My Dearest Jaycie,
While not a one has been given to you as of yet, we’ve been
writing letters to you every year for your birthday. One day, when we think the
time is right and believe they might truly be appreciated, they will be our
gift to you. Here I sit, a couple of days after your 7th birthday,
wondering what I want to say to you this year. In an effort to move my heart
and quiet my mind, your birthday video of this past year plays in the
background. I pulled out the scrapbook of your birth story to reminisce. Honestly,
it’s a little overwhelming. Life just doesn’t stop. All my good intentions of
documenting your story didn’t meet up with the days that keep passing by all too
quickly. Here you are, a 1st grader, and I want so desperately to
press the pause button… just for a minute. Don’t get me wrong: I’m so grateful
that you are a healthy, growing girl. As you’ve reminded me many times, God
created you to grow up. It’s just hard to watch sometimes. I simply want the
opportunity to process it all.
I am in awe of how much you have changed in this seventh
year of your life. There was a confidence that brimmed with your Kindergarten
graduation setting the stage for your summer. While you have always enjoyed
hours and hours in your cousins’ pool, this year you braved fluttering your
feet to carry you from one side of the shallow end to the other. You
experienced the exhilarating joy of jumping in unassisted. And while you were always
within arm’s reach of the wall, you explored new territory of the deep end as
well.
The tooth fairy came to visit you for the first time the
same week that you learned to ride your bike without training wheels. You were
ecstatic to start first grade at Eisenhower Academy with your big-5th-grade-sister
to show you the ropes. And yet, only two weeks in to the school year, the
separation, day-in-and-day-out commitments, as well as lack of sleep and time
alone began to weigh on you. It took some time and a lot of prayer, but you
managed to get on the bus one again with silly faces instead of tears and
outstretched arms begging to stay with mom.
There are times your insecurity overwhelms me and then in
the next breath, your independence leaves my mind reeling. This has been life
with you. You want us there on your demand one moment and in the next we can
find you tucked away by yourself using your imagination with your toys. Whether
you are constructing with Legos, playing creatively with Barbies (or dolls), or
organizing your space to sit and draw (or read), it’s that quiet time which revives
your soul.
While you need that time alone, one-on-one moments are priceless
with you. These are the instants where you are willing to share your heart. I
attempt to collect every thought that seems so difficult to extract from your
brain at other times. These occasions are rare and I will want to sort through them
later entwined with my own processing emotions.
The other day, in one of these glimpses into your soul, you
were attempting to share the lyrics to a song we sang at church. I simply
couldn’t identify the music. This morning we pinpointed it and I am grateful. My
heart swells when my ears catch you or your sisters singing praise to our God.
The fact that you chose the song, “Your Love Never Fails” by Jesus Culture to
meditate on is perfect. The lyrics, “You stay the same through the ages, your
love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the
morning. And when the oceans rage, I don’t
have to be afraid. Because I know that you love me, your love never fails”
is truth I want to sink into your soul.
That’s how you will overcome your timidity, JayJay. I know
we just had a conversation about why we go to AWANA. While I explained that we
memorize God’s Word to keep us from sinning against Him, it’s also because
meditating on His Truth will provide you with the ever-necessary confidence you
need to live this life.
It boggles my mind that you are the daughter people choose to
direct their hellos and conversations to. Odds are that they’d get a response
from your older or younger sister… but they speak directly to you: the only one
wishing they would just go away. It nearly knocked me to the ground the day you
responded with words to your past teachers when they inquired as to your new
school experience. This is so opposite the usual divert-your-eyes-to-the-floor
and close-the-distance-with-mom move I’m so used to. So I find myself hoping
you are now more certain of yourself… only to be caught off guard by the
difficulty of separation that presents itself unexpectedly once again.
I love that you want to be with me, Jay. I really do. And
yet I know God created you for more. He created you for relationship with Him
as well as with others. I want you to know the security you have in His love.
He is with you everywhere, all the time. My hope is that this assurance will
sink into your soul and you will be able to share the beauty of who God made
you to be with others who are missing out. It breaks my heart that there are
only a select few able to experience the real you. I want others to laugh in
response to your silly antics. Your inquisitiveness can be a benefit to others
as well. My prayer is that your need for explanation will drive you into God’s
Word. His Truth reveals the best plan for your life. I want you to discover all
that God has for you and make a difference in this world for Him with what you
find.
I just read Daddy’s letter to you. While it will be tucked
away for the future (for your eyes only; unbroadcasted like mine), the verse he
chose is perfect for you. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or
terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never
leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
While it’s my flawed attempt of displaying God’s unfