Imperfect Perfection

Dad on a Sunday morning with his Bible and my brother
(not the way I picture him - but a cool picture anyway)

The other day, a friend of mine asked me to suggest some hymns because her grandmother had passed away. I spent a morning thumbing through our hymnal recalling one song after the other. Peace overwhelmed as I the tunes played through my mind and words lifted from my tongue. At times, tears won out at the mixture of sadness and joy as thoughts of Dad crept in.

For a time, Dad was the song leader at our church. I remember him sitting in the pew, hymnal in hand, marking the songs he wanted the congregation to sing together. The picture of him standing at the pulpit, dressed in his suit, directing us with his hands, reminds me how worship was more enjoyable because my daddy was leading us.

I began writing this morning to talk about the way my friend’s request reminded me how much I crave time alone with my God. Singing hymns reminded me of the fact that I need to do more than just spend time consistently reading the Bible and lifting my requests to my Lord in prayer. I need to continually spend time worshipping and acknowledging the Almighty for who He is.

In mentioning my dad, I am struck with the fact that he left me this example. Dad was not a perfect man. At times, I struggle with pain that was left behind because it cannot be remedied with a face-to-face conversation. And then God gives me the gift of a memory; a memory that floods my heart and wells up tears and breaks through my pain. No, dad wasn’t perfect; but in his imperfection, he led by example. When I think of someone who had awe and respect and reverence for God, I see my dad’s emotion-filled face in my mind.

What kind of example will I unknowingly leave behind for my kids? I know they will remember those moments where I screw up. Sadly, the faults blind us and make it nearly impossible to recall the positive. I’m thankful that God continues to heal my soul with memories that impacted who I am today. Dad led songs because there was a need; not because he wanted to be center stage. He was just a man who loved God and wanted others to share in that love. When he talked about God and the gratefulness welled up in his throat, causing his chin to quiver, I’m certain he had no idea the impact he was making on his youngest daughter. And yet today, God uses it as a balm for my wounded heart. My daddy was an imperfect man who loved God and desired to please Him. (On a side note: I love to imagine him in his perfected stated with Jesus.)

I’m glad my dad wasn’t perfect. It gives me hope for myself. Maybe my girls will catch me in a vulnerable moment and hold onto that memory to bring their hearts comfort some day. Today, I choose to look at God’s creation and stand in awe because my daddy did. I will laugh and thank God for my children because my dad thoroughly enjoyed them, too. As we enter into the holidays, the pain in my heart will draw me to lean on the Truth we are celebrating because of his example. I will remember that he was a gift to draw me to The Father of us all. And I will stand in grateful awe with my eyes on the hope of Heaven and the day we will all be rid of our impurities with Jesus.

Monday's Mullings: You are a Masterpiece

This song by Sandi Patty entitled “Masterpiece” was one that I sung with my brother at my niece’s baby dedication. I was 15 when she was born. This song impacted my heart in a way that I’ve sung it to all three of my girls as I rocked them to sleep as babies. I believe they are God’s special design. It boggles my mind how anyone can look at a little baby and believe they are anything less than God’s creation. I used Psalm 139 on their birth announcements.

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!”

I think of the way I watched my mom or grandma knit. The thought of their delicate care in their work overwhelms my heart. This is the word picture God gives when he refers to His creation of us. Certainly, I believe that we, as human beings, created in God’s image, are His masterpiece.

My mind wandered yesterday from rocking my baby girls to standing in front of my bathroom mirror alone. “Every time you look into the mirror, you look at a work of art,” my pastor emphasized from the platform. Do I really believe I am a work of art? I know God created me and I believe He did a wonderful job with my girls and even other people in this world… but me… a work of art? I tend to question his handiwork when it comes to the reflection staring back at me. The list of imperfections in my mind are long. I nod my head in agreement, however. I do believe I am a work of art created by the God of the Universe. It’s time I remind myself of this and praise Him for His work rather than criticize.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” – Ephesians 2:10

Currently, my intentions are to write this verse along my girls’ bathroom mirror. More importantly, I need to write it on my heart. I am God’s masterpiece. If I truly believe this and live it, my girls will learn to do the same by example.

Pastor Dennis then ended directing our thoughts to an auction. Many pieces of art go for a lot of money. He stressed that “No piece of art has ever cost more than you.” We are God’s artwork paid for by the blood of Christ.

“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19

The challenge: Live up to the price that’s been paid for you.

