Comfort in Song

The picture is of Dad, Nike & myself at the Reindeer Run in December 2006

A friend of mine gave me a song when my dad was dying of cancer. It comforted her during her dad's own battle and she thought I may find comfort in it as well. Other than the part about where he asked his girl to marry him and where the babies came to life, this dad reminds me in a huge way of my dad. I miss my dad and I find comfort in the fact that as he was leaving this world he may have missed us. Most of all, I cling to the fact that when he laid down to die, he laid down to live.



LAY ME DOWN by ANDREW PETERSON

I suppose you could lay me down to die in Illinois
Bury me beneath the rows of corn
Or in-between the maple trees I climbed on as a boy
Where in the Land of Lincoln I was born

Oh, and I recall
We rode the combines in the fall
And there comes a time
For gathering the harvest after all

So when you lay me down to die
I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die
You lay me down to live

Well I asked a girl to marry me on a dock out on the lake
Our babies came to life in Tennessee
And the music of the mountains is still keeping me awake
Yeah, but everything that rises falls asleep

We are not alone
We are more than flesh and bone
What is seen will pass away
What is not is going home

When you lay me down to die
I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die

I’ll open up my eyes on the skies I’ve never known
In the place where I belong
And I’ll realize His love is just another word for Home

I believe in the holy shores of uncreated light
I believe there is power in the blood
And all of the death that ever was,
If you set it next to life
I believe it would barely fill a cup
‘Cause I believe there’s power in the blood

When you lay me down to die
So long, boys, so long, girls
Lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world
You can lay me anywhere
But just remember this
When you lay me down to die
You lay me down to live

All or Nothing

My "all or nothing" mentality, I've decided, is one of the reasons I am not currently in a healthy place in my life. One needs to eat healthy and exercise regularly in order to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle, correct?

When I trained for the marathon in 2007, I injured my foot early on going down the basement stairs. I believe that injury lead to an injury in my leg and both injuries are nagging to say the least. I went to physical therapy this fall and they gave me exercises to do in order to help. Par for the course, I twisted my foot, again, while in therapy. This time, unpacking from a camping trip. (Maybe I need to start watching where I walk.) Still, I know if I regularly do the exercises given to me by the therapists and continue with an exercise routine, the injuries don't flare too much.

Any exercising I've done since November has been sporatic to say the least. Needless to say, my foot and leg have that continuous nagging pain again. I'm making the choice not to work exercise into my life right now. The stretching involved prior to a run as well as after do not fit in with life's current demands.

All of this lead to my choice that I may as well eat whatever I want, too. If I can't exercise, according to what I've heard, I'm not going to maintain a healthy lifestyle anyway, so why not slack on the other requirement as well? I know this probably doesn't make sense to most but in my warped mentality, it is a completely rational thought.

For the past two weeks I have been attempting to implement healthy eating back into my lifestyle. (Exercise is still on hold.) I have eaten for nutrition, journaled, included five fruits and/or vegetables in my daily diet and kept within my Weight Watchers points target. Eating for nutrition rather than emotion is a huge step for me. There have been moments I have wanted to eat emotionally. For four consecutive days, however, I have fed those emotions in different ways.

When I feel the desire to eat and know it is not from hunger, I have a choice to make. I have made the choice recently to work through those emotions by writing, talking, organizing, or even napping. Making better choices than stuffing my emotions (or my mouth) have given me results (small - but results nonetheless).

This is certainly a path I plan to continue on. I also plan to work exercise back in. This will require overcoming some mental blocks as well. These lifestyle changes are going to take some time. Hopefully, they will be just that, though - for life.

Gripped by Fear

Recently, I identified that I'm living in fear. I didn't really think this was an emotion I struggled with much. Now I realize that fear was never really a part of my life simply because my life was fairly sheltered. Coming to the realization that I need to trust more in God should have prepared me for the moment that gripped my heart with fear I had never felt before.

Every day last year, I met Nikelle at the bus stop. The main reason being that the buses will not drop off a first grader without an adult there to meet them. The other reason was that it just never crossed my mind to do otherwise at her age. One day this year, for some reason (maybe the bus was early or I was late getting out there), when I went to open the garage door to go meet Nikelle, the door was already opening. I looked up with surpsie to see Nikelle letting herself in the house with the garage code. Most days, now, I watch for Nikelle from the window and make sure she gets from the bus to our home safely.

The other day I was watching and realized the bus was running late. My first action when this occurs is to contact my girlfriend whose daughter is the stop before Nikelle's. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. "Hey, Mary. Is Val home yet?" I fully anticipated a conversation while we waited for the girls to arrive home. My heart stopped as she responded, "Yes... and she's been home for quite some time." I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Are you kidding me?" I just thought I should clarify that I wasn't on the other end of some teasing. "I wouldn't kid about something like that, Tristi."

