Advice from someone who blinked

If I Could Be a Young Mom Again
- Mary May Larmoyeux

As I peeked in on our sleeping 2-year-old grandson recently, I thought, You look just like your daddy did!

It seems like yesterday when our grown son was the toddler; I was the young mom checking on him during a mid-day nap.

Sometimes I wonder, What would I do differently if I could somehow be that young mother again ... knowing what has taken me decades to learn?

Well, I think I would slow down the pace of life and not be so involved in outside activities. I would organize more family nights where we just hung out together without any agenda. I would play a few more games and sit on the deck more often as a family, watching shooting stars or fireflies light the night sky. And I'd ask more questions because I'd realize that sin is the natural bent for a child until he knows Jesus personally.

I asked some other grandmothers what they would do differently if they could somehow turn back the hands of time and be a young mother again. Here's what they said:

I’d have spent more guilt-free time with my kids lying in the grass picking out cloud animals, playing board games on rainy days, or making a mess creating some work of art in the kitchen. Those are the times I remember, not how clean the bathtub was.

I would connect my children more closely to their grandparents. Looking back, I wish I had made it a greater priority to make the trek “over the highway and through the freeway to grandmother's house.” Grandparents can expand a child's view of the world so much “grander” than a parent, just by their life experiences.

I wish I had taught my children more about their heritage ... to help them see that who they have become is partially a result of what has gone before them. There is so much more to know than where relatives came from. What was it like to live in a particular country or neighborhood or home? I think, had I studied my parents more, I would have been better able to teach my kids about them. For instance, it was just before my dad died that I learned he loved to sing as a young boy/man and was in an a cappella choir throughout his school years. It gave me a new insight to him as an elderly man who was always humming or listening to music. There is so much more depth to my parents that will be lost forever because I failed to prospect for the value of the experience.

I would stop and read to/with them a lot more often and would enjoy simple times, like tending a garden, rather than resenting the request as an intrusion in the list of things I needed to get done.

I would share the love of the Lord and not just the rules of good behavior. I think I often confused compliance with understanding.

I wish that I had relaxed and enjoyed my little children more instead of trying to make everything “perfect” for them . . . the years go so fast!

I would pray more purposefully for the development of their character and their comprehension of the Lord, not just for the Lord's hand in crisis situations.

I'd invest more time in learning how to be a better steward of my time and money so I could teach my children to be better stewards.

I'd spend more time reading the Bible and praying. As a young mom, I sometimes got too busy with my housework and family and met with God at the end of the day when I was too tired to concentrate.

I would have more one-on-one times with the kids—taking short trips around our city and state, just making special memories.

I would include them in volunteering around our city and let them know about all the things we can do to help others. I would also ask them to join me in making and delivering food and crafts to shut-ins, the sick, and those less fortunate than we were.

I would give myself permission to not use the same approach with each child. I thought that using the same approach was being fair and not showing favoritism. However, I’ve learned that each child is unique and that they mature at different ages. So, the rules for one may not necessarily be the rules for another (for example the age to start dating, driving, the setting of curfew times, etc.). The “rules” need to be adaptable according to each child’s maturity and willingness to accept responsibility.

I'd be patient and make pleasant memories with my children so they wouldn't remember all the times I was in a hurry, or mad, or unhappy and discontent. Instead they'd remember a mom who was patient, kind, and loving with them.

During the teen years I was dealing with disrespect or being ignored, and I allowed that to stifle me. I wish I had gone into their rooms then at bedtime and told them how much I loved them, asked how I could pray, and hugged them.

I would have more humor in my home. Humor is like flour in a recipe and it brings it all together.

God sure teaches mothers a lot as they raise their children!

While it's impossible for any grandmother to go back in time and raise her now grown children again, young moms, you are raising your children right now.

So, as one grandmother suggested, "Run and play with your kids. Be a child again. Your dirty house will be there tomorrow, but the children will soon be gone."

