Building Community

I really believe that one of the worst seasons in life to be in is one where you are looking for a church home. It would be nice if we could walk into the doors of a church and feel welcomed right away but who really does? We don’t know where to go or what to do and all we want is a friend. It’s all a bit awkward. I mean who wants to feel as if they don’t belong?

About 15 years ago, my husband and I hesitantly set out in search of a new community. Like a wounded animal from the most painful experience in my life to that date, I guarded my heart from any further injury. While I dug my heels in, the man God gave me was adamant that finding a new church was important for us. I am so grateful he pushed us forward.

For quite some time, I wouldn’t allow anyone to get past the walls I built up in my life. This way, I wouldn’t have to experience the deep pain inflicted on me by others. At the same time, I would never be able to taste the essence of community the way God intended it to be. Over time, I began to realize it was time to let God soften my heart of stone. As long as I remained cold to those God placed in my life, I was the one responsible for my pain.

Slowly, I began to accept invitations. I’ve learned I can trust again. And in those moments where trust is broken, I get back up again. The search for a new community was not fun but it was the best thing we ever did! If you are searching, don't give up. A church operating the way God intended it to be is well worth the effort!

This year, I’m taking another step toward building my community. I’m hosting an (in)RL meetup in my home. If you are looking for community, you're welcome to join mine! Here is the link for more information on the conference as well as registration: http://www.incourage.me/inrl. (It's free!) You can find the information on our meetup here: http://www.meetup.com/incouragemeetups/.

 

 

You won't want to miss it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ministry of Availability (No More Perfect Days)

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9
 

I am not much of a list maker. To me, it feels a lot like scrubbing the dishes just before loading them into the dishwasher to start it. Why spend the extra time making the list when one can just delve in and tackle it head on?

Many embrace the freedom a to-do list allows their mind. I’ve been told that crossing items off as the day wears on brings satisfaction. With today being one of those days (booked from the moment my feet hit the floor until I could bury myself under my covers before entering dreamland once again), I decided to prepare by itemizing my agenda.

 

Everything was set to go for today’s Science Fair presentation my daughter spent months preparing for. Unfortunately, I forgot to put happy bellies on my list. Amazed at the calm with which God filled me, I took my daughter’s declaration of queasiness in stride.

 
Nikelle’s stomach often wreaks havoc with our mornings. The key is to minimize her stress. Immediately, she began to work herself up into a tizzy. Inevitably, if she was sick, her favorite part of this experience would be missed. I assured her that we could be late to school. (After all, now that the usual bus ride was no longer an option, we had to drive her sister to school anyway. “Drive girls to school” was not going to be successfully scratched off my list… at least not on time anyway!)

Recently, some friends and I discussed the chapter No More Perfect Days from Jill Savage’s new book, No More Perfect Moms. I highlighted the words “Ask God for help. Tell Him, ‘Here’s what I planned. Help me to deal graciously with however it really turns out.” It was time for some application of what I had learned.

(On a side note, I couldn’t help but work to fight off the thought that life was a lot simpler with only one child. It’s not a desire to go back to the good old days. It’s simply an observation in light of today’s circumstances.)

 
I nudged my middle child into her class as my youngest insisted on her urgency to use the bathroom. My oldest was now outside the front doors of the school gagging into the plastic grocery bag I had handed her “just in case”. Asking my 7-year-old to show my 4-year-old the bathroom, I attended to my 10-year-old. After making certain she was fine, I checked in on the younger one only to find her demanding my help in the bathroom. I don’t know how many times I ran back and forth down that hallway but I am certainly grateful for the staff at Eisenhower Academy.
 
Once everything calmed down, I helped my oldest set up her display. Assured by the teachers that it was ok to let her stay for the science fair (with the promise that I would return promptly to be certain this was not the stomach flu), I ran across town to drop the youngest off at preschool. I made a quick phone call to cancel my morning plans and took some deep breaths. To-do lists rarely cooperate with me.
 
