Overwhelmed for I am Never Alone

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect...

I have found that I need this for my soul… to remember.

Honestly, I believe we all do. It’s one of the reasons God gave us the command to rest. We need to take time for reflection. Without it, we never really truly realize the weight of all He has done for us.

Today, I’m recalling the past 6-7 years. For my life, that was when the whirlwind hit.

February 27, 2008 was the day my dad died…

May 26, 2008 was the day my husband’s dad died…

September 3, 2008 was the day our youngest daughter was born…

She was named with a purpose to remember and honor her Papa and Grandpa.

Our Girls September 2008

We brought her to church the next Sunday just as we did with both of her sisters. For our family, attending church on Sunday mornings isn’t optional. It’s what we do. It’s where we want to be.

A couple of weeks after her birth, however, our church moved out of the building we attended since years before our oldest was born. It was a big change… especially considering we were moving from a building that was within walking distance to a school (not far from the land that would someday hold our new building), about 15-20 minutes away.

And today is the last time we will gather together as a church family in that school. Christmas Eve will feel a bit like entering the Promised Land as we gather at our new building. I don’t want to miss this opportunity to reflect.

Our Girls September 2014

Last week, our family had the privilege to do the Advent reading at church. Each one of our girls surprised us and confidently spoke into the microphone just as they were asked to do. That was the start of my emotional morning.

Our children have had the experience of doing “church” in a way that doesn’t claim a building. They’ve had the experience of helping “set up” church. There is behind-the-scenes work that they’ve had a hand in. And this morning, I am grateful.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal doing portable church. And yet, this season for our church family has truly been a gift. I pray that my girls will always remember this time in the school so that they never forget this: The “church” is the people. The “church” is not a building. If we, the people, do not actively participate… attend… serve… give… there is no church. I pray that our time at Channahon Junior High will be a memory to reinforce this in my daughters’ minds… in my mind.

2008 was a tug-of-war with my emotions. If it weren’t for writing, I don’t even know how much I would actually remember. And yet, last Sunday, as I held my 6-year-old on my hip, those memories formed in tears. She sang the words of the final two songs in my ear and I could hardly keep my composure.

The tears poured because God has done an amazing work not only in my church, but in my very own heart. Oh, how true these words are. It’s the message God wanted me so desperately to grasp. In all of it… my entire life… broken friendships; broken hearts; broken lives… I was never alone… “Never Once” and that leaves me “Overwhelmed”. It’s not about me. It’s all about God.

I don’t want to forget. I want to always remember.

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect…

And remember…

He did it all because He loves me. He loves you. If we could only all grasp His message this Christmas. This is what the world needs. That’s why Jesus is the greatest gift ever given.

Never Once by Matt Redman

"Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave

Join us at Southfield on Christmas Eve at 4:30 or 6:00 (located on Route 6 in Channahon, across from Turnstone Drive). If you can't make it then, join us on a Sunday at 9:30 or 11:00. I'd love to see you there!

Unchanging Identity

I’m his wife.

“Mom” is who I am to three girls.

I am daughter; granddaughter; sister; cousin; and niece.

To one, I am "friend".

And to another, I am "neighbor".

For a moment, I had to ponder I am still called "granddaughter" by anyone. I only have one grandparent living.

If I move I’m not their "neighbor" anymore.

And I can't control that she decided I’m no longer her "friend".

My identity feels like it can change at any moment. Sometimes, that is hard for me to cope with.

However, there is one identity I cling to that is unchanging: I am a child of God. If there is one thing I can teach my daughters, it is this: Your identity should be found in God alone. In this world where life moves faster than a spinning top, I am so grateful that my identity in God NEVER changes.

Maybe today you need to cling to that too.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” – 1 John 3:1



I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.

Fit Him In (reminding myself)

I'm not quite at that Bah Humbug stage but could use this reminder in my life right now. While my life is very different than the season I wrote this poem, it's truth still resounds in my heart. 

