We’re supposed to be in a tapering mode with our marathon training. Unfortunately, I feel exhausted and as though we are doing at least the same amount of running, if not more than we did in prior weeks. Our Saturday morning runs are definitely lower as we are only doing 60 minutes this week. During the week, however, my body is not used to this amount of running. The schedule called for 40 minutes Monday, 40 minutes Tuesday and 45 minutes yesterday. Previously, I remember doing about 20 or 30 minutes on Monday, Cross Training on Tuesday and group training on Wednesday. Writing it down makes it seems the same, it just felt like we used to do less.
There are only 10 more days until the marathon – if I count today. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll fall into a depression after October 7th. With all this training and such a big goal completed, where will all my energy be directed? Maybe I’ll finally get something done around my house. I really don’t want to quit exercising entirely, though. Part of the reason it seemed like a good idea to train for this marathon was that it would get me into an exercise routine that I would be able to stick with in the future. Even so, completing the marathon really could play havoc with my emotions because it will bring such a change in my schedule. Thankfully, there is Jaycie’s birthday and the holidays quickly approaching and that should keep my mind distracted.
It seems so surreal that we are coming upon marathon day. I never thought I’d get to this point and now it’s so close that I’m a little scared. What if I don’t have the energy to complete the 26.2 miles? What if I get injured? What if this new shirt we’re supposed to wear for Team in Training causes my arms to chafe? What if the food I eat the night before is too different than my body is used to? What if it’s a morning that I feel the need to use the bathroom continually during the run? What if I can’t sleep the night before at the hotel? There are all kinds of silly thoughts that come to my mind. No matter how silly, though, they are all things that I’m concerned about.
To be honest, my biggest concern is probably just with the emotion of the day. There will be a lot surrounding it. Everyone talks about the energy involved in such an event. My thoughts continue to be with my dad. And tomorrow, Rod’s dad goes to meet with his doctors. We’re praying that his numbers will remain the same and that everything is ok with him. Emotionally, I can’t handle having both dads in the hospital. My father-in-law fell the other day by tripping over a suitcase and banged himself up pretty well. He also was up on the roof messing with the chimney last week and he admits that he wore himself out. Last night, he seemed fairly weak and Rod commented that he thought he looked a bit pale, as well. Cancer is a terrible disease and I’m scared that my girls could lose both of their grandpas.
Fear is a terrible thing if we allow it to grab hold of us. It can be consuming. So I try to find my comfort in God. He knows what is going on and knows exactly what each one of us needs.
Matthew 6:8 “…for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”
Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Wasted Energy
There are many times that I get myself all worked up and stressed out about something that results in just a bunch of wasted energy. For example, last night, we had our first small group.
We have a group meeting in our home to discuss the One-Year-Bible. Our Pastor has encouraged us as a church to read the One-Year-Bible together to get all of us into our Bibles a little more. Rod has wanted to lead a small group for sometime now so it works out for us to lead a group on this subject.
I’ve been stressing out about having people in our home regularly again. We love to host. We love to meet new people. It’s keeping the house clean that always creates stress. I feel like that is where my focus had to be the past two days because I’ve really let the house go with everything else that is going on. However, I was able to get the house in a condition I was comfortable with and still get my running in for the day.
Exhaustion has also described my life recently. When the girls go to bed, I often fall asleep on the sofa. I felt that feeling settling in, as it was time for everyone to arrive. As the couples starting walking in the door, I felt my energy start to perk up a bit and I was as talkative as always during the conversation. People ended up staying an hour after our official small group ended just to get to know one another better.
I am glad Rod was so adamant about hosting a small group. It helps take my eyes off myself for a minute and remember what we are on this earth for. And despite my lack of time, it is always good to meet new people. The day I learn to remember all of this and take it in stride rather than waste my energy stressing about it will be a day of maturity, indeed.
