Decluttering

For the past year, I've pretty much let the house go. I have clutter everywhere. Generally, I pride myself in being pretty organized. Recently, I find myself overwhelmed and unable to feel a sense of accomplishment with anything I do. This is what I've been attempting to work on lately. Still, there is always something requiring my time that keeps me from cleaning up the stacks.

This past weekend we didn't have the kids but I was hosting Easter. With that behind us, now would seem like an ideal time to get rid of some of the clutter. This week, however, I'm attempting to get on board the potty training wagon. It would be good if Jaycie was fully potty trained by the time this third child joins the family.

Just one more reason why blogging is not taking a priority in my life. It's time to unclutter my house, my mind and my heart. I realize this will be a long process. And yet, I know it will be well worth it in the end.

Losing my mind

I've been losing my mind for quite some time now. Numerous actions continue to confirm this.

The other day I stood with the refrigerator door open. I was just staring, attempting to figure out what I opened the door for. That's when I remembered... I needed pot holders! I closed the door to the fridge and opened the cabinet just shaking my head.

I do these types of things more and more all the time. Can I just blame it on the fact that I'm preparing for a third child?

Internal Struggles

One of my internal struggles lately has been with facing the fact that my father-in-law is battling cancer. I am having a difficult time sorting out my emotions with all of this. Although this is not new information, it seems as though his condition has changed.

Dad Carlson has been undergoing kidney dialyisis treatments for at least a month now. His entire diet is altered and he is no longer working. He had a lump the size of a small orange removed from under his armpit during the end of February. The concern is as to whether his chronic (slow-growing) leukemia has now become accute.

We don't have answers from anyone right now. It's frustrating to Rod and I. We don't understand why test results take so long. He had a bone marrow test before the dialysis even began and we have yet to hear those results exactly. We believe he is meeting with doctors tomorrow to hear some results from some tests but don't know much. It is all very unsettling.

The most disturbing part of all of this for me that I identified today is that I don't know how to pray. Do I pray for God to heal him? It seems obvious that I should. My heart is so confused. I KNOW God works miracles and that includes that he can heal my father-in-law. Still, I am hesitant to pray for my desires. Maybe I just don't want to be let down again.

At this point, I'm telling God that I don't know what I should pray. I want to pray for his physical healing. I want to pray for eternal peace and security. I want to pray for so many aspects. Yet prayer has become a struggle for me. I'm seeking to know God more and remember how constant He remains even as we face the hard times.

"For I am the LORD, I change not" - Malachi 3:6

A sheltered life altered

My children are healthy. I have a husband who loves me. All 4 of my grandparents were a part of my life for 29 years. (My paternal grandpa died in January 2007.) All of my siblings and cousins are alive and well. My life has gone pretty much as hoped and expected. No big problems or tragedies.

When people would ask the question "Why us?" as Dad battled through the cancer, Dad would respond with "Why not us?" He knew how sheltered our lives had been and how no one can expect to be exempt from this kind of pain.

I have not had to face anything like this before. Cancer was always a distant word. Death never stared me in the eyes like it has this past year. I think that may be why Dad's death is extra difficult for me to cope with. Fear grips me. If Dad could get cancer and die before his 56th birthday, what does that say about the future? What other unkowns are there that I will have to face?

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

????

I find my thoughts to be all jumbled these days. I can't sort them out. Thinking straight is something I've practically given up on. Everything I should be doing swirls through my mind. I think about people I'd like to get in touch with or hang out with. I think about life and how permanently altered it is without my dad. I attempt to stuff my feelings because I don't know how to sort them out. At the same time, I know I need to feel. If I don't allow myself to feel, I won't be allowing God to penetrate my heart.

I remember saying numerous times throughout Dad's battle with cancer that we needed to come out of it changed. So, I wonder. What is it God wants to do in me? What is it God wants to say? Am I willing to listen? Are the words that exit my mouth matching what is going on inside my heart?

I don't want my heart to grow cold. I don't want to become hard-hearted. I'm not sure what life holds as each day I face this lingering reality that Dad will no longer be a part of future memories.

Nike plays a home video wherein I see Dad or hear his voice in the background. It creates all kinds of emotions in my heart.

I've been tickling Jaycie's arm pits and asking her the question, "What's this?" She had yet to respond with the answer I've given her until today...even without posing the question. "Papa's tickle spots," she said. "That's right," I smiled slightly.

The conversation continues and I tell Jaycie "Papa loved you a lot". While I attempt to asorb her response "No, Papa. Heaven with Jesus." Deep in my heart, I know it's important to keep his memory alive.