An Altar of Memories, Healing in Relationship

 

“The thing that wounds us is often the thing that God will walk us through again to heal us.” – Mary DeMuth

The introduction caused me to flinch. Her name brought flashbacks of memories I desperately tried to leave behind. I was broken and the reminders were painful. The walls I had built around my heart resembled garlic and crosses in motion pictures warding off vampires. I may not have needed protection from fictional predators but the fear I experienced at the thought of friendship was certainly comparable.

Shortly after I was married at the young age of eighteen, I felt the pain of abandonment sharply. While my husband has been alongside me for the entire journey and experienced much of the heartache together, I resented the way he encouraged me to pursue community. After being excommunicated from the church of our marriage union,  relational betrayal was magnified in my life. I wanted nothing to do with religion anymore. Memories from my growing up years revisited and confusion flooded my thoughts at friendships that no longer were. My plan was to shut the door of hope and my heart for good.

Too many times I had been wounded by friends. Keeping everyone at arms-length was the only way I could be certain to avoid being scarred again. Truth be told, I longed for friendship but was tired of getting burned. I set boundaries and allowed self-talk that only fueled my feelings of loneliness.  In my opinion, it was better to feel unloved than to experience pain. My heart was cold and hard and, I thought, impenetrable.

While my husband saw value in searching for a healthy community, I went like a child forced to obey. Somehow God tore down the walls I built. Even in my resistance, He brought healing through these very relationships I dug my heels in against. But just like the Israelites were reminded of His deliverance in their lives, He continues to remind me of the freedom He has brought to me as well.

I have come a long way from the young married woman who refused to allow anyone into her world. This past Saturday, ten women gathered in my family room for the very purpose of pursuing community with me. Few of them would likely believe that I was once an avoider of conversation. The irony of my now hosting one of the many (in)RL 2013 meetups is surreal. For now, embracing my responsibility to incite authentic connection is with an intensity that has been admittedly intimidating to some.

Listening as each woman shared their reason for attending, I thanked God for the healing He has performed in my life. I found myself reminiscent of the way God used my community to transform my heart of stone and make it flesh once again.. A phone call yanked me away from my thoughts. Caller ID showed the name of my friend that once brought hesitation but now acts as a magnet. She would only interrupt the moment with good reason.

Her daughter’s birthday kept her from attending this year’s meetup. And now, on the very day of celebrating her oldest’ life, my friend was calling to inform me that her water broke. What are the chances of two siblings sharing a birthday five years apart? While everyone else gawked in amazement at this wonder, God was tugging at my heartstrings in the same way he did five years ago.

It was only two short months after my dad's death rocked my world that my sweet friend’s oldest was born. I claimed her daughter as a gift from God to me that April 27th date. It was a painful day for my family as we should have been celebrating my dad's 56th birthday but instead we were still wandering in the desert at our loss. That day, I chose to accept the birth of her daughter as a sign that God would carry me through the darkest of days. I built an altar of memories in my heart to remind me of God’s faithfulness in the same way they did with rocks in Bible times.

This year, once again on my dad's birthday, wrapped up in a women’s conference focusing on community, God gave me a gift in her newborn. With this sweet baby’s birth, a reminder came straight from God to my soul: He restores the years the locusts have destroyed. I felt Him whisper in my ear, “I created friendship to give you an in-flesh example of My relationship with you. If you will continue to trust Me, I will bring healing where others have caused wreckage. I will show you this over and over again. Just keep living out My greatest commandments and I will give you life overflowing.”

This year’s message was a challenge to stay in community. As I reminisced on the depths and peaks of friendship, another hugged me as she spoke into my ear, “Thank you for staying.” It was a simple statement that revealed how very deep our friendship roots have grown. Tears pooled in my eyes with recollection of the struggling times as well as the thriving. To stay is not easy. Annie Downs’ words are true: “The choice to stay has been the choice to pursue even when it’s hard.” I firmly believe that the reward on the other side of the sometimes-seemingly-impossible, however, is rich, healing relationship straight from the hand of our Creator.

In this season where I can sit among a group of women and truly be myself, I can recount the faithfulness of God. Proven friendships cut pain in half and double the joy. Over more than a decade now, through the valleys and mountains, my friends now speak life into my soul.

It’s been over fifteen years since that awkward introduction that almost sent me running in the other direction. Over and over again, God has confirmed in my heart that authentic friendship is worth the risk every time. The Israelites had the Red Sea. I have April 27^th. We all have the Greatest Commandment.

This is my story to tell.

You have one too.

God’s faithfulness.

It’s there.

Pursue it.

Embrace it.

Tell others about it.

This is where healing begins.

 

"And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart." - Ezekial 11:19

 

"Surely He has done great things... I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten... you will praise the name of the Lord your God who has worked wonders for you..." - Joel 2

Equipped in Times of Fear

(This is a picture posted by Proverbs 31 Ministries on Facebook yesterday.)

"Bombs went off at the Boston Marathon today." I heard my friend's voice inform me of the horrific tragedy. My fingers fumbled to turn the television on. The footage left me in disbelief.