We have a group meeting in our home to discuss the One-Year-Bible. Our Pastor has encouraged us as a church to read the One-Year-Bible together to get all of us into our Bibles a little more. Rod has wanted to lead a small group for sometime now so it works out for us to lead a group on this subject.
I’ve been stressing out about having people in our home regularly again. We love to host. We love to meet new people. It’s keeping the house clean that always creates stress. I feel like that is where my focus had to be the past two days because I’ve really let the house go with everything else that is going on. However, I was able to get the house in a condition I was comfortable with and still get my running in for the day.
Exhaustion has also described my life recently. When the girls go to bed, I often fall asleep on the sofa. I felt that feeling settling in, as it was time for everyone to arrive. As the couples starting walking in the door, I felt my energy start to perk up a bit and I was as talkative as always during the conversation. People ended up staying an hour after our official small group ended just to get to know one another better.
I am glad Rod was so adamant about hosting a small group. It helps take my eyes off myself for a minute and remember what we are on this earth for. And despite my lack of time, it is always good to meet new people. The day I learn to remember all of this and take it in stride rather than waste my energy stressing about it will be a day of maturity, indeed.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Tears with Peace
This past week was an exhausting one. Although I seem overwhelmed with the to-do list that I have in my head, I think the biggest thing stealing my energy is simply the situation with Dad.
On Friday morning, my sister, Traci, called and informed me she was going to visit Dad. We left all the kids with Sabrina and went to the hospital. I’m grateful she called and asked me to go with her. It was a good visit and we were able to have some good conversations. There was a large shock factor as I entered the room and saw my dad laying in the bed: skinny, weak and with oxygen in his nostrils. He cannot even get out of bed other than when Mom helps him just to use the commode next to his bed. That shows he is fighting. Most people would just have to have a catheter put in. I still wasn't prepared to see my dad this way.
As I drove to pick Fiona up for our run early Saturday morning, the radio played songs from the viewpoint of someone in heaven. It was hard to listen to and comforting at the same time. I just cried for my dad. No one should have to go through what he is going through.
During our run, I was sharing my Kleenex with Fiona (the unused ones). We were talking about her daughter’s 1st birthday party and how mom and dad wouldn't be there. It also brought conversation about how they’ll likely miss Jaycie’s 2nd in a few weeks. Not to mention that we will be running this marathon without Dad at the finish line for us - our motivation is in a hospital bed -- in the ICU. There’s a lot of emotion surrounding the situation. At the same time, we don't forget that there is much to be thankful for.
Later on that day, Rod and I stopped to visit Dad again on our way into Chicago to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. We also brought him Dreamsicles because he was craving them. He fed himself the Dreamsicles which was good to see. He just hasn't been eating and doctors are encouraging calories of any kind. The visit was good for Mom because she was able to visit with Jaycie and Nike in the waiting room while Rod and I visited with Dad. Our visit with Dad, unfortunately, was not quite as uplifting.
Dad seemed even weaker than the day before and today, he was just downright discouraged. He’s been fighting a resistant staff infection on top of everything else. In our conversations, he continues to inform us that he just cannot focus. His days and hours are all jumbled in his mind and he just wants to get out of that bed. It's extremely discouraging for him that he cannot walk and do more for himself. This is the first time he has not recovered quickly from everything. When this whole battle started in February, he continued to beat one thing after another and really never had to be down for an extended period of time. Now, he can’t even really focus on beating the cancer until he beats this infection. He is weak and in pain. He has a terrible rash on his back and his body is full of fluid. Today, they are talking about bringing in some physical therapists to try to help him get on his feet again. This is what he really wants so I’m certain he’ll do whatever he possibly can -- even if that means using a walker.
Once again, I couldn’t really control the tears as I left the hospital on Saturday. I lost it before I even left the room -- telling Dad that I love him and I just want him home with us. Later, I told Rod that I’m not really sure why I’m even asking him to fight. Who would want to stay here in this world when we know the other option is heaven? My heart hurts for my dad. I know he is fighting for us. I’m grateful but hurting that he’s in so much pain and confusion.