I don’t find it to be a coincidence that the Bible study homework I had just completed last night applied to my life today. “What decision involving change in your life is God nudging you to make?” I wrote the answer “homemaker” knowing full well that God has been speaking to me on this very topic. It’s more than being a stay-at-home mom or even cleaning house and making meals. I need to make myself more available to my husband and daughters. For me, this simply means a little more consideration for others.
 
Jill Savage writes “Ministry for Jesus was the person standing in front of Him, regardless of whether that interaction was planned or spontaneous.” For the moment, my daughter needed me to do whatever it took to help her present her project. While I had everything worked out to attend my Bible study and take care of necessary errands, plans need to be flexible. “Motherhood is the ministry of availability” and it was time to make sure my child knew she came before my agenda.

Nikelle made it through the school day with no more incidents involving her stomach. She ate her lunch and came home chatting happily about her day. Whether or not she is aware of the sacrifice I made today or will remember years down the road is not even the issue. This was a test of obedience. Of that I am certain. It feels good to say “yes” to God’s calling.

 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 2:3-5
 
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” – Matthew 16:24

 

 

Getting off the Tilt-A-Whirl

Will, me, my dad, Trent & Traci on the Tilt-A-Whirl

My Saturday started with meeting a group of friends for some hill training for next week’s 10K race. I came home to a messy house and children still in their pajamas. (One child was technically “dressed for the day” but that’s because she fell asleep in her clothes last night and we didn’t have the heart to change her into “appropriate sleep attire”.) My husband was playing Star Wars Wii with our middle daughter. The youngest of our three was playing nicely while the oldest poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast at 10:30 in the morning.

The peacefulness of our morning was exemplified by our family pet. Our dog has a way of relaxing completely only when the entire family is at home. She welcomes me at the garage door with the playfulness of a puppy even though her near-14-year-old body can’t keep up with her spirit. In my eyes, this is an ideal Saturday with nothing beckoning on the calendar.  So why is it I’m whispering a prayer to God of “Help me to be content here at home”?

 

Energizer captures the picture of our lives with their bunny that just keeps going and going and going. We are used to running. It appears this is the model for living… to do just a little more… get a little bit further ahead… or someone will get ahead of you. This is a problem. It’s been my obstacle anyway (at least recently).

 

My mind cannot process any thought to fill the pages of this blog. The stress in our home corresponds directly to my anxiety. “When momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” was phrased for a reason. I’ve been gaining weight, relationships feel out-of-whack and quality time with my Lord and Savior has become leftovers rather than first fruits.

 

As a highly competitive human being, I don’t want to be left behind. I am a natural-born leader and I embrace my role. However, I have heard God whispering to me that my life needs to slow down. He created the Sabbath rest for me. It’s a bit sad that life has had to spin like a toy top dizzying my every thought before I’ve taken the time to stop and listen to Him. Thankfully, my God is patient.

 

Why I always think my thoughts are perfect is baffling. I grab hold of the steering wheel of this road trip of life only to realize I’m not that great with directions. It’s amazing what God can do when I allow Him to have the driver’s seat. I need to give up control. It’s a daily battle.

 

There is a giant X marked through my Saturday today for a reason. We are going to live life differently. It’s time to embrace God’s instructions. That’s why I’m whispering prayers for God to renew my thoughts and transform my desires.

 

We cannot continue to think we are infallible when we live life like riding non-stop on a Tilt-A-Whirl. Eventually we will get sick. Today is intentionally crossed out on my calendar. Just as we cannot read the words on a page clearly without margin,our lives need white space.

 

I’m not stuck on a specific day for Sabbath rest. I’m aware of the reality that a time-out in our week is an ideal. Some weeks and months it will get messed up. As far as it relies on me, however, this household is going to live with margin. We will rest. Others may get ahead of us in the process, but I’m keeping my eyes on the goal. I’m trusting my Creator knows best when it comes to my life. The Sabbath is His gift to me. Today I am asking Him to help me embrace it.