FIT HIM IN

The decorations need to go up

There are presents still to buy

More gifts are waiting to be wrapped

And the bows each need to be tied

Pictures need to be taken

Letters wait for me to share

Envelopes still need to be addressed

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The Christmas story should be read

The Advent wreath is lit

The Christmas play we must attend

And the school party I’ll attempt to fit

Thank you gifts for teachers

Christmas classics we long to see

Menus wait to be planned

Emotions of Christmases past grab me

There are church services to attend

Extended family I wish to see

Parties need coordinating

I hear of a family who is in need

My mind continues to mull over my list

Another good cause begs me to share

Cookies are in need of baking

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

Weekly responsibilities still beckon

Work, school, homework and such

Math facts, reading, stories to write

There’s just so very much

The kids all still need bathing

Their little bellies need to be fed

There are diapers that are in need of changing

And that Christmas story still needs to be read

The house is in need of a vacuum

Dishes mount up and I begin not to care

Laundry still sits in waiting

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The dog is asking to go out

The ground has a coating of snow

My children will be begging to play

In the yard they will want to go

My husband’s eyes have that twinkle

I need to fit in some time with my friends

Exercise is in the back of my mind

Will these demands on me never end?

I should probably wash the windows

And the carpet, hallway, and kitchen floor

I still need to wrap presents and bake cookies

And yet everyone is asking me for more

People are pulling from every which way

Responsibilities are too much to bear

I go to bed praying... I can’t do it alone

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

I wake up in the morning to the cry of my child

And thank God when she goes back to sleep

I remember I can’t get through the day without Jesus

I open my Bible with the prayer journal I keep

The Book of Luke tells me of the way

Christ Jesus came to earth

My heart is filled as I read the story

Of the angels announcing our Savior’s birth

The inn was too full for the gift

that came to Bethlehem that night

There was hustle and bustle from the census

As the shepherds out in the fields were filled with holy fright

I wonder if I would have missed it

if I were there back then

Would I have been too concerned with responsibilities

Or watching and waiting as the shepherds had been?

I need to be intentional

if I’m going to include Jesus in my day

I need to remember that Christmas is Jesus

And take the time to spend listening to Him and pray

Many of these things on my task list are a good and necessary part

It’s just none of them do quite as much

as hiding God’s Word deep inside my heart

I must not forget about Jesus

as I go from here to there

I must remember it’s all about Jesus

and find ways to fit Him in everywhere.

- Written 12/11/09 by TNT Carlson

This I Know

How do we sort through our memories… the good and the bad?

How do we cope with the events in our life… the happy and the sad?

Do you ever feel God stirring your heart as you sort and cope in an effort to put one foot in front of the other?

I’m a bit surprised at what God seemed to whisper in my heart through memories as I watched a movie while we had the windows on our home replaced…

He walks around with a carpenter’s pencil in his mouth. His tools are familiar to me. He works hard and it’s obvious he takes pride in his work. Skilled in his craft, something tugs at my heart. He whistles while he works and I can’t help but smile.

We’re having our windows replaced in an effort to save money (as well as avoid further water damage to our basement). Rather than pack everything needed to complete the project only to unpack it again the next day, the men working on our house left all the materials and equipment in our garage overnight. When I opened the door from our house to the garage this morning, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was right where it was supposed to be. There weren’t any strange animals in sight. What I saw was what is in this picture: a table saw; construction horses; ladders; and power tools as well as stacked lumber, waiting to be used as trim for our windows… Mixed with the smell of sawdust, I felt a lump swell up in my throat… I couldn’t contain the emotions and wondered why they hit in that very moment.

Growing up, this picture was commonplace in our home. My dad was a carpenter, running his own business out of our childhood home built with his hands. One side of our house held a half-court-sized room with a basketball hoop in it. While we called it the “gym”, it served more as my father’s garage/tool shed. In an effort to make a space big enough to shoot 3-point shots, we had to push dad’s tools and supplies off to the edges of the room…

I’m certain the mix of emotions with this scene as well as the ones connected to the stranger in my home were connected to the familiar memories of my daddy. The sadness I used to feel over the loss of my dad has subsided over time… It’s been almost 7 years and I’ve wrestled with a lot of emotions over that time. There are so many memories that flood my mind and heart and each one requires sorting and searching and giving them to Jesus.

My dad loved me. I know this. And yet, honestly, my dad was flawed. He didn’t love me perfectly. There is a lot of pain in my heart over the memories that thread through my life. At the same time, the fact that my dad loved me is the core of what allows me to miss him as well as make sense of the bad memories that intermingle the good ones. With the truth of my dad’s love for me, I’m able to make peace with every memory I’m left to work through without him.

As I write this, I’m watching the movie, Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins. At the point in this songwriter’s story that he decided to go to Nashville, he sang “Jesus Loves Me”. God whispered to my heart that this was the point of my sorting through these thoughts on my blog this morning.