There must have been children involved was my first thought. While never in Boston, we have gathered as a family numerous times as spectators for Chicago. Immediately my mind went to the people watching on the sidelines that make the race complete. How could anyone do this? It's just evil.

I was careful to shelter my children from the news of the day. It's difficult enough as an adult to take in the capacity of evil people can possess. How could I expose my children to it? I had to force myself to quit watching the replay of images. They are etched in my mind. My heart truly aches for those involved.

The way information is presented has a way of shaping our outlook on the future. Everything in me wants to protect my children from this type of news. However, I have learned the importance of educating my girls firsthand. If I don't give them the initial information, someone else will with a spin difficult to combat. We know it was our responsibility to be our children's first informers. This was confirmed by my 5th grade daughter following the school shootings in Newtown, Connecticut. "I wasn't as scared when people talked about it because you and dad had already told me."

As our family sat down to dinner Monday night, we made the decision to prepare our children for possible unfiltered conversations they may encounter. "People were hurt today... we do not need to live in fear... the only way to protect against evil is with God..." It's difficult to talk to children 10 and under about these things. At the same time, I realize I am unable to protect them from every evil. It's only knowing God that allows me to send them out into the world each day. I am not entrusting my children to the world. I'm entrusting them to God. Even that is difficult for me some days.

I really can understand how people live this life paralyzed with fear. Without God's Word, I am certain that would be my fate. Maybe that is why I felt such sadness as I read Amos 8:11-12 this past week. "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign Lord, "when I will send a famine through the land - not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the Word of the Lord, but they will not find it." I realize all Scripture needs to be read in context and this is probably referring to the spoken words of prophets in that day. However, I cannot fathom what I would do without the Bible. It is the source of my hope and strength and the reason I can carry on. It's also the only way I know to encourage my children.

As I listened to the President speak at the prayer service for Boston yesterday, I couldn't help but think about the power Scripture plays in my life. I don't know how well the President knows the Bible verses he used or if he truly understands the words he shared or not. For me, however, the two verses he chose are powerful anchors in my life. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." It's a verse I have used to empower my children as well. Still, verse 8 cannot be missed. "So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..."

Part of Hebrews 12:1-3 was also quoted (see that in bold). "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race [God has] set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up." While I am often encouraged in the many races I participate in by this verse, the one Paul is referring to is the life of following after Jesus. We need to keep our eyes on eternity and what matters.

One thing is certain: there is power in God's Word. I cannot imagine life without God's Truth to cling to. It is my source of hope and strength. During times like these, this is the only anchor I know to have my family and I securely clinging to. There is more fear in my heart when I think of no longer hearing God's Word than there will ever be due to evil. I am so thankful God has equipped us with the Bible in times of fear.

 

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:10, 13

What is your source of comfort in times like these?

No More Perfect Meals

(Today is the Third Thursday of the month. Time for the Hearts at Home Home Blog Hop! This month's topic: No More Perfect Meals. Head over to Jill's blog to see what other women have to say.)

Ideally, dinnertime would be a picture of my family gathered around the dining room table for a well-balanced meal that I had planned long in advance. The reality is that I rarely know what I am going to serve before the whining declarations of hunger are directed my way. Tonight for example, I asked my husband to pick up cheap pizza on his way home from work. When my brain could hardly manage the task of placing the order, I knew the right decision was made.

I surround myself with friends who make meal plans and freeze a month’s worth of dinners ahead of time. Other friends choose a healthy lifestyle without options of fast food or cereal for dinner. For myself, I’ve found I need to give myself some grace and just do the best I can with today.

Tonight, I had planned on eating breakfast for dinner. We are low on groceries and I had no desire to head out to the store in torrential downpours resulting in area wide flooding. Happy with the fact that I had a plan, I began to do some serious spring cleaning in my daughters’ bedroom.

Just before lunchtime, an unplanned play date came our way. The pounding storms had brought my friends a basement full of water when their sump pump quit working along with other unexpected damage. Taking their child for a few hours was the least I could do to help. With limited food on hand, I offered options to our young guest. With pancakes now on our lunch menu (after I had eaten French toast for breakfast), I no longer had a desire to eat breakfast again when dinner came around.

It’s due to my lack of planning that I feel crummy from our meal of convenience. At the end of the day, I would have preferred meat and vegetables that left me feeling good about my dinner choices. However, I feel wonderful that I was able to step in and help a friend out in her time of need.

As my family sat together around the dinner table this evening, I looked into my girls eyes as they listened intently to their daddy’s story from his college days. I realize it’s not the food that matters. It’s the time together that counts.

I’ll continue to strive for better. There will also be a part of me that wants to fuel our bodies with nutritious meals every time. I will always welcome tips to help me plan meals and reduce the stress of the dinner hour. Most importantly, I will need to remember to extend myself some grace.

It’s unlikely that we will eat a nutritious meal I am pleased with every night. However, when I’m settling on something less than the best to get through the evening because we are helping others, I can go to bed satisfied. While I may never get meal time right before our kids grow up and move out, I hope they will always know it is the relationships that matter.

