Stuff it

To this day, anger stirs inside of me when I think about my dad's death. I shake my head and do my best not to think about it every time. After two years, one would think I could at least come to grips with the fact that he is gone. For some reason, anger and fear still overwhelm me.

A girlfriend of mine recently brought to my attention a family she knows whose teenage daughter died of cancer. As I shared the information with my husband, we stared at the pictures of our own beautiful little girls that hang prominently on our family room wall (ages 7, 4 and 1). "Could you even imagine...?" I asked him, "...raising our girls..." I paused, "only to lose them once they reach high school?" I've known a few other families who have faced this very tragedy. Just not to cancer. The cancer factor is what surfaced my emotions.

"I'm so afraid," I cried to my friend on the phone the other day, "so afraid that I'm going to lose someone else that I love." So I eat. Rather than face my fear and my anger that cancer has stirred within me, I eat. I eat to calm my mind. I eat more to fill the pain in my heart. I eat until I can't feel anymore. I eat until I can block out the emotions that attempt to surface. I don't know what to do with these emotions. I have no control over cancer or the health of my loved ones. So for two years now, I have been stuffing my emotions every moment I stuff my mouth.

To identify this connection may help me finally overcome this terrible addiction I have to food. If I can simply identify that I am not hungry but rather angry, afraid, or confused... can this allow me the choice to cope in a different fashion? I can choose to write. I can call a friend. I can run and clear my mind. I can cry. I can take my worries and give them to God. All the while recognizing that I have no control over some of these emotions that seize my heart but I do have control over the way I respond. I can choose to change. Not only my nasty habits but my attitude that goes along with them.

I can choose joy. And I find that in my relationship with God alone.

Arguing with Myself

I find myself arguing with myself a lot these days. One of these arguments occurs every time I think of my dad's death. It's just not right that a man who took care of his body the way my dad did should be dead at such a young age.

I recall a conversation with my cousin that repeated itself with other family members as well. She said something to the effect of, "It's just such a surprise. If this was going to happen to anyone in our family, your dad would just be the last person we'd ever have expected. He was so healthy."

My dad ate vegetables daily. He grew his own garden, found the harvest of mulberries from the wild tree in their front yard to be a feast, and turned down most any sugary treat he would encounter. He played basketball for a hobby, did construction for a living and exercised up until the very last days of his life. My dad's picture could have gone in the dictionary next to "good health".

According to the rule of thumb, my dad should have lived a long life. My paternal grandpa died about a year before my dad. I remember my dad referring to this during his own battle with cancer. "I was certain I would at least live to be his age," my dad shared, "seeing as how I took care of myself, I thought I'd live another 10 years at least beyond that." It was just a fore drawn conclusion that someone who paid attention to the food they ate should live longer than someone who did not.

This leads me to the obstacle in overcoming my food addiction. A number of years earlier when I had been convinced to lose weight, one of my reasonings was a longer life. My mind will no longer accept this line of thinking. The argument I have with myself is case and point: my dad. Where did refusing all those yummy foods get him?

Reality is that living a healthy lifestyle, including wise food choices will, more often than not, extend your life. I have to quit using my dad's death as an argument within my own head to excuse myself from healthy eating.

This is the Truth

Ever wonder what is real? Do you feel like your life is a mess? This video was shown in church yesterday. I thought it was so incredibly cool. I thought you might, too. God thinks completely opposite of the way we think. It'd do me some good to remember that.

I'm so glad life is different because of God.

Motivation?

My niece is having a party tomorrow to celebrate her 8th birthday. It's a pool party. Nikelle will be thrilled. Jaycie will want to be in the pool but she will want Rod or I with her. Andelise will want to do what her big sisters are doing. Do you think Rod will be able to handle both of the little ones in the pool by himself?

I realize that I would be a good mom if I would go in the pool with them. The frustrating part of all of this is that I don't fit in my swimsuit from this past summer (which size I was frustrated about at the time). It looks like I get to go swimsuit shopping tomorrow. Maybe that will motivate me to finally get on the ball and lose some weight!

Thank God for friendships!

A couple of friends called me today interrupting my pity party. It's amazing what a change in perspective can do. I thank God for the friends that help me with that.

I started doing something to dig out of my hole. I'm thankful for the snow God gave us yesterday and the shoveling I had to do yesterday and today. Without it, I don't think I'd get any exercise in.

The girls both napped at the same time today and I was able to shovel, shower and rest a bit. The main thing to change my perspective is just remembering life is not about me. Oh, I'm certain I'll still get discouraged like I was earlier.

Jaycie had slipped and fallen. I was sitting on the floor holding Jaycie all the while watching Ande scream and cry and throw a fit because I wouldn't give in and give her the chocolate she wanted. I realize these moments are part of this season of life. I simply need to find the joy in these moments and move on to the next.

Thank God for friendships!