I'm Free to be Me

“Why did God make me mean like you?” This was the question posed to me by my 6-year-old daughter. While I smiled at her inquisition, it didn’t stop my heart from twisting inside of me. “God didn’t make us mean,” I informed her. “We just need to ask Him to help us make better choices.”

The most difficult piece of raising my youngest is the fact that every time I look at her, I see my reflection as if in a mirror. She’s filled with passion and can’t contain her emotions. There’s not much of a filter on her mouth. Her strong-willed personality is a battle almost every day. When I’m faced with the need to offer instruction and discipline for her, I find myself hopeless. God, how do I help her change when I don’t even know where to begin changing myself?!

Most days, I wake up embracing the truth of Lamentations 3: God’s mercies are new every morning. Then the day begins and I face failure, disappointment, sin, comparison and discouragement. Most of these hit hard before everyone is even out the door for the day. I struggle with who I am and why I can’t ever seem to overcome.

“You are too hard on yourself.” I hear this often from those I love. Yet, I’m left with a flood of frustration because I feel the need to be… although I can’t quite identify why.

Maybe I demand perfection?

Could it be that I just don’t think I ever do enough to please God?

I relate well to the main character in the movie, Mom's Night Out. Allyson, a stay-at-home mom, finds everything about her night out going wrong. She laments, “I’m a failure. I have failed again. That’s all I do. I can’t… no matter how hard I try… how much I give… I’m not enough.”

“For Who?” She is questioned by the biker friend lending a listening ear. He doesn’t beat around the bush when he directly confronts her woes “… for you? Not enough for you?”

Tears came to my eyes as this unlikely character spoke truth into this broken momma. The words targeted my heart. Just like Allyson, all too often, I feel like I’m not good enough. I’d like to be just about anyone else other me.

In his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Author Brennan Manning states “Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing… sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency.” In these words, I felt God opening His arms as the loving Father to accept and comfort me. I continued to read the words by Thomas Merton quoted in the book, “A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”

“You are accepted,” The Ragamuffin Gospel continues. “Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you really are accepted.”

It’s me that isn’t okay with me. My husband loves me. My daughters love me. My family and my friends love me. Most of all, God loves me… just as I am. Jesus gave his life for me so that I could spend eternity with Him. How could I question that pure love by fighting against the person God created me to be?

I am passionate. Yes, that means I struggle with containing negative emotions. Sometimes this plays out in the ugliness of anger. However, most of the time, it displays itself in the beauty of love. My weakness can reveal strength if I allow it.

I am strong-willed. Sometimes I can appear stubborn and demanding. More often, it allows me to confidently lead others in following the greatest commandments: love God; love others. Yet what God is showing me is that I am leaving out “…as yourself.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I can’t love others the way God loves if I’m unwilling to embrace the woman He created me to be.

The lesson I am learning is that guilt is a messy motivation. I cannot guilt myself to live better. God has never asked me to live in guilt. As a matter of fact, Jesus came so I could live in freedom. As I read the Bible, this message is engrained into my soul: “Where the Spirit ofthe Lord is, there is freedom!” (John 8; Galatians 5; Romans 6)

It’s time to quit beating myself up. Allyson (in Mom's Night Out) writes on her mommy blog: “I’m a mess. But a beautiful mess. I’m His masterpiece… and that’s enough.” It’s time I embrace that message and live it out. God defines who I am. Not me.

Bottom line: In Christ, I’m free to be me! (…and so are you!)

Do you struggle with placing high demands on yourself that God never placed on you? Take time to read the scripture referenced in this post. God’s desire was to free us. I want my life to start reflecting this more.

^“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.

He holds my hand

Date night is something to look forward to, isn’t it? My relationship with my husband can get swallowed whole by the hustle and bustle of everyday life. The kids have needs and agendas. We both have needs and agendas. Life is busy and without some intentionality, date nights don’t happen. Having a date scheduled on the calendar can bring hope to a relationship through another day of drudgery.

It’s been some time since we’ve had a date night, so I was looking forward to a night out with my husband and our friends. The kids went to Grandma’s. This allowed us adults to watch a musical, eat dinner and even stop for ice cream. Extended, uninterrupted time without kids… shared with friends… who could ask for more?

… except maybe a little self-control?