 

I don’t know how many times it’s going to take before I learn to the practice of margin in my life consistently. Right now, hide-and-seek, tickle monster and a slow-paced day are playing out around me.  This is the beauty of a Sabbath.

 

How are you intentional to get consistent rest in your life?

 

 

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done." - Genesis 2:2

 

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." - Exodus 20:8-11

My Ideal v. My Reality: A Dare to Love and be Loved

In the past, I built a wall that dared one to cross. History filled with wounds and scars as well as painful injuries that I tried to ignore. My body language warned everyone to keep their distance. Too many fractured relationships left my heart calloused and nearly impenetrable. I was on guard, protecting my soul for the inevitable rejection to come. A tomb of relationships early on in life left me pushing away anyone who dared to express love. Hurt people hurt people, I’ve been told. It was true in my life.

Flashbacks of many goodbyes I have had to say come to mind. Some are less painful than others. All of them shape me. When friends move away… someone cuts you out of their life unexpectedly… or even if death determines the finality of a relationship… it hurts. And in each of those moments, where pain blinds my security, I find myself hesitant to reach out and make any more friends.

My initial reaction with disappointment from people is to protect my heart (and the hearts of my family). I think twice before I give away information about my life. Reluctant to make investments that won’t yield a good return, I hold back. Initially, I want to weigh the risks because no one can promise me the future with friendship.

My ideals simply didn’t match up with my reality. Pining over friendship vows sworn by Anne Shirley and Diana Barry in the beauty of Green Gables, left me unfulfilled. Deep down I knew it was unrealistic to think all childhood friendships could stand the test of time. Still, the movie, Beaches, left me longing for bonds that would stand secure at our death beds. My mind understood that even Rachel, Monica and Phoebe had written scripts that helped them work out their differences as Friends. So, how could I put aside the friendship fantasy and embrace reality instead?

I have learned that one has to be willing to risk pain if they yearn to experience joy. True friendship cannot be found in catering to our wounds and refusing to get back up again. In opening our hearts and sharing our experiences, we find that we are not alone. It is only when we are found trustworthy that we experience that same dependability in our friend. When we put our hearts out there to love others, we find the devotion we long for in return. Camaraderie is understood only by those who are willing to take the risk.

I allow my heart to love more than caution tells me is sensible. And another broken friendship leaves me second guessing my worth in this world. Why should I even care? Often, I find myself just wanting to throw in the towel. What is the point of all the pain when the part of my heart I allowed to love big shatters into pieces again? Is there really any point to all of this loving when it ends in a forced letting go?

“When someone fails you, don’t be stunned. It just confirms what the Bible teaches – that we’re all sinners, that there’s none that is righteous, no not one. While it is important to love and cherish our friends, our dependence should be on God alone – for only He is without sin and only He will never let us down.” – Dee Brestin, The Friendship of Women

These days, I appear an open book, putting my everything out there as a statement of “take me or leave me”. As if it doesn’t matter. It’s a dare to love and be loved.

If I were truly to unveil my soul to you, there would be a window I peak through offering but guarding. I extend myself carefully. This is my calling. I am nothing if I will not risk it all for love. Love for my God. Love for others. Trusting is not natural or even easy. Yet I know to dare is the only way to live. There were arms opened wide on the cross reminding me of a cost so great it forbids me from coddling my own wounded heart. I cannot deny His calling on my life. He gave up everything. When I desire to cling to my life, I look at the way He sacrificed His and I lay mine down. In His love I find security and I wish to give others a glimpse of that, too.

My needs and desires will be filled by my God. My fears and scars are for Him to bandage. My life is to fulfill His mission: Love God with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength and to Love others as myself.

“Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” - Galatians 6:9

 I'm linking up with my friend Darcy Wiley at her blog, Message in a Mason Jar for her Take Heart series. This week we are talking about kinship and community. Be sure to check out the encouragement over there!

