Today, my family will come over to celebrate Easter together. This is the third year we celebrate without my dad. Funny how it still hurts. The pain is still so fresh. And yet, it's become part of life. I don't struggle quite as much with the fact that it is truly a reality. I don't attempt to squeeze the topic of my dad into conversations quite as much. It's not crucial to my heart as much anymore that my girls remember my dad. But I still wish he was here.
As we were headed to the Good Friday service last night, I decided to talk with Jaycie about Jesus' death on the cross. I wanted to be certain she understood it as we were going to be partaking in communion and I wanted her to be able to participate.
"Jaycie, do you know why Jesus died on the cross?"
"Yes," she replied quite confidently. "So he can take us to heaven and we can be with Papa and Grandpa."
"That is a nice perk to be able to see Papa and Grandpa again," I smiled as I watched my husband smirk from the corner of my eye.
I felt the need to clarify a little further. "Jesus loved us so much that he died on the cross to take away our sins."
It's really what keeps me going. The fact that we live for something bigger than ourselves. If I don't live for God... If my purpose in life wasn't greater than myself... I'm not really sure how I could face each day. I'm so forever grateful that this world is not all there is. Eternity is what we live for and hope for... with Jesus.
And yes, my darling, Jaycie... with Papa and Grandpa, too.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Good Friday
The New Living Translation brought Colossians 2:13 and 14 alive for me tonight:
God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.
Very cool!
God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.
Very cool!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Great Cathedrals
"Our words, like a chisel, are building our children." The comparison of our children to the great cathedrals in Europe by Nicole Johnson in her sketch at the Hearts at Home conference really created a strong mental image for me.
She talked about the fact that so often, we as moms, feel invisible. Our husband will mention that there is no butter on the table and the butter magically appears as though there is a butter fairy. We tell our children over and over again to pick up their toys but it is as though no one can hear us. As she tied this in with the fact that the builders of the great cathedrals are unknown, I found myself nodding my head. "God sees you and the work that you do," she reminded us. "We are building great cathedrals and if we build them well, God may be able to live in them someday."
My children are great cathedrals that I have the privilege of building. My yelling and criticisms are doing the exact opposite of building - they do nothing but tear down. I went home with a determination to change. I returned home to my sleeping girls and shared some of what I had learned with my husband before going to bed myself.
The next morning, my oldest daughter came downstairs a little later than usual due to the "spring ahead" time change. Feeling rejuvenated from the conference and time away, I welcomed her hug and cherished it a little more than usual. My husband chose that moment to hurry her along because they were going to be late.
My initial response was, "Good grief! She just wants to give her mom a hug. She hasn't seen me the last couple of days and you are rushing her away. It won't kill you to leave 5 minutes late. All you need to do is actually drive the speed limit and you'll be there on time!" (I had just told him in a fight - although one-sided - that he drove like a grandpa the week prior.)
"That wasn't nice," he responded calmly.
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" I geared up for another barrage of poorly chosen words to throw at my husband but found God stopping me. "...that wasn't nice." I decided to utilize a little self-control. (I believe self-control is really an oxymoron because I have no control over it. Self-control only works when I allow the Holy Spirit to control me.)
Nikelle chose this moment to comment. "Mommy, are you trying to control your temper?" I believe that this was God's way of affirming that this is the path I should be on. I wanted to celebrate and yell, "Thanks for noticing, baby!"
The kids are watching me all the time. When I hear them talk disrespectfully to their dad, it is only because they are imitating my disrespect. I need to remember that it's not when I yell the loudest that I am heard the most clearly. It's in the day-to-day moments that they hear me most.
"Invisibility is Love's greatest costume given only to its choicest of servants." Nicole Johnson finished. "Wear it well."
She talked about the fact that so often, we as moms, feel invisible. Our husband will mention that there is no butter on the table and the butter magically appears as though there is a butter fairy. We tell our children over and over again to pick up their toys but it is as though no one can hear us. As she tied this in with the fact that the builders of the great cathedrals are unknown, I found myself nodding my head. "God sees you and the work that you do," she reminded us. "We are building great cathedrals and if we build them well, God may be able to live in them someday."
My children are great cathedrals that I have the privilege of building. My yelling and criticisms are doing the exact opposite of building - they do nothing but tear down. I went home with a determination to change. I returned home to my sleeping girls and shared some of what I had learned with my husband before going to bed myself.
The next morning, my oldest daughter came downstairs a little later than usual due to the "spring ahead" time change. Feeling rejuvenated from the conference and time away, I welcomed her hug and cherished it a little more than usual. My husband chose that moment to hurry her along because they were going to be late.