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
—Proverbs 19:20 (NIV)

*Many thanks to Arlene, Betty, Carole, Judi, Judy, Karen, Kathy F., Kathy H, Linda, Margo, Mary D., Mary S., Mary T., Rita, Toni

Mary May Larmoyeux is a writer and editor for FamilyLife. She is the author of My Heart’s at Home: Encouragement for Working Moms, co-author of There’s No Place Like Home: Steps to Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom, and co-author of the Resurrection Eggs® Activity Book.

FamilyLife Moments with You

I receive an e-mail from FamilyLife entitled Moments with You. They are very encouraging e-mails. As I was clearing out my inbox, I came across this one that I felt was to good not to share!

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” (Genesis 2:23 NIV)

I’m telling you—men just have it easier. Here are some examples someone sent me. When you’re a man . . .
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• You can never be pregnant.
• Wrinkles add character.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• You’ve got one mood all the time. Usually.
• Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Usually.
• If someone forgets to invite you somewhere, he can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95—for a three-pack!
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes—one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife

See what I mean? So the next time your wife seems too complicated for you, be patient with her. You didn’t marry a man. You married her because she is different.
Realize that her life comes with a lot of stuff you don’t have to put up with. Take the time to genuinely listen and understand because God created her as a gift for you.

Mealtime prayers

I’ve never really been great at implementing mealtime prayers. I’ve asked friends for their ideas on praying at the dinner table, but after utilizing their suggestions for a couple of days, I find myself simply longing for a moment of peace I know will come once food is set before my whining children. When my husband is home and we sit down as a family for dinner, he often prays (as my dad did when I was growing up). Every now and then, my husband will ask our children if they want to pray.

One day, our 4-year-old said she wanted to pray and quoted a Bible verse she had learned. “Give thanks to the Lord… who made the great lights… sun… moon and stars...” (Psalm 136:3, 7-9) “Evening, morning, and noon I cry out…” (Psalm 55:17) is another verse my preschooler prays from her heart to God before we eat. This expression of gratitude to God fills my heart as the prayers fill our home.

It can be a lot of fun to recall Bible verses on thanksgiving to offer God at the table. Although we do not use this routine continually, I am grateful my children can recall verses they have hid in their hearts when we do. Today my daughter recalled another Bible verse about the wise men. “When they saw star, they were overjoyed!” (Matthew 2:10) It may not be a prayer of thanksgiving but I believe these moments given the expression God is looking for.

Mom's Pizza

At least once a week, we could count on mom to prepare homemade pizza. After we helped roll out the floured dough for our meal, we were allowed to spread the tomato sauce as mom added the necessary seasonings. The highlight was adding layers of cheese followed by pulling pieces off of a roll of breakfast sausage to achieve our meat topping. As we added the mushrooms, I could never resist eating them straight from the can between placing them on top of the pizza.

I didn’t think there was anything unique about my mom’s pizza back then. Looking back now, I recall so much more. Tomatoes from the garden’s harvest filled buckets and covered counters as they waited to join those boiling on the stove. The aroma left me craving the moment I could satisfy my taste buds with Mom’s homemade sauce.

The work that I now know goes into that kind of task makes me question the reasoning behind the amount of effort involved. Mom’s homemade sauce spoke of her love for my dad as she supported his hobby of gardening and enjoying the harvest. Allowing us to assist in the preparation of the meal was one way she spoke love to her children as well.

In our family, take-out pizza will never measure up to Mom’s. As I watch my children’s excitement in helping create this tradition handed down from my childhood, I am convinced that the memories created help leave the lasting savor in my mouth.

What I would say to my Dad today, April 27, 2010

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday. This year, as with the past couple, however, your birthday does not beckon a celebration. I have no reason to enter a Hallmark shop and look through the cards to find that perfect one that would make you cry. (I always knew it was the right card when I achieved my treasured result.) There is no reason for the family to gather. It serves no purpose to excite my girls with exclamations over what this date means to me. And yet, I know there is still much to celebrate in this life.