God still provides me with peace as I pray about the situation. It may be peace that He will heal dad or it may just be peace that he will take care of us. Either way, there is peace in my soul when I pray.
On Friday morning, my sister, Traci, called and informed me she was going to visit Dad. We left all the kids with Sabrina and went to the hospital. I’m grateful she called and asked me to go with her. It was a good visit and we were able to have some good conversations. There was a large shock factor as I entered the room and saw my dad laying in the bed: skinny, weak and with oxygen in his nostrils. He cannot even get out of bed other than when Mom helps him just to use the commode next to his bed. That shows he is fighting. Most people would just have to have a catheter put in. I still wasn't prepared to see my dad this way.
As I drove to pick Fiona up for our run early Saturday morning, the radio played songs from the viewpoint of someone in heaven. It was hard to listen to and comforting at the same time. I just cried for my dad. No one should have to go through what he is going through.
During our run, I was sharing my Kleenex with Fiona (the unused ones). We were talking about her daughter’s 1st birthday party and how mom and dad wouldn't be there. It also brought conversation about how they’ll likely miss Jaycie’s 2nd in a few weeks. Not to mention that we will be running this marathon without Dad at the finish line for us - our motivation is in a hospital bed -- in the ICU. There’s a lot of emotion surrounding the situation. At the same time, we don't forget that there is much to be thankful for.
Later on that day, Rod and I stopped to visit Dad again on our way into Chicago to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. We also brought him Dreamsicles because he was craving them. He fed himself the Dreamsicles which was good to see. He just hasn't been eating and doctors are encouraging calories of any kind. The visit was good for Mom because she was able to visit with Jaycie and Nike in the waiting room while Rod and I visited with Dad. Our visit with Dad, unfortunately, was not quite as uplifting.
Dad seemed even weaker than the day before and today, he was just downright discouraged. He’s been fighting a resistant staff infection on top of everything else. In our conversations, he continues to inform us that he just cannot focus. His days and hours are all jumbled in his mind and he just wants to get out of that bed. It's extremely discouraging for him that he cannot walk and do more for himself. This is the first time he has not recovered quickly from everything. When this whole battle started in February, he continued to beat one thing after another and really never had to be down for an extended period of time. Now, he can’t even really focus on beating the cancer until he beats this infection. He is weak and in pain. He has a terrible rash on his back and his body is full of fluid. Today, they are talking about bringing in some physical therapists to try to help him get on his feet again. This is what he really wants so I’m certain he’ll do whatever he possibly can -- even if that means using a walker.
Once again, I couldn’t really control the tears as I left the hospital on Saturday. I lost it before I even left the room -- telling Dad that I love him and I just want him home with us. Later, I told Rod that I’m not really sure why I’m even asking him to fight. Who would want to stay here in this world when we know the other option is heaven? My heart hurts for my dad. I know he is fighting for us. I’m grateful but hurting that he’s in so much pain and confusion.
God still provides me with peace as I pray about the situation. It may be peace that He will heal dad or it may just be peace that he will take care of us. Either way, there is peace in my soul when I pray.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Matthew 6:33-34
Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Every time the phone rings I find myself holding my breath. One day there is good news to report on Dad’s condition. The next day I find myself fighting off tears all day long from the news of the latest battles he has to fight.
Today is one of those days to fight off tears. Mom called first thing this morning to inform me of the infection my dad came down with in the middle of the night. Hearing her voice shake on the phone as she attempts not to cry is always difficult to listen to. I proceeded to call my maternal grandparents, at her request, and inform them of the situation. My instructions were to inform them of the changes in Dad’s condition but at the same time help them realize they need not worry. If she were to call, they would hear the emotion in her voice and want to rush in to visit. My grandpa, especially, feels the need to worry. He’s 80+ years old and shouldn’t have to see his daughter and son-in-law go through this kind of thing. I think his worry is a bit justified.