 

Building Community

I really believe that one of the worst seasons in life to be in is one where you are looking for a church home. It would be nice if we could walk into the doors of a church and feel welcomed right away but who really does? We don’t know where to go or what to do and all we want is a friend. It’s all a bit awkward. I mean who wants to feel as if they don’t belong?

About 15 years ago, my husband and I hesitantly set out in search of a new community. Like a wounded animal from the most painful experience in my life to that date, I guarded my heart from any further injury. While I dug my heels in, the man God gave me was adamant that finding a new church was important for us. I am so grateful he pushed us forward.

For quite some time, I wouldn’t allow anyone to get past the walls I built up in my life. This way, I wouldn’t have to experience the deep pain inflicted on me by others. At the same time, I would never be able to taste the essence of community the way God intended it to be. Over time, I began to realize it was time to let God soften my heart of stone. As long as I remained cold to those God placed in my life, I was the one responsible for my pain.

Slowly, I began to accept invitations. I’ve learned I can trust again. And in those moments where trust is broken, I get back up again. The search for a new community was not fun but it was the best thing we ever did! If you are searching, don't give up. A church operating the way God intended it to be is well worth the effort!

This year, I’m taking another step toward building my community. I’m hosting an (in)RL meetup in my home. If you are looking for community, you're welcome to join mine! Here is the link for more information on the conference as well as registration: http://www.incourage.me/inrl. (It's free!) You can find the information on our meetup here: http://www.meetup.com/incouragemeetups/.

 

 

You won't want to miss it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ministry of Availability (No More Perfect Days)

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9
 

I am not much of a list maker. To me, it feels a lot like scrubbing the dishes just before loading them into the dishwasher to start it. Why spend the extra time making the list when one can just delve in and tackle it head on?

Many embrace the freedom a to-do list allows their mind. I’ve been told that crossing items off as the day wears on brings satisfaction. With today being one of those days (booked from the moment my feet hit the floor until I could bury myself under my covers before entering dreamland once again), I decided to prepare by itemizing my agenda.

 

Everything was set to go for today’s Science Fair presentation my daughter spent months preparing for. Unfortunately, I forgot to put happy bellies on my list. Amazed at the calm with which God filled me, I took my daughter’s declaration of queasiness in stride.

 
Nikelle’s stomach often wreaks havoc with our mornings. The key is to minimize her stress. Immediately, she began to work herself up into a tizzy. Inevitably, if she was sick, her favorite part of this experience would be missed. I assured her that we could be late to school. (After all, now that the usual bus ride was no longer an option, we had to drive her sister to school anyway. “Drive girls to school” was not going to be successfully scratched off my list… at least not on time anyway!)

Recently, some friends and I discussed the chapter No More Perfect Days from Jill Savage’s new book, No More Perfect Moms. I highlighted the words “Ask God for help. Tell Him, ‘Here’s what I planned. Help me to deal graciously with however it really turns out.” It was time for some application of what I had learned.

(On a side note, I couldn’t help but work to fight off the thought that life was a lot simpler with only one child. It’s not a desire to go back to the good old days. It’s simply an observation in light of today’s circumstances.)

 
I nudged my middle child into her class as my youngest insisted on her urgency to use the bathroom. My oldest was now outside the front doors of the school gagging into the plastic grocery bag I had handed her “just in case”. Asking my 7-year-old to show my 4-year-old the bathroom, I attended to my 10-year-old. After making certain she was fine, I checked in on the younger one only to find her demanding my help in the bathroom. I don’t know how many times I ran back and forth down that hallway but I am certainly grateful for the staff at Eisenhower Academy.
 
Once everything calmed down, I helped my oldest set up her display. Assured by the teachers that it was ok to let her stay for the science fair (with the promise that I would return promptly to be certain this was not the stomach flu), I ran across town to drop the youngest off at preschool. I made a quick phone call to cancel my morning plans and took some deep breaths. To-do lists rarely cooperate with me.
 
I don’t find it to be a coincidence that the Bible study homework I had just completed last night applied to my life today. “What decision involving change in your life is God nudging you to make?” I wrote the answer “homemaker” knowing full well that God has been speaking to me on this very topic. It’s more than being a stay-at-home mom or even cleaning house and making meals. I need to make myself more available to my husband and daughters. For me, this simply means a little more consideration for others.
 
Jill Savage writes “Ministry for Jesus was the person standing in front of Him, regardless of whether that interaction was planned or spontaneous.” For the moment, my daughter needed me to do whatever it took to help her present her project. While I had everything worked out to attend my Bible study and take care of necessary errands, plans need to be flexible. “Motherhood is the ministry of availability” and it was time to make sure my child knew she came before my agenda.

Nikelle made it through the school day with no more incidents involving her stomach. She ate her lunch and came home chatting happily about her day. Whether or not she is aware of the sacrifice I made today or will remember years down the road is not even the issue. This was a test of obedience. Of that I am certain. It feels good to say “yes” to God’s calling.

 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 2:3-5
 
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” – Matthew 16:24