My heart hurts to realize this letter can never get to you. At the same time, I really have no idea what kind of moments God allows you to witness there in Heaven. I have no idea what type of experiences He gives you the privilege of knowing you played a part in. Somewhere in my heart, I hope He gives you glimpses of the joys here on this earth. I realize no joy here can compare to what is there. There are so many moments with your granddaughters I long for you to be a part of. Nikelle still creates smiles on the faces of others just because she extends love unconditionally. And every time she does, the little jingle you borrowed from Sara Lee runs through my head. Jaycie is extremely shy in groups of people but if you catch her at just the right moment, she is so terribly goofy. I can almost hear your laugh as I watch her and I think that laugh would encourage her to continue in her goofball ways. Andelise will point to your picture on the refrigerator identifying you as “Papa” and, for a brief moment, I will forget that you have never known her as she has never known you. Her fearless ways would make you concerned for her safety and yet I think you would learn to appreciate, as we have, her little stunts. She is just our little gymnast and athlete who wants to be included in everything her big sisters do.

58 years ago, God brought you into this world. For almost 56 years, you had the opportunity to impact those around you. You and Mom chose one another and welcomed the birth of four children who you would attempt to pass the baton to. Now today, more than two years after you left our world, I realize how very much your life impacts me still.

After your death, I was forced to face things in my world I had never faced before. Oh sure, there were the minor house repairs that I would want to pick up the phone to have you quickly fix. There have been the family gatherings where there is no longer great joy in wondering if the meal I prepare will leave you satisfied after you’ve mounted your plate high before you sit down at the table. There have been the trips to the zoo and the farm where I find my heart aching that you are not around to smile and laugh and comment on the kids’ reactions to different moments. Yes, there are plenty of things in my life that have required adjusting since your death.

The biggest adjustments have been those within my own heart. I never knew how much pain and anger I stored within myself. It all came to a climax after your death. I found myself eating for comfort until my clothes didn’t fit anymore. My emotions continually exploded with the force of a volcano at every little disruption in my life. Witnessing all of this has caused me to do some serious soul searching. I most certainly do not want to continue causing unnecessary pain to those I love or even myself for that matter.

The question of what is truly important to me has been nagging at my soul. I do a lot of talking and lip service to those things I treasure in my life. Still, I don’t believe my actions have been confirming much of my talk. I finally think I am on the right path. There is a long journey ahead of me but with the help of so many people, and mainly from God, I am experiencing real change.

Your death has left me asking what I want my own husband and children to remember about me should my life end unexpectedly. I have come to the conclusion that I was not living a legacy that would be worth leaving behind. Back in high school, while I was visiting some friends in Indiana, I came across the lyrics to a song by Philips, Craig and Dean entitled “Will You Love Jesus More?” I’ve always wanted that song to be a tribute to my own life and yet after all these years I believe I am only brushing the surface of that desire.

You may not be here anymore to influence me on a daily basis. My baby will never have the privilege of knowing how very special the word “Papa” is. I will likely continue to long every day for you to still be here with us and sadness will probably always remind me of your absence. And yet, your death has changed me for the better – more than I could have ever imagined possible.

For so many years, I longed to live my life to please you. I desired your approval. I pined for your affection. Today, I realize that I life is more about living for the approval of my Heavenly Father. God, himself, is really the only thing that satisfies.

I am so grateful to you and mom for introducing Him to me and impressing upon me the importance of a relationship with Him. We had no way of knowing that I would be forced to rely on Him in this way. Somehow, because of what you passed on to me, I knew to cling tightly to my Lord and Savior.

For some reason, now that you are in heaven, eternity is more tangible for me. Eternity has always been the hope I clung to and even still, just differently. The promises God has left in the Bible are what I live and breathe each day.

I just thought you should know the impact your life and your death have had on me.

With love,

Trist