The appeals for property taxes are due on Monday. My parents’ property is currently under appeal with the State for last year’s tax assessment. Now, they need to appeal again with the County for this year's taxes. This time, while my dad is in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for his life. My mom has put hours and hours into fighting this outrageous assessment. How do we fight for her and not undo everything she’s worked so hard for? Overwhelmed does not even begin to describe the way I feel with this burden.
I spent this past Monday evening gardening. I went to my parents’ and harvested sweet corn and squash. The sweet corn had to be husked, boiled, cut off the cob and frozen. The squash just had to wait. I was only up until midnight with just two buckets of corn. I never mind enjoying the benefits of my parents’ labor but at times like this, I wonder if it’s just better to buy the vegetables at the supermarket. I do know that this is what Dad desires right now and it enables Mom to stay at the hospital with him. I just have to suck it up that I haven’t been to see my dad in quite a while. This is what they need right now.
Then there’s the mowing at their house; making sure the pumpkins and gourds aren’t rotting inside their house; harvesting the rest of the pumpkins, gourds, squash, corn and anything else that might be remaining in the garden before it rots.
There’s my own house; dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.; training for the marathon; watching what I eat; my marriage; being a mom.
I realize, that today is one day. That’s all I need to get through. Tomorrow can be dealt with when tomorrow comes. And the future will wait.
Any advice for raising my girls in the midst of all this? It seems as though I am yelling all the time. The girls seem to be fighting all day long and I don't even know how to go about stopping the whining. It's endless and I'm tired. I feel like I’m failing – BIG TIME.
Every time the phone rings I find myself holding my breath. One day there is good news to report on Dad’s condition. The next day I find myself fighting off tears all day long from the news of the latest battles he has to fight.
Today is one of those days to fight off tears. Mom called first thing this morning to inform me of the infection my dad came down with in the middle of the night. Hearing her voice shake on the phone as she attempts not to cry is always difficult to listen to. I proceeded to call my maternal grandparents, at her request, and inform them of the situation. My instructions were to inform them of the changes in Dad’s condition but at the same time help them realize they need not worry. If she were to call, they would hear the emotion in her voice and want to rush in to visit. My grandpa, especially, feels the need to worry. He’s 80+ years old and shouldn’t have to see his daughter and son-in-law go through this kind of thing. I think his worry is a bit justified.
The appeals for property taxes are due on Monday. My parents’ property is currently under appeal with the State for last year’s tax assessment. Now, they need to appeal again with the County for this year's taxes. This time, while my dad is in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for his life. My mom has put hours and hours into fighting this outrageous assessment. How do we fight for her and not undo everything she’s worked so hard for? Overwhelmed does not even begin to describe the way I feel with this burden.
I spent this past Monday evening gardening. I went to my parents’ and harvested sweet corn and squash. The sweet corn had to be husked, boiled, cut off the cob and frozen. The squash just had to wait. I was only up until midnight with just two buckets of corn. I never mind enjoying the benefits of my parents’ labor but at times like this, I wonder if it’s just better to buy the vegetables at the supermarket. I do know that this is what Dad desires right now and it enables Mom to stay at the hospital with him. I just have to suck it up that I haven’t been to see my dad in quite a while. This is what they need right now.
Then there’s the mowing at their house; making sure the pumpkins and gourds aren’t rotting inside their house; harvesting the rest of the pumpkins, gourds, squash, corn and anything else that might be remaining in the garden before it rots.
There’s my own house; dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.; training for the marathon; watching what I eat; my marriage; being a mom.
I realize, that today is one day. That’s all I need to get through. Tomorrow can be dealt with when tomorrow comes. And the future will wait.
Any advice for raising my girls in the midst of all this? It seems as though I am yelling all the time. The girls seem to be fighting all day long and I don't even know how to go about stopping the whining. It's endless and I'm tired. I feel like I’m failing – BIG TIME.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The 20-Miler
Yesterday was my longest run yet – 20-miles. I left my house at about 4:45 a.m. and didn’t return home until 10 hours later. The run was along the lakefront in the City of Chicago so we had to factor in the commute. It took me just minutes over 4 hours to complete the 20 miles. My knees are sore but otherwise, I’m feeling good. There are only 3 more weeks until the marathon and we are now tapering down for the event!