Fear seized my heart. I didn't know what to do. I threw up a prayer for God to get my daughter home safely. I called my husband only to let him know Nikelle was late getting home from school and I was concerned. Then it was time for me to contact the school. Was I distracted and didn't see the bus come? What if I missed her being dropped off and someone grabbed her? Where in the world was my little girl?

While I was on the phone with the school, Mary called me back with information she had gained for her daughter. "Val said that the bus driver was missing a lot of stops today. She was having to back track and drop kids off." That removed a bit of the fear but as the minutes kept ticking away...

I went inside and put the girls in the van. I'm not really certain as to where I planned on driving, but in that moment of putting the little ones in the van and pulling out onto the driveway, the bus dropped my daughter off at the corner. I pulled out of the garage and saw her walking down the street. I left the van on the driveway and ran down to her. Needless to say, my fear and relief poured out from my eyes as I told her I was so happy she was home.

I asked Nikelle a bit later if she was worried. "Well, at least I had Paige (her other friend). We were like, 'We don't want to stay on this bus forever. All we have is a cheese stick and some pears'. Why did she have to go take that kid home first?"

Ah, that's my girl... mind goes straight to the food.

I'm so glad I don't rely on bus drivers alone to get my daugther to and from school safely. Thankfully, ultimately, I rely on our God.

Triggered

I am very aware today that putting my kids to bed (either for naptime or bedtime) is a trigger for me to eat. It was my assumption all morning that I would have to shovel the driveway during their naps but when I looked out the window I noticed that God took care of that for me with the wonderful sunshine melting it away. That left me with a decision as to what I would do during the kids' naps.

I could get on the treadmill. My mind made enough excuses to eliminate that possibility quickly. What if Jaycie coughs so bad she throws up again? My foot and leg really hurt. It would require quite a bit of stretching prior to running. If I need to stretch, I need to clean up toys in the basement so that I can do it comfortably... I'll pass.

I could lay down and take a nap. I can't lay down upstairs because I hear every noise the kids make (and boy is that baby a chatter box). Laying down on the sofa is a trigger to eat. Better not do that.

I remember that laundry is in the washer and dryer. Step one: Take care of that. While doing the laundry I notice the potty chairs I brought in from the garage. Step two: Bleach those so I can have them out for Andelise. (My mom decided to let Andelise use the potty chair while she had the kids overnight the other weekend and now the girls are pestering me to get her potty trained. I certainly do not have plans of making it a priority but if the girls want to take Ande into the bathroom with them when they go and give her the opportunity to use the potty chair... more power to them.) Bleaching the potty chairs reminded me that we have friends coming over tonight. Step three: Bleach the bathroom. Now I'm faced with putting the laundry away... but I want a break.

Why is it that every time I get a moment to myself, I want to eat? Food and relaxation must go hand in hand in my brain. In order to break a bad habit, I need to replace it with something else. That's why I'm blogging right now. Hopefully, if I put my mind into something else, I can change the path I'm taking.

I'm feeling much better about this choice. Maybe I'll remember the way I feel about my choice right now when I'm faced with the moment again in the future.

Someone please inform my children...

Today has not gone at all as planned. No wonder I find myself wanting to calm my emotions by eating. I know I cannot continue to use excuses and eat junk. That will only take me further down a path I do not want to be on.

I was hoping to get up early to exercise but that ended when the first child woke before sun rise. Ande was up from 2-3 in the morning. Jaycie was up asking for water at 4 and Nike needs to be up to get ready for school no later than 6:30.

I thought I would simply change my plans and exercise during nap time but when I saw the driveway, I knew that shoveling would be my exercise for the day. So, when I thought the kids were down for naps, I went out to clear the driveway (that snow was heavy!).

Upon finishing the driveway, I came in to Jaycie greeting me with tears in her eyes and hearing the baby screaming in her crib. Jaycie has developed a cough again which caused her to throw up in her bed. I have no idea if Ande ever napped or if she just screamed the entire time I was out shoveling. My guess is that she just screamed because she is cutting another tooth (not to mention a bit strong willed).

I held Ande for a bit and put her back in her crib hoping she would nap. I got Jaycie's sheets in the washer and came upstairs only to find the dog had thrown up on the floor! (Thankfully it was the kitchen floor which is so much easier to clean up than the carpet.) Par for the course, Ande did not go back to sleep so I went to see if I could rock her to sleep because the day would only continue to turn into a nightmare if the child goes without a nap. That was very unsuccessful so I gave in and came downstairs. Jaycie was asking for candy and wanted to play on the computer. Due to her incessant whining, she lost both of those privileges earlier in the day for the entire day! (I'm beginning to think punishing the child is more punishment on myself.)

I was hoping to get a shower in after I shoveled the driveway but someone forgot to inform my children of my plans.

The house seems to be a bit more calm at the moment. (I hope it is not the eye of the storm.) I think I will inform my children of tomorrow's plans tonight at bedtime. Too bad information does not always lead to cooperation.