It’s sad to think how quickly our evening turned sour… and it’s all my fault. Our friends didn’t have any idea that a simple question would stir up years of emotion. Honestly, I didn’t have any idea either. Anger, irritation, pride… it was all mingled in and I couldn’t shake it. I walked away from the conversation… but it was too late. I’d already done damage.

Even worse is the fact that when my husband attempted to calm the raging storm, all it did was stir the embers into flames. There was no love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness or self-control on my part. Not a sign of the Holy Spirit in my life. It was the exact opposite and I felt defeated.

It’s hard to come off of a setback like that.

I am reading Magnetic by Lynn Cowell and she encourages young women to wear the fruit of the Spirit in order to be the girl God wants. It’s a good challenge for older women as well. I turned to Psalm 37 as she encouraged and found myself consumed in the words God gave me as a gift that morning.

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” – Psalm 37:23-24

I clung to that verse on the way to church.

Though he may stumble... 

He will not fall...

That was all that happened. I’d stumbled but it didn’t mean I’d fallen.

During communion yesterday, our pastor challenged us to think about how much God loves us… not how much we think He loves us… but the objective fact that He loves us.

The fact is that the Bible tells me “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He doesn’t love me because I keep from sinning. He loves me in spite of my sin.

Shortly after, we sang “Freedom Reigns” by Jesus Culture.

This song reinforced the same message I knew God was nudging my heart with all morning:

In Jesus, there is freedom and I don’t have to feel defeated because I failed the day before.

As we walked out of church that morning, I turned my head to the screams of our 6-year-old daughter. She was sitting on the sidewalk, hugging her knees. When I asked if she tripped, she said she was just running too fast. Apparently, her body went faster than her feet. It’s just a little scratch, thankfully. She’ll be fine.

This morning God brought that picture to my mind as I continued to mull over this verse. Our daughter ran on up ahead of us after church. When she was a little younger, we would have walked hand in hand which would have allowed me to help her when she stumbled. My knee jerk reaction would have been to pull up on her arm and keep her body from making contact with the ground. I would have kept her from falling.

This was the picture painted in Psalm 37. God upholds me with his hand.

This weekend, I felt like a failure when anger won out… again. Self-control wasn’t exercised… again. They feel like repetitive struggles in my life. Yet I’ve been reminded that I should call it what it is… sin.

My “struggles” are sin. That’s what the Bible says. Every time I allow sin to rule my actions instead of the love, I feel like a failure. Jesus says I don’t have to stay in a cycle of guilt. With Him, there is freedom.

I love God.

I love my husband.

I love my girls.

I love others.

So, why do I react so poorly to them so often?

I know that in Christ, I am free. Not free to sin, but to live without its bondage on my life. In light of this, it’s a hard reality to stumble so far away from the path I want to be on so often.

I may have stumbled this past weekend, giving in to sinful choices. However, as long as I continue to stay close to Him, I won’t fall. I still need to seek forgiveness – from Him – and from others – but I haven’t fallen from His grace. I never can.

He holds my hand.

Do I thank Him?

The rain pounded and the wind sounded ferocious.

"Lord, please stop the rain..."

A field trip to the pumpkin farm was scheduled for my youngest daughter. It would be our family's final time to share in this activity with the preschool after 7 cumulative years. My heart instantaneously lifted this request up to God.

Honestly, I would have been fine staying home. There's always plenty to accomplish around the house. It was the thought of my daughter's disappointment that triggered my request. She'd been talking about this trip all week and I hate to see my children struggle with sadness. Who doesn't?

All morning I checked email and Facebook to see if the trip would be canceled. All morning she asked when we would leave. All morning I informed her that I wasn't even certain we would be able to go.

When are we leaving for the pumpkin farm?

The rain dwindled a bit but it still looked cold and dreary and unhopeful.

Without notice of a cancellation and a check of the weather, I prepared for the field trip. The rain wasn't supposed to last all day. When I called for my daughter to get ready for the day, she didn't fight me like other mornings. Anticipation has a way of diminishing the everyday battles.

As we walked down the stairs, I noticed the sun peeking through the clouds, and I remembered...

It would have been easy to exit the house in our excitement with hope fulfilled.

It would have been just as easy to leave without any gratitude.

When things go our way...

When prayers are answered the way we had hoped...

When weather cooperates...

When good health remains...

When the bank account is plenty...

When life stays on course...

Do I thank Him?

Do you?