Just as I work through memories of my dad and my childhood with the firm knowledge that he loved me, I’m learning that this is what matters. Not so much that my daddy loved me… but that Jesus loves me; God loves me. My Heavenly Father loves me.

As I cope with all the thoughts in my mind, I realize it applies to the way I attempt to manage my life. Every detail of my world needs to be filtered with this one unchanging fact: My Heavenly Father loves me. That never changes. EVERYTHING is centered on God’s love for me. And unlike the memories of my dad, God is with me as I work through the hard times and good times of this life.

This is where I find peace. This is where you can find peace. This is where our world finds peace. This is the answer: Jesus loves me. This I know.

Do you know the depth of Christ’s love for you? Get a copy of Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins and set aside time to watch it. Maybe God will reach your heart the same way he met mine. It's worth every minute and every dime. I just rented it and now I want to own it. The message is life changing!

^“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

I'm Free to be Me

“Why did God make me mean like you?” This was the question posed to me by my 6-year-old daughter. While I smiled at her inquisition, it didn’t stop my heart from twisting inside of me. “God didn’t make us mean,” I informed her. “We just need to ask Him to help us make better choices.”

The most difficult piece of raising my youngest is the fact that every time I look at her, I see my reflection as if in a mirror. She’s filled with passion and can’t contain her emotions. There’s not much of a filter on her mouth. Her strong-willed personality is a battle almost every day. When I’m faced with the need to offer instruction and discipline for her, I find myself hopeless. God, how do I help her change when I don’t even know where to begin changing myself?!

Most days, I wake up embracing the truth of Lamentations 3: God’s mercies are new every morning. Then the day begins and I face failure, disappointment, sin, comparison and discouragement. Most of these hit hard before everyone is even out the door for the day. I struggle with who I am and why I can’t ever seem to overcome.

“You are too hard on yourself.” I hear this often from those I love. Yet, I’m left with a flood of frustration because I feel the need to be… although I can’t quite identify why.

Maybe I demand perfection?

Could it be that I just don’t think I ever do enough to please God?

I relate well to the main character in the movie, Mom's Night Out. Allyson, a stay-at-home mom, finds everything about her night out going wrong. She laments, “I’m a failure. I have failed again. That’s all I do. I can’t… no matter how hard I try… how much I give… I’m not enough.”

“For Who?” She is questioned by the biker friend lending a listening ear. He doesn’t beat around the bush when he directly confronts her woes “… for you? Not enough for you?”

Tears came to my eyes as this unlikely character spoke truth into this broken momma. The words targeted my heart. Just like Allyson, all too often, I feel like I’m not good enough. I’d like to be just about anyone else other me.

In his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Author Brennan Manning states “Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing… sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency.” In these words, I felt God opening His arms as the loving Father to accept and comfort me. I continued to read the words by Thomas Merton quoted in the book, “A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”

“You are accepted,” The Ragamuffin Gospel continues. “Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you really are accepted.”

It’s me that isn’t okay with me. My husband loves me. My daughters love me. My family and my friends love me. Most of all, God loves me… just as I am. Jesus gave his life for me so that I could spend eternity with Him. How could I question that pure love by fighting against the person God created me to be?

I am passionate. Yes, that means I struggle with containing negative emotions. Sometimes this plays out in the ugliness of anger. However, most of the time, it displays itself in the beauty of love. My weakness can reveal strength if I allow it.

I am strong-willed. Sometimes I can appear stubborn and demanding. More often, it allows me to confidently lead others in following the greatest commandments: love God; love others. Yet what God is showing me is that I am leaving out “…as yourself.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I can’t love others the way God loves if I’m unwilling to embrace the woman He created me to be.

The lesson I am learning is that guilt is a messy motivation. I cannot guilt myself to live better. God has never asked me to live in guilt. As a matter of fact, Jesus came so I could live in freedom. As I read the Bible, this message is engrained into my soul: “Where the Spirit ofthe Lord is, there is freedom!” (John 8; Galatians 5; Romans 6)

It’s time to quit beating myself up. Allyson (in Mom's Night Out) writes on her mommy blog: “I’m a mess. But a beautiful mess. I’m His masterpiece… and that’s enough.” It’s time I embrace that message and live it out. God defines who I am. Not me.

Bottom line: In Christ, I’m free to be me! (…and so are you!)

Do you struggle with placing high demands on yourself that God never placed on you? Take time to read the scripture referenced in this post. God’s desire was to free us. I want my life to start reflecting this more.

^“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.