Birthday Letter #6 to Jaycie October 2011

Dear Jaycie,

It has been so encouraging to watch you grow this last year of your life. To hear you excited to spend time with your friends at school makes me smile. While I love the moments you want to snuggle, I know God created you for more than just a relationship with me. I want others to know our fun, loving Jaycie the way we do. You’ve come such a long way from being attached to your Mama, Little Lama.

You thrive on making others laugh. I enjoy listening to your funny stories and witnessing your silly antics. You have a special way of brightening our lives.

The questions you come up with seem never ending. You are one smart cookie who desires answers to her inquiries. I pray your questions will drive you closer to God, that you will accept the fact that certain answers will not come this side of Heaven and remember we are saved by grace through faith. Sometimes, you will just have to embrace the answers God has given us and have faith for the rest.

I am so thankful that memorizing comes so easy for you. While we are working to get you to actually sound out words so you can learn to read rather than just memorize the stories, it does our hearts good to know memorizing Bible verses for AWANA is not a problem. It is so very important to know the Bible. The Bible is God’s Word to us and it allows us to know His voice.

One of my fondest memories of your sixth year of life is family prayer time. When it is your turn to pray, your eyes are open as you scan the room. You begin to pray and then continue on with one thing you see, moving on to the next thing your eyes catch and so on. You even thank God for yourself in your prayers. And that you should, because you are His masterpiece. Sometimes I wonder if your prayer will ever end and then I remember that my desire is for you to stay in constant communication with our Lord and Savior.

Dance was a highlight of your summer. While I screwed up and only taped the one dance instead of two, it was so fun to watch you in a comfortable element. As you practice tap or show me how you can balance on the tips of your toes, I find myself wishing we could dedicate more time and money to dance for you.

We love to watch the moments you and your sisters get along. I know it can be difficult for you sometimes with Andelise being so little still, but you are doing a good job of being her big sister. Probably because you have such a good example that you look up to.

I enjoy watching you play because it reveals so much about you. You seem to be an expert at puzzles and Legos. Daddy is so excited that you want to make creations out of Legos with him. When I see you swinging, there appears not to be a worry in the world. You get so excited to see Treasure and Loyal when Grams comes over. Although you don't want her grown puppies to jump all over you, you welcome being close to them when they calm down. Sitting down next to them, you pet their heads and talk sweetly to them (the same way you do when you give our Pup a kiss on the cheek and tell her you love her). This, as well as the moments I catch you playing with your baby dolls or Barbies, are especially endearing to witness.

I’m sorry that I cause your smiling face to crumble with my lofty expectations. I am working to learn what is truly important and to let go of the rest. My prayer is that you and your sisters will know how very much I love each one of you. I realize my faults and sins may cause you to question my love at times. I am imperfect and therefore, my love is far from perfection as well. If I can raise you and point your eyes and direct your heart to the only one who can love you perfectly, then, my dear daughter, I have mothered well.

I desire so much for you, Jaycie. For today, I want you to have friends that will bring out the best in you. Every day, I hope your family relationships will grow strong and be quality for a lifetime. It is my hope that the community we surround you with of friends and church family as well as our God-given family will allow you an earthly glimpse of God’s love for you. My hope for your future is that you will have a man love you the way your daddy loves me because God intended the marriage relationship to mirror our relationship with Him. Ultimately, Jaycie Mariah, my prayer is that you will live your life in grateful response to the love God demonstrated through Jesus’ death on the cross for you. For there is no greater love and this is what life is all about.

Please know how very much I love you and please forgive me for the times I mess up. I’m thankful God gave us you. My life is richer because you are in it and I am better because of my relationship with you. I look forward to seeing what God has in store for you this next year.

Love,

Mommy

My Daughter's Reflection of Me (October HAH Blog Hop)

I’m grateful that we are back to the monthly Hearts at Home Blog Hop today. For October: Tell us about that time at the playground when that thing happened.

It seems like it is so easy to get embarrassed or irritated with things my children do. Too often, I believe that their actions are a reflection on me. Sadly, the expectations I put on my children are too lofty and too much about myself.

The moment that keeps blaring in my mind when I think of my girls and outings with our friends was more of a disappointment than anything else. It was one of the first fits I recall my oldest daughter throwing. We were on a walk to the library with her first or second grade class. (My oldest is very compliant and fits are highly uncommon.)

Anytime we are in a group situation, I tend to talk to the adults and expect my children to play with their friends. At this outing, Nikelle was walking with her friends as I talked with their mom. The walk was so nice. The weather was beautiful. Everything went smoothly. Until the end of the scavenger hunt the librarian organized for the kids.