My initial response was, "Good grief! She just wants to give her mom a hug. She hasn't seen me the last couple of days and you are rushing her away. It won't kill you to leave 5 minutes late. All you need to do is actually drive the speed limit and you'll be there on time!" (I had just told him in a fight - although one-sided - that he drove like a grandpa the week prior.)
"That wasn't nice," he responded calmly.
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" I geared up for another barrage of poorly chosen words to throw at my husband but found God stopping me. "...that wasn't nice." I decided to utilize a little self-control. (I believe self-control is really an oxymoron because I have no control over it. Self-control only works when I allow the Holy Spirit to control me.)
Nikelle chose this moment to comment. "Mommy, are you trying to control your temper?" I believe that this was God's way of affirming that this is the path I should be on. I wanted to celebrate and yell, "Thanks for noticing, baby!"
The kids are watching me all the time. When I hear them talk disrespectfully to their dad, it is only because they are imitating my disrespect. I need to remember that it's not when I yell the loudest that I am heard the most clearly. It's in the day-to-day moments that they hear me most.
"Invisibility is Love's greatest costume given only to its choicest of servants." Nicole Johnson finished. "Wear it well."
Monday, March 22, 2010
Bombarded
It seems that whenever we want to change, we are faced with situation after situation where we are tempted to stay the same. I have really been convicted that I need to become self-controlled. Ever since attending Hearts at Home, I have been acutely aware that my temper is unacceptable and it is time for some change. I am hurting those I love most and that is far from my heart's desire.
I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last week with my 4-year-old because she was coughing so hard she was throwing up. Although very capable of handling the situation in the moment, morning came too quickly. The baby was up early as usual and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was greeted with crabbiness every moment I was in her sight. Nap time brought huge relief which ended shortly when my preschooler decided "room time" was over before I was ready. I simply had no energy to fight.
When my oldest returned home from school, I reminded her over and over again to do her homework. We were supposed to be leaving in an hour to go to my niece's track meet but my second grader was continually distracted from the task at hand.
While I was attempting to get everything ready to leave, the baby was demanding to eat some shredded coconut. Again, I was too tired to fight and gave in to her request. Too bad the highly-demanded snack was thrown all over the floor. I was now shouting at my 7-year-old to "DO HER HOMEWORK!" all the while fielding questions from my middle child.
At this point, my 18-month-old decided to drop a buck of toys on my foot. There are now tears in my eyes as I fight from allowing myself to completely lose control while I carefully pick every piece of shredded coconut out of the carpet. "Please do your homework," I begged my child.
I finally get the girls loaded into the van to leave. Deciding this is a good time to make long overdue deposits of Christmas money they received into each of their bank accounts, I head out the door. By the time I reached the bank, I had calmed down substantially. And good thing for that because the teller began to ask me if I knew that my checking account was overdrawn!
What?! There was no possible way! Having just received our tax return (and a greater amount than anticipated), I was quite certain she was mistaken. I attempted to convince the teller that she was looking at something wrong and she continued in her attempt to help me understand that my account was overdrawn. As I was beginning to wonder if there was some type of identity theft involved, she realized her mistake and went to talk to a woman in another drive-up lane.
As she completed the correct transaction for me, I got the message that the day could be worse. With a sigh of relief, I accepted the suckers she returned with the deposit slips for the girls and headed out to my niece's track meet.
My sister helped juggle the kids while we watched my niece compete. The baby pulled her sister's pony tail out of her hair and I attempted to console her as the oldest whined that she was hungry. It's just a typical moment in the life of a mom.
I was thankful that I was able to watch my niece run. I felt a well of emotion inside me and wondered if that is like anything I will feel when my own children begin extracurricular activities of the like.
I grabbed a pizza for the kids on the way home uncertain of whether I was grateful to get out to a meeting that evening or too exhausted to even head out the door. "Uh-oh," was my cue to the fact that I now had vomit to clean up from the baby now. I got everything cleaned up and the laundry loaded into the washing machine. Watching the clock, I quickly shoved some food into my mouth and headed out for my meeting. At the meeting, we discussed the news of a friend whose brother had passed away unexpectedly in his young 40's. He left behind a wife and three kids.
Needless to say, as I laid my head on the pillow that evening, my perspective was corrected again. I have three kids to care for. Memories to cherish. A husband at home beside me. I'm reminded to cherish each and every moment I have. For who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And what if this moment is my last? How will it be remembered? Will I be yelling at my kids? Will I be exploding at my husband? I don't want to leave those memories behind. I want my kids to remember that #1 - I loved God and #2 - I loved their daddy. That will leave them secure in the love I have for them as well as the love I have for others.
