God and loving others?

People around me are making me aware of how much lip service I give for a life I don't live. [sigh] I believe what I'm saying. I don't think of myself as a hypocrite. And yet, I don't make God my priority. I can go through most days without taking the time to talk to or listen to the Lord my God. How can I then say that I love Him?

I just excuse it away with being too busy. And as for loving others? I too easily write off not helping them to a life that is just too full.

Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words.

"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." - 1 John 2:3-6

Hot topics and Love

Stay-at-home or go to work? Bottlefeed or breasfeed? Cry it out or console? To spank or not to spank? These are the questions.

I have friends that are stay-at-home moms. I also have friends who make a living outside of the home. Some of my friends visit with a bottle in hand while others don't need to worry about that item in their diaper bag. Some run to console. Some let their kids cry it out. And to be totally honest, spanking is rarely a topic of conversation although it can still be a hot topic.

As I gave some unsolicited parenting advice on my friend's facebook page, I thought about how dedicated we can become to a "cause" that is really nothing more than a matter of personal choice. I read others' comments and thought about my own. Seriously, why do we feel the need to choose sides? Why can't we just accept the fact that people parent differently? It doesn't make one mom neglectful because they choose to allow their baby to "cry it out" any more than another mom is lazy because they choose to stay-at-home full time.

There are some issues we may disagree on. Can we agree on this, however? People are more important. Good relationships take work, tough conversations and a lot of grace. Let's be willing to disagree with love. It's so easy to get caught up in a "cause".

I'm hopeful that I will remember to be intentional in valuing the relationship more than the topic as I encounter the inevitable differences in opinion.