Mismatched Perspective

(Today is the Third Thursday of the month. Time for the Hearts at Home Home Blog Hop! This month's topic: No More Perfect Marriages. For more stories to reassure you that no marriage is perfect, head over to Jill's blog.)

Mismatched is the hip fashion trend these days. (I’m certain the use of the word “hip” here shows how very out of touch I am with any current trends, though!) My girls separate socks I have perfectly paired together in an effort to express their personalities. Even shoes can be mismatched and look stylish if you know what you’re doing (at least my 4-year-old is able to pull it off)!

As I put the blue lid on the pink cup and insert a green straw, I can’t help but think of the ensembles my little girls are able to perfect. Attempting to disguise my lack of effort to hunt for a matching lid, I deliver juice to my daughter with a declaration that her cup is “mismatched”. Brown eyes light up with a smile that expresses her awe. I have to admit that I gave myself a good pat on the back.

Isn’t this something you’ve condemned your husband for doing?

Conviction has a way of creeping up on me. This helpful man I married receives a lashing of ungratefulness because my judgment of mismatched cups from his hands equates laziness as opposed to embracing a fad. He tries to tell me that there’s more than one way to get from point A to point B. And deep down, I know my way isn’t the only way but… good luck convincing me that it’s not the best way.

This is our marriage: A world of different perspectives, varying opinions, and alternative ways. Frustration is built from too many expectations. “Expectations kill relationships,” I read in Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I must admit that they have endangered my marriage.

With marriages failing all around me, I’ve pulled out my magnifying glass to examine my own. Under honest scrutiny, I can see myself as the root of the problem. Just the other day, instead of counting gifts, I found myself adding up frustrations.

I’ve told him before that bread doesn’t go in the fridge! I yank the container out. Placing it on the counter, I find myself reflective. My new Lenten practice challenges me to count the gift of a husband who puts away leftovers, allowing me to exercise with friends. This challenges my skewed perspective.

Of course he forgot to relay our daughter’s request the night she asked him to so I could be certain to have her shirt ready! An altered perspective would be realizing it is much easier to point fingers in blame at his mistakes rather than the piles of dirty laundry I’ve been neglecting. Not to mention the fact that he handled bedtime once again as I headed out the door.

The list threatens to grow in length very quickly. Danger is ahead and I am keenly aware. In keeping the frustrations to myself, I give off the appearance of keeping the peace. After all, love covers a multitude of wrongs, right? One of many problems with this is that I wasn’t forgiving and forgetting. I was keeping score for an upcoming war!

My unsuspecting husband’s actions added another offense to my tally in the middle of my thoughts. “I am growing very frustrated with you.” I informed him in a calm tone surprising both of us. “It’s just a bunch of little things but I can feel them building up and I might just explode.”

He looked dumbfounded as he responded, “I’ll be careful to stay out of your way.” Instead of lashing out at his statement, I took it for the unique dry humor it was intended to be. In doing so, I avoided sparking any fires with the choice weapon of my tongue. The volcano never erupted.

Later, my spouse informed me that it is a lot easier to listen to me when he doesn’t need to feel defensive. (Who wouldn’t feel the need to be on guard when they’re being yelled at?) While I excuse it as passion because I care, he shuts off when he perceives my tone as volatile. Maybe there is something to be said for different perspectives?

His late night tendencies give him the energy to deal with our children at bedtime. While my embrace of the morning helps them get off to school on time. Three little girls need a daddy who welcomes silliness. And I need a laid back man who doesn’t complain that I’m far from perfect. For years, I’ve tried to strongly encourage him to live up to my expectations. Slowly, I’m learning that our differences don’t make us a mismatch. The contrasts between us are why God thought we were the perfect team. I may never look at a pair of mismatched socks the same.

Are you able to embrace your marriage as a mismatch made in Heaven?

If you long to be reassured that your life is normal, be sure to purchase up a copy of Jill Savage’s new book, No More Perfect Moms. And don’t forget to sign up for the Hearts at Home National Conference the weekend of March 15-16 in Normal, IL!