I may feel bombarded with situations that tempt me to lose my cool every day. What I need to remember is that it's worth facing every day. If that's what I need to change, bring it on!
I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last week with my 4-year-old because she was coughing so hard she was throwing up. Although very capable of handling the situation in the moment, morning came too quickly. The baby was up early as usual and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was greeted with crabbiness every moment I was in her sight. Nap time brought huge relief which ended shortly when my preschooler decided "room time" was over before I was ready. I simply had no energy to fight.
When my oldest returned home from school, I reminded her over and over again to do her homework. We were supposed to be leaving in an hour to go to my niece's track meet but my second grader was continually distracted from the task at hand.
While I was attempting to get everything ready to leave, the baby was demanding to eat some shredded coconut. Again, I was too tired to fight and gave in to her request. Too bad the highly-demanded snack was thrown all over the floor. I was now shouting at my 7-year-old to "DO HER HOMEWORK!" all the while fielding questions from my middle child.
At this point, my 18-month-old decided to drop a buck of toys on my foot. There are now tears in my eyes as I fight from allowing myself to completely lose control while I carefully pick every piece of shredded coconut out of the carpet. "Please do your homework," I begged my child.
I finally get the girls loaded into the van to leave. Deciding this is a good time to make long overdue deposits of Christmas money they received into each of their bank accounts, I head out the door. By the time I reached the bank, I had calmed down substantially. And good thing for that because the teller began to ask me if I knew that my checking account was overdrawn!
What?! There was no possible way! Having just received our tax return (and a greater amount than anticipated), I was quite certain she was mistaken. I attempted to convince the teller that she was looking at something wrong and she continued in her attempt to help me understand that my account was overdrawn. As I was beginning to wonder if there was some type of identity theft involved, she realized her mistake and went to talk to a woman in another drive-up lane.
As she completed the correct transaction for me, I got the message that the day could be worse. With a sigh of relief, I accepted the suckers she returned with the deposit slips for the girls and headed out to my niece's track meet.
My sister helped juggle the kids while we watched my niece compete. The baby pulled her sister's pony tail out of her hair and I attempted to console her as the oldest whined that she was hungry. It's just a typical moment in the life of a mom.
I was thankful that I was able to watch my niece run. I felt a well of emotion inside me and wondered if that is like anything I will feel when my own children begin extracurricular activities of the like.
I grabbed a pizza for the kids on the way home uncertain of whether I was grateful to get out to a meeting that evening or too exhausted to even head out the door. "Uh-oh," was my cue to the fact that I now had vomit to clean up from the baby now. I got everything cleaned up and the laundry loaded into the washing machine. Watching the clock, I quickly shoved some food into my mouth and headed out for my meeting. At the meeting, we discussed the news of a friend whose brother had passed away unexpectedly in his young 40's. He left behind a wife and three kids.
Needless to say, as I laid my head on the pillow that evening, my perspective was corrected again. I have three kids to care for. Memories to cherish. A husband at home beside me. I'm reminded to cherish each and every moment I have. For who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And what if this moment is my last? How will it be remembered? Will I be yelling at my kids? Will I be exploding at my husband? I don't want to leave those memories behind. I want my kids to remember that #1 - I loved God and #2 - I loved their daddy. That will leave them secure in the love I have for them as well as the love I have for others.
I may feel bombarded with situations that tempt me to lose my cool every day. What I need to remember is that it's worth facing every day. If that's what I need to change, bring it on!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Random Questions in my Head today
Does the wise fiscal choice of eating leftover pizza and breadsticks for breakfast balance out the poor nutritional choice I just made?
Is it terrible that I allow my 4-year-old to sleep past 9am in the morning just because I am enjoying the sanity created by having only one child making demands of me?
Does my 18-month-old’s action of throwing her Cheerios all over the floor express her desire to have the floor be her plate or does she just prefer to leave them there for easy snacking access later in the day?
Why is it that my mind waits until the moment I finally motivate myself to get showered so I can run some errands and do something with my day to remember that I have the baby’s car seat disassembled because I had to clean up vomit yesterday?
Is it terrible that I allow my 4-year-old to sleep past 9am in the morning just because I am enjoying the sanity created by having only one child making demands of me?
Does my 18-month-old’s action of throwing her Cheerios all over the floor express her desire to have the floor be her plate or does she just prefer to leave them there for easy snacking access later in the day?
Why is it that my mind waits until the moment I finally motivate myself to get showered so I can run some errands and do something with my day to remember that I have the baby’s car seat disassembled because I had to clean up vomit yesterday?
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