Kicking, Screaming and Growing Closer to Jesus

My three year old saw a hawk the other morning. "I saw that when we were at the Willis Tower." While I'm lost on the reference to seeing the hawk there, I'm caught up in the ease of her words. I don't like the name Willis Tower. For me, this building will always be the Sears Tower. This new name has difficulty rolling off of my tongue.

Anytime I encounter change in my life, I usually go kicking and screaming. It probably has something to do with the fact that I like to be comfortable. Knowing what is coming... the predictable... that is a cozy place for me. And yet life continues to alter and I continue to throw a fit.

This past week has had a lot of moments where I carry my daughter kicking and screaming up to her room for a time out. (She is kicking and screaming, not me.) I want her to learn her emotions and opinions are important. The way we express them and share them, however, need to honor God. Why is it that the lessons I try to teach my children are always the ones I need to learn myself?

Every April, for the past few years, I begin to feel like I'm forgetting something. I can't quite pinpoint what it is that I am supposed to be doing. Something is missing. It always hits me just before April 27th. This is my dad's birthday. For as long as I can remember, I attempted to mark this day with a memorable card or a poem to bring my daddy to tears. Now, it's only a reminder that while I still don't like change, I've learned to quit throwing a fit and instead ask God "What do I do with it now?"

God has used this change in my life of no longer being able to talk to my earthly father to mold me. I've gotten a lot better at stopping my kicking and screaming in order to ask myself how I can honor God through this situation. When I feel the temper tantrum coming, it is a reminder that I need to stop and ask God "What do I do with this now?" "How will this change ultimately transform me to become more of the person you want me to be?"

I still don't like change. My first instinct will probably always be to throw a fit but I will continue to reach for Jesus outstretched hand, knowing this is what He wants me to do. Next time I am avoiding the swinging arms and feet of my little girl as I carry her up to her room, I hope to be prompted to look to Jesus. My goal is that we will all grow closer to Jesus together.

Wanting to Want to Exercise

Most days it's not too difficult to convince myself out of exercising. I'm really good at making excuses. Really good. There's the basic "I'm tired" excuse or "It hurts" of course. Then there is "I just spent two evenings away from home so I'm not going to spend another hour away from my family." I like the righteous excuse of "I'm going to wake up early to read my Bible instead of exercise." (Only problem is that I sleep instead of doing either.) Establishing a balanced exercise routine is really a battle for me.

Here are a few things I do to make it harder to turn down a workout:

1.          Put it on my calendar. When I have a scheduled class or even a training plan for a run, it's harder to back out. When things are written in as part of my agenda, I tend to do the responsible thing and do them. Exercise included.

2.          I don't shower first thing in the morning. Take this morning for example. Since my race two weeks ago, I had run one time for thirty minutes. This comes off of a thirteen week training program of running at least three times a week, sometimes for an hour or more. Excuses have gotten the better of my schedule and running took a back seat. Considering the fact that I still have running goals in my future, I needed to get a run in at some point today. Saying "no" to getting clean this morning inspired me to get the run in prior to lunch. I strapped my youngest into the jogging stroller, thanked God for the good weather and left a little early to pick my middle one up from Kindergarten. Run complete and Ande enjoyed the time outside. (I'm clean now and so thankful that my little one cooperates in this way.)

3.          Set goals. This one is hard for me to do. But, once I am able to convince myself of a goal, I find a plan and stick with it. (It helps that races usually cost money and give me a nice take home gift as well.) I too easily fall away from exercise when there isn't a goal in front of me.

4.          Ask God for help. I'm learning to ask God simply to give me a desire. Whether it is a desire to get to know Him more, obey Him, or make the right choice when it comes to the best for my life, I need to ask for help. "Please give me the desire to get out there and run today." "Help me not to make excuses." The end result is usually one I am happy with. I like that I can ask God simply to give me the desire. Once the desire is there, the rest seems to work itself out. (And when it doesn't, I ask Him for help there, too.)

5.          Enlist accountability partners. I am currently involved in a boot camp class through my church which has helped me to stay active. Signing up for races with friends keeps me accountable as well. I know if I don't show up, I'm going to hear about it. With running, I can't complete the mileage if I haven't been getting it in on my own. Soon boot camp will end and I need to set up another plan. Weight Watchers also helps in a big way with this area, too. Knowing I have to get on the scale every Saturday morning (to weigh in front of someone) inspires me to sweat a little bit during the week.

Exercise is still not my first desire. I'm getting there. If I see someone running on the road as I'm driving to accomplish my errands, I find myself wishing it was me. I like the way I feel after my muscles heal from boot camp. A healthy lifestyle is worth it. First, I have to convince myself to want to do it.

What do you do to ensure you get some exercise in?

Foolish Arguments

Apparently, I like to fight with children. It's not the standard arguments you would think of either. "Clean your room" or  "Do your homework" are not what I am referring to. I find myself engaging in the simple "these are the facts" kind of arguments. I answer 4 to the question, "What is 2 + 2?" The child insists it is 5. The grass is green. The sky is blue. Vegetables are healthier for you than Oreos. It doesn't matter what the truth is. The kids insist on being right.

For some reason, I feel it of the utmost importance to convince little children that I know the truth. After all, I am older and wiser. Or am I? At times, our argument will go on for an extended period of time before the light bulb goes off in my head. What am I doing arguing with a 3-year-old? The bottom line is that I am right. The truth is simply the truth. At some point, they will learn the truth. Arguing with them is not going to convince them. These types of arguments are foolish.

My fourth grader came home today and informed me that she and her friends had a discussion on evolving. Her friends told her that we came from apes. She said, "Umm... no we didn't." "Yes, we did," they responded. This went on a few times before she informed me that she just walked away.