My daughter and her friends all found the books that were listed and turned in proof for their prize. (The prizes were the usual use-a-couple-times-and-throw-away kind of junk we so often acquire.) As my daughter chose her item I made sure it was what she wanted. Being that the prize was a whistle or something (I really don’t remember what the item was); I knew there would be no option of changing our minds later. Assuring me that this was her desired prize, we walked away.

As her friends met up with us to walk the forest preserve path back to our vehicles, Nikelle noticed their prize choices and inquired as to changing her mind. Informing her that we already had this discussion, my daughter began to throw a fit. It wasn’t a throw-myself-on-the-ground, kicking and screaming kind of fit but there was pouting and stomping involved. The part that disappointed me the most was the way she took it out on her friends. As we walked back to the car, I witnessed her friends attempting to catch up with her to walk together and make conversation. I was in disbelief as I watched my sweet little girl run from them to continue her pity party.

Getting into the van, I prayed for the right response with my daughter. The root of the matter was that she had an ungrateful heart. She didn’t appreciate the walk with her mom, with her friends, or the kind gesture by the library to offer prizes. This was an issue of character and one that saddened my mother’s heart.

Pulling away, I noticed some of God’s natural consequences for my daughter’s behavior and pointed them out to her. Her friends that she was running away from on the walk were now rolling down a hill, laughing and extending their time of fun. As she saw them, she made the request to join them. I informed her that because of her behavior, she would not be participating in their fun.

When we got home, I sent my daughter to her room to think about the situation. She was instructed to write a list of 10 or 20 things she was thankful for (I don’t recall the exact number). I then went to my husband and cried about our imperfect daughter. The concern was that we were raising ungrateful children. What I recall more than anything that day was the way my daughter came down with a list of thanksgiving exceeding the number required of her. This discipline was effective and I believe came because I asked God for wisdom in handling the situation.

I don’t recall if my heartbreak over the situation had anything to do with a fear of reflection of myself. However, I realize that every action in my children should draw my attention back to me. Not because my children are a reflection of me to others. Rather, my children are a reflection of my character. If I disapprove of their behavior, it is time to examine my own. What flaws do you witness your children reflecting back at you?

5 things I wish I'd known

What are 5 things you wished you would have known BEFORE you became a mother?

Before I became a mother, I knew the very best way to raise children. It was easy for me to judge “those” moms who simply did not raise their children appropriately. Too often, I shook my head in disgust. If those parents would only invest the necessary time and implement the necessary rules, their children would not be behaving that way. Then I had kids.

I wish I knew how futile it would be to measure myself up to other moms. Every mom is different. That’s the bottom line. No two women mother exactly alike and there is so much freedom in knowing that. Too often, I succumb to the lies that other moms are better. It’s just not true. We are certainly different and they may have strengths I don’t but that just means I have strengths that they don’t. It’s time to quit the comparison game in mothering.

It’s time to quit the comparison game between our children as well. No matter how hard we try, we cannot hold to one set of rules for every child. We have to be flexible because our children our different. What works with one child may not work with another. It is important to modify our plan of action to best suit each child. I wish I knew that determining my list of rules before my first child was born would only lead to frustration. Circumstances will change. With each new scenario comes a need for flexibility.

I wish I knew the certain failure that came with parenting. The failure of living up to my own expectations as well as the expectations of my children and the expectations of others are inevitable. There is no possible way I can live up to my own expectations. They are always too lofty. Inevitably, my children will grow up with a list of the way I failed them as I did with my parents and they did with theirs. Children always know better than their parents (until they become parents anyway). Just as I judged others, they are judging me and it doesn’t matter. Until they walk in my shoes and know the life I live, they cannot judge accurately. There is only one Judge whose opinion matters and I will face Him on Judgment Day.

Pain in parenting is unavoidable. I certainly could not comprehend that fact before my first child came along. There is pain for our children the moment we dream about their existence. In bringing the child into the world, we endure pain. Once that child is here and has to experience pain for themselves, it is utterly heartbreaking. In those moments where I cannot take the hurt away, all pain is magnified. It saddens me deeply to watch my child endure the pain. In this pain, I am drawn closer to God. The love I have for my own children gives me a glimpse of His indescribable love.

There are a lot of things I wish I had known before I had children. Just like being a teenager who has to experience it before they’ll ever understand, however, I had to become a parent first. The pains of parenting are completely outweighed by the joys. I’m so grateful to be the mom to three little girls. More so, I’m grateful to have a Heavenly Father who is the only perfect parent I ever need to measure up to.