I am reminded of how I really do enjoy the runner’s high that comes after a good run! It is absolutely beautiful to run along the lakefront and we had absolutely gorgeous weather! Our muscles were not really wanting to cooperate in the beginning due to the cold. However, once that sun started to shine, it was the perfect running day! We started our run around 7:00 a.m. at Wilson Avenue and did our 6:2 interval all the way out to a half mile past The McCormick Place. At that point, we turned around and completed our run back at the start which became our finish line. Our coaches and the staff of Team in Training had pictures of some patient honorees at the finish line. It really does change a person's mentality when training for an event like this when there is a cause behind it. Those 4 hours went by with only one moment that I found myself telling Fiona we needed to find something to talk about because my body didn't want to keep up.
Just as we were leaving the City, I called home to check on things. Rod informed me that my mom had called to say Dad was out of surgery about 10 minutes prior. He had tubes put into his chest to drain the fluid from around his heart. Doctors have expressed concerned about this fluid since he’s been admitted. (They have already drained it once since he's been there). To prevent any future concerns with the fluid around his heart, they placed a hole in the sac around his heart. Supposedly, this sac where the fluid continues to accumulate is like your appendix. God did give it to us for some reason but doctors aren’t exactly sure why and they do know we can live without it.
The last report I had around 8:00 p.m. last night was that the hospital was managing his pain and he was doing what he could to stay hydrated. To my knowledge, the Ommaya Reservoir will not be put into his head afterall. Instead, chemotherapy will be administered into his spinal fluid directly. He is much more at ease with this decision. In my opinion, as long as he wants to fight and they don't see a huge difference in the outcome, let the man fight. I’m grateful he wants to fight. His doctor told him he believes either process will attain the same goal.
The pain in my knees is like a pinch of your skin. It is so minor compared to what my dad is going through. I am continuing with my challenge as he continues to fight his.
I am reminded of how I really do enjoy the runner’s high that comes after a good run! It is absolutely beautiful to run along the lakefront and we had absolutely gorgeous weather! Our muscles were not really wanting to cooperate in the beginning due to the cold. However, once that sun started to shine, it was the perfect running day! We started our run around 7:00 a.m. at Wilson Avenue and did our 6:2 interval all the way out to a half mile past The McCormick Place. At that point, we turned around and completed our run back at the start which became our finish line. Our coaches and the staff of Team in Training had pictures of some patient honorees at the finish line. It really does change a person's mentality when training for an event like this when there is a cause behind it. Those 4 hours went by with only one moment that I found myself telling Fiona we needed to find something to talk about because my body didn't want to keep up.
Just as we were leaving the City, I called home to check on things. Rod informed me that my mom had called to say Dad was out of surgery about 10 minutes prior. He had tubes put into his chest to drain the fluid from around his heart. Doctors have expressed concerned about this fluid since he’s been admitted. (They have already drained it once since he's been there). To prevent any future concerns with the fluid around his heart, they placed a hole in the sac around his heart. Supposedly, this sac where the fluid continues to accumulate is like your appendix. God did give it to us for some reason but doctors aren’t exactly sure why and they do know we can live without it.
The last report I had around 8:00 p.m. last night was that the hospital was managing his pain and he was doing what he could to stay hydrated. To my knowledge, the Ommaya Reservoir will not be put into his head afterall. Instead, chemotherapy will be administered into his spinal fluid directly. He is much more at ease with this decision. In my opinion, as long as he wants to fight and they don't see a huge difference in the outcome, let the man fight. I’m grateful he wants to fight. His doctor told him he believes either process will attain the same goal.
The pain in my knees is like a pinch of your skin. It is so minor compared to what my dad is going through. I am continuing with my challenge as he continues to fight his.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)