I worry...

I fret...

I lift up prayers to my genie... I mean God...

Sometimes it's easy to forget He's not our personal genie, isn't it?

All too often I rattle off my list of requests never taking the time to acknowledge Him...

I know how to complain when things don't go my way...

But to thank Him?

I cannot forget.

He may not always give me what I ask for. What good parent does?

But He'll give me what I need.

He doesn't want to see me disappointed any more than I want to see my own children upset when their wishes aren't met.

So, while He's not my own personal genie...

I'll continue to ask in anticipation... knowing He is the source of my hope. Anticipation has a way to diminish our everyday battles. But will I remember to thank Him when He doesn't grant what I've asked?

I must remember to thank Him.

The pause as we walked down the stairs that morning filled my attitude with gratitude.

"The sun is shining! Do you think we should thank God for giving us good weather for the pumpkin farm?" I asked my daughter.

Her response was immediate. "Thank you God..."

She prayed and I realized my attitude impacts my kids. When I complain and grumble, they complain and grumble. When I give thanks, they give thanks as well.

 

At the pumpkin farm, the wind didn't bother me. The mud didn't bother me. The chill in the air didn't bother me. Even the fact that this was our last preschool trip to the pumpkin patch. We were there...

 

and we thanked the Giver of all good gifts.

What do you need to pause and thank Him for today?

He Knows My Name

Triumph.

Defined as "a great victory or achievement", this is not a word we use very often.

Honestly, most days don't leave me feeling very triumphant.

We're searching for money trees these days. It seems every inch of our home demands our prompt attention. Not just the minor problems but serious issues like windows leaking into walls. How does one not worry about where that kind of money will come from?

The dishes confiscate every inch of the counters... again. Laundry conceals our floors, leaving us feeling like we are buried alive. I can't walk into the kids' bedrooms without stepping over toys and papers and who knows what else. I swear I just spent a day in their room digging out and organizing... what happened?

Last year I completed two half marathons. This year, I can't catch my breath carrying laundry up the stairs. Not to mention the bathroom scale reveals the truth that I am far from a healthy weight. As if it wasn't bad enough that my jeans already squeeze my body like a tube of toothpaste?

I'm not saving money.

I'm not losing weight.

I don't have any great accomplishments on my list right now (nor am I in pursuit of any).

So how exactly do I love my triumphs? Now I feel like I can't even participate in the Hearts at Home Blog Hop!

I watched from the front window as our youngest daughter waved goodbye to her daddy. He was taking our oldest to the bus stop on his way to work the other day. I was overwhelmed with an odd feeling. Somehow, Some way, God put it in my heart to choose this man. It hasn't always been easy. Many a times I had thought about quitting. Sometimes I still wonder what's the point? Yet in this simple action of witnessing my husband being a father, I felt triumph.

My man is worthy of respect.

My girls know they are loved by their daddy.

I know I am loved by my husband. (I may not feel it all the time but deep in my heart... I know.)

This isn't my victory but it still leaves me feeling triumphant. The success of our marriage is God's achievement. The fact that He grabbed a hold of our hearts a long time ago... that was Him; not us. God gave us a blueprint for our lives and by choosing it, our marriage will last. Three beautiful girls. Extended family that celebrates with us (and mourns with us). A community of Christ-followers that do life with us. Bountiful friends that remain faithful through it all. There may not be a list of achievements I can rattle off; but triumph I know.

I listened to the lyrics of a song as I drove the other day. It's a song that I've heard many times. But this time, the words grabbed a hold of my heart. The song He Knows My Name by Francesca Battistelli wraps up my feelings on triumph.

"I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name"

Sometimes I just want to be noticed for something. I want to achieve; to feel a sense of accomplishment. Yet loving my triumphs has nothing to do with anything I do.

My triumph is in God and His work in my life. I don't need to be a super model. My life doesn't have to feel like I'm walking on easy street. The days can feel hard at times and yet deep in my soul, I can still feel triumphant.

I'm famous in my Father's eyes...

I'm not living for applause...

I'm already so adored...

It's all His stage...

and He knows my name.

That is something to be triumphant about.

He knows my name.

(The Third Thursday of the month is the Hearts at Home Blog Hop! This month's topic: Love Your Triumphs. Head over to Jill's blog to see what other women have to say on the topic.)

