Morning by Morning

Yesterday I took my baby to get her 18-month pictures taken. She surprised me with the way she cooperated and as I look at her pictures, I'm struck with the thought that I no longer have a little baby anymore. She then proceeded later in the day to take off all of her clothes and use the potty chair. The fact that my littlest one is growing up, in and of itself, does not sadden my heart. How quickly time flies, however, does tug at my soul. We have these kids to shape for such a short period of time.

I was praying the other day and asking God to cover our mistakes. I know we will screw our kids up. It's inevitable. We're human and most children want to change something from their own upbringing. That's when it struck me (again) that it all starts right here with me. Yes, I will screw up. I will make mistakes. What will matter to my kids is how I handle those moments. Do I claim to be perfect? Do I think I'm doing everything right? Do I truly believe I have all the answers? Or can I humbly apologize when I wrong my children? Can I admit that I am a flawed sinner who needs forgiveness? Can I honestly inform my children that I don't have all the answers but I know who does and I trust in Him?

I posted on Facebook this Monday that I was thankful for a fresh start. That's one thing I embrace about Mondays. What I need to remember, however, is that each and every day brings with it a fresh start. The song lyrics, "Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me," runs through my mind. I'm thankful that each moment I have the opportunity to start with a clean slate. All because Christ cleaned me from the inside out when He took my sin upon the cross. All because I'm covered with grace.

Today is Wednesday. I'm thankful for Wednesdays. It means I have a fresh start, a new beginning, a day to implement some change.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:8-10

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." - Lamentations 3:21-26

Eating through sleep deprivation

I'm very aware of the fact that I eat when I'm tired and can't sleep. I guess that I think for some reason eating will help me stay awake better??? I'm really not sure why I do it. It's just one excuse that I have yet to overcome.

Today, my baby is 18-months-old and I am a bit sleep deprived. She'll go a stretch of sleeping well and then she gets sick or cuts teeth and all that is out the window. Of course, when she goes the stretch of sleeping well, someone else is sick and needs me in the middle of the night.

There was one night this past week where everyone was sleeping soundly and yet I awoke to a loud "boom". I could not figure out what the noise was and heard yelling. I was a tad bit concerned that someone was attempting to break into our house. Finally, I figured out that someone decided to run through our neighbor's fence with their vehicle. Once that mystery was solved, I was able to get back to sleep all the while fairly irritated with the fact that even when my family does allow me to sleep there's something else keeping me awake.

I have an early to bed early to rise philosophy. When this doesn't work with our weekly schedule, I begin to feel run down and fill my exhaustion with food. Most of the time, I can identify this and just get my butt to bed but there are times when meetings and children do not allow me to take that course. Yesterday and today would fall into that category and I have not coped in an appropriate way. Tonight is another "need to be up" moment and I look forward to a down day tomorrow where I can hopefully get a nap or something before another evening out.

At least there is Saturday to look forward to. Rod will share the load that morning. I really need to figure out another avenue for dealing with my sleep deprivation when I can't hit the hay. For now, I'm so grateful I don't do this parenting thing alone!

Identification = Change

Identifying the excuses I make has been helpful in changing my ways. Now, when I think of one of these excuses I can quickly identify it as just that and find something else to do other than eat. If we never quite pinpoint the problem, how do we change?

For years now, I've had a problem with my toes. I had gone to a podiatrist back when Nike was a baby and was informed that I have a circulation issue. There wasn't really much I could do other than attempt to keep my toes from getting cold. It's always worse in the winter. My toes itch so incredibly bad that the only way I can relieve it is to scald my toes with hot water. The other morning, I decided to google things a little further and found a name for the problem: Chilblains. When my toes get cold and I warm them up too quickly (i.e., with a heater), my blood vessels refuse to work properly and I end up with sore, itchy, red toes. This is a fairly consistent problem during the winter and it clears up some in the warmer months.

Knowing this allows me to change. Rather than heating my toes up quickly by cranking up the floor heat in the van or even using a space heater, I now warm them slowly. This has lead to huge improvement. I can now put my shoes on without pain. So I put them on this morning and utilized my treadmill.

Identifying my problems, triggers, excuses... it's all part of changing the path I'm on.

Comfort in Song

The picture is of Dad, Nike & myself at the Reindeer Run in December 2006

A friend of mine gave me a song when my dad was dying of cancer. It comforted her during her dad's own battle and she thought I may find comfort in it as well. Other than the part about where he asked his girl to marry him and where the babies came to life, this dad reminds me in a huge way of my dad. I miss my dad and I find comfort in the fact that as he was leaving this world he may have missed us. Most of all, I cling to the fact that when he laid down to die, he laid down to live.



LAY ME DOWN by ANDREW PETERSON

I suppose you could lay me down to die in Illinois
Bury me beneath the rows of corn
Or in-between the maple trees I climbed on as a boy
Where in the Land of Lincoln I was born

Oh, and I recall
We rode the combines in the fall
And there comes a time
For gathering the harvest after all

So when you lay me down to die
I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die
You lay me down to live

Well I asked a girl to marry me on a dock out on the lake
Our babies came to life in Tennessee
And the music of the mountains is still keeping me awake
Yeah, but everything that rises falls asleep

We are not alone
We are more than flesh and bone
What is seen will pass away
What is not is going home

When you lay me down to die
I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die

I’ll open up my eyes on the skies I’ve never known
In the place where I belong
And I’ll realize His love is just another word for Home

I believe in the holy shores of uncreated light
I believe there is power in the blood
And all of the death that ever was,
If you set it next to life
I believe it would barely fill a cup
‘Cause I believe there’s power in the blood

When you lay me down to die
So long, boys, so long, girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die
You lay me down to live

All or Nothing

My "all or nothing" mentality, I've decided, is one of the reasons I am not currently in a healthy place in my life. One needs to eat healthy and exercise regularly in order to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle, correct?

When I trained for the marathon in 2007, I injured my foot early on going down the basement stairs. I believe that injury lead to an injury in my leg and both injuries are nagging to say the least. I went to physical therapy this fall and they gave me exercises to do in order to help. Par for the course, I twisted my foot, again, while in therapy. This time, unpacking from a camping trip. (Maybe I need to start watching where I walk.) Still, I know if I regularly do the exercises given to me by the therapists and continue with an exercise routine, the injuries don't flare too much.

Any exercising I've done since November has been sporatic to say the least. Needless to say, my foot and leg have that continuous nagging pain again. I'm making the choice not to work exercise into my life right now. The stretching involved prior to a run as well as after do not fit in with life's current demands.

All of this lead to my choice that I may as well eat whatever I want, too. If I can't exercise, according to what I've heard, I'm not going to maintain a healthy lifestyle anyway, so why not slack on the other requirement as well? I know this probably doesn't make sense to most but in my warped mentality, it is a completely rational thought.

For the past two weeks I have been attempting to implement healthy eating back into my lifestyle. (Exercise is still on hold.) I have eaten for nutrition, journaled, included five fruits and/or vegetables in my daily diet and kept within my Weight Watchers points target. Eating for nutrition rather than emotion is a huge step for me. There have been moments I have wanted to eat emotionally. For four consecutive days, however, I have fed those emotions in different ways.

When I feel the desire to eat and know it is not from hunger, I have a choice to make. I have made the choice recently to work through those emotions by writing, talking, organizing, or even napping. Making better choices than stuffing my emotions (or my mouth) have given me results (small - but results nonetheless).

This is certainly a path I plan to continue on. I also plan to work exercise back in. This will require overcoming some mental blocks as well. These lifestyle changes are going to take some time. Hopefully, they will be just that, though - for life.