"I was the only one who didn't think we came from apes, mom". I told her how smart I thought she was for walking away. Arguing with her friends was not going to convince them of the truth. They will only accept the truth when they are ready to believe. No amount of arguing is going to convince this. I told her I thought it was great that she spoke the truth. Had they been willing to listen, it could have opened up a whole world of conversations. It was encouraging to hear that my daughter was bold enough to speak up for the truth and wise enough to walk away from the foolish argument.

A day from my teenage years quickly popped into my head during my daughter's conversation. One day during my high school Biology class, the teacher asked who believed in creation. I quickly raised my hand. As I scanned the room, I was the only one with my hand raised. The only one. It shocked me. How could I be the only one that believed in a Creator?

I went home visibly upset that day and passionately shared the account with my parents. The next morning, I found a note from my dad on the bathroom counter. He asked me what people would rather see when someone talks about God. He had a picture of a smiley face and one that was angry. Along with these, he listed the lyrics to "My Faith has Found a Resting Place". These words continue to pop into my head when my faith is questioned.

My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device or creed;
I trust the ever living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.

Refrain
I need no other argument,
I need no other plea,
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.

Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I come to Him,
He’ll never cast me out.

Refrain

My heart is leaning on the Word,
The living Word of God,
Salvation by my Savior’s Name,
Salvation through His blood.

Refrain

My great Physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.

I do believe we are to be bold for Christ. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 2:7) Jesus died on the cross for us. He wasn't ashamed of us... so much so that he was shamed for us. Why, oh why, are we so ashamed to stand with Him?

While we need to give answers for the hope that we have, it does no good to argue until we are blue in the face. Few, if any, are convinced in this fashion. "Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." (2 Timothy 2:23-24)

The truth is that God sent His only Son into the world to die on a tree for my sins. It is because of his blood and resurrection that I am able to spend eternity in Heaven. "I need no other argument. I need no other plea. It is enough that Jesus died. And that He died for me."

Disappointed

Disappointment is so rampant in my life. It occurs numerous times on a daily basis. I feel like I walk around discouraged and defeated. When will I ever learn my lesson?

Quite often, I inform my husband that I would do so much better living the Christian life if only I could eliminate people. Of course, I follow up my comment with a laugh because I know that is impossible. I wouldn't be living if I weren't surrounded by others. God created us for relationships.

I am tired of hurting, though. That is the reason I want to give up. I want to quit loving at times. When I open my heart to people, it is more than likely that it will get broken. No one is perfect. So why do I find it such a shock every time I am pained by someone I've invested my life in?

Some days I just feel alone. Reality is that I have people who love me and care about my feelings. It is just that their actions or neglect leave me curling up in the fetal position in an attempt to escape the pain. All too often, I focus on the source of my pain.

I have just joined an online study on the book, A Confident Heart, by Renee Swope. In the first chapter alone, I have found so much encouragement. In particular, the quote of Isaiah 49:23 reminded me of why my outlook on relationships gets so askew.

"Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Hope in Him. My eyes too easily come off of God. I look to my husband for hope. Disappointment. I look to my children for hope. Disappointment. My extended family. My friends. Even the church. Disappoint. Disappoint. Disappoint. "Those who trust in me will not be disappointed."

Sounds like a promise of truth to cling to. Especially when I'm feeling  let down by this world. Trust in God. He doesn't disappoint.

Dear Daughters: Loving our Neighbors

My Dearest Daughters,

As I pull into the driveway, I see the pile of garbage at the curb that our neighbors left behind. I feel the pain rising up in my chest. It's not because I formed some lasting bond in the past one-and-one-half-years with these people. My heart aches for you.

"I wish he didn't have to move." These are the words that sting my heart over and over as the curbside trash reminds me once again. No one will be knocking on our door to play outside with you. The tears are flowing now because I wonder if I attempted to hold too tightly to my own life as I denied you the pleasure of the times I didn't realize were so limited.

I used to dread the possibility of the doorbell ringing. It interrupted my alone time and peace. His request meant I couldn't keep to my agenda for the day. While I tried to embrace the moment, I kept them at an arms distance with fear that my safe life would be invaded with requests I couldn't maintain.

Now I realize it was only for a season. Honestly, I can do anything for a season. That's why I worry that I let you down... and him as well. It was such a short time that you had the chance to play with this boy. And every moment he interacted with our family was an opportunity to be Jesus to him.

Did we achieve this? Will he think back on his time here on Arden Place and remember us as the neighbors who lived a little differently? As he recalls the instances where he became part of our family each week, will He love Jesus more for it? Fond memories can do a lot as we get older. Will his drive him to Jesus?

It isn't even so much that you formed a close bond with our now former neighbor. It was just the excitement of having another child across the street to play with. The fact that someone wanted your time. That, and you had a lot of fun together. He was a nice kid. It showed in the fact that he intentionally came over just to say goodbye.

I wish I could promise you that we will see him again. Honestly, I just can't say for certain. Our worlds unexpectedly connected because they became our neighbors during that Blizzard of 2011. In the year-and-a-half that they lived here, I learned a lot. I was so used to growing up with my closest neighbors a mile in each direction. Being neighborly did not come naturally. I like to protect my down time here at home and that is to my fault. It was a growing experience for me. I learned when to say "yes" and when to say "no". I learned that not everyone thinks the way I do and God loves us all. We are all unique and there is something worth loving in everyone and learning from them as well.

Some people come into our lives just for a season. I believe this was the case with them. They may surprise us and contact us in the future. I hope so. It would be nice to see you smile and laugh with your unlikely friend again. But know this: I am changed because they were our neighbors. I will live more intentionally because of our interactions with them. And I will teach you to do the same. After all, this is how Jesus calls us to live.

"Jesus replied, 'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." - Matthew 22:37-39

I love you,

Mommy