A Different Point of View

I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list yesterday. As a matter of fact, I never do. I didn’t even make dinner. Take-out was the answer last night. And as I went to bed around 9pm (because I can barely keep my eyes open past my children’s bed time), I remembered that this blog post was sitting on my computer unfinished. Funny how the topic is “loving your failures”. I didn’t think it was possible to “love my failures”. But maybe I should learn how…

On any given day, I can be found battling thoughts of failure. Everywhere I turn, I hear the message that I am not doing things the right way. My house isn’t clean enough. My children aren’t excelling enough. My marriage doesn’t make me happy enough. As a stay-at-home mom, it’s easy to determine my success based upon the performance and opinions of my family.

My oldest is 12 and makes it clear she is much happier away from me than with me these days. Continually, I have to remind myself that I felt the same way at her age. But while trying to put myself in her shoes may ease the pain a bit, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve moved to the bottom of her list.

The other day, my 8-year-old daughter took her hand and poked me in the side of my waist, demonstrating what I had just done to her. She was attempting to convince me that I had hurt her. When I responded with the fact that I wasn’t hurt one bit, her response was unkind. “That’s because you have a lot of blubber right there.” Wow!

After a cleaning at the dentist’s office, my 6-year-old daughter wanted to examine my teeth. “You have a crooked tooth on the bottom. It makes you look old… like you’re going to die.” Um, yah… wow! Who is raising these children anyway?

Most of the time, I am able to brush off the inconsiderate comments by my children. They are just kids after all. Sometimes, however, I think about the statement “out of the mouths of babes”. Children often speak the truth, albeit rather bluntly. And when I am already questioning if I could be a candidate on The Biggest Loser or What Not to Wear, it’s no wonder my daughter’s loud comment about my sporting a mustache can leave me fighting back tears.

For the past 18 years, my husband and I have struggled to communicate well. Yes, that would be the total amount of years we’ve been married. We just never seem to get it right. Most of the things I say to him get twisted in his head. He continually tells me I’ve said things opposite of what I thought I had communicated with him. Will we ever get to a point where communicating doesn’t require so much effort?!

I walk into my friend’s homes and I am well aware that my home doesn’t meet up. My yard is a mess. My floors are a mess. My counters and rooms are a mess. My life is a mess. My children have been in school for four whole days now and I looked around the house today and wonder what in the world I’ve been doing? We need a maid… and a cook… and a life coach.

When I sit back and look at this life through my flawed eyes, I can’t help but feel like a failure. Honestly, talk show hosts and psychologists would likely agree. It’s not just my view. It’s the worldview. No one else lives this way!

My apparent failures could easily send me into a pit of despair. Thankfully, these shortcomings drive me to seek out a different point of view. Without it, I wouldn’t survive. There’s no way I’m really the only one living this way, right?

When failure overwhelms me, I look for Truth. God’s Word is Truth. In Psalm 119:18, the Psalmist begs God to “Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.” The prayer appeals to me and I follow suit. Later in verse 43, he asks God “Do not snatch your word of truth from me, for your regulations are my only hope.” My only hope? I wonder if King David fought the same mental battles I deal with.

When it comes to my preteen pulling away from me, what is Truth? In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah begged God for a child. After God granted her request, she entrusted her son, Samuel to God.  ^“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And then she worshipped God. Her example is the response I should choose. These children are on loan for me to raise up to follow after God.

As my failures are highlighted by my children about my weight and my age, I can be offended or choose to embrace the same Truth I attempt to equip them with. Following the example of the Psalmist again, I can praise God for the way He created me. Psalm 139 reads “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I have an abundant life. Blessings overflow and God has given me the gift of another day.

I can make better choices to feel better about my appearance and I should. My body is God’s temple (1 Corinthians 6) and physical training is of some value (1 Timothy 4). However, Romans 14 reminds me that “…the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God.” My focus should be on serving God (Matthew 6).

In light of God’s Truth, gratitude fills my heart and I’m not so focused on failure anymore. I suppose it’s not quite as difficult as I thought to love my failures. No wonder the Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he [God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” If my failures point me to God, I can love my failures, indeed.

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” - Colossians 2:7

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

(Today (well... yesterday) is (was) the Third Thursday of the month. Time for the Hearts at Home Home Blog Hop! This month's topic: Love Your Failures. Head over to Jill's blog to see what other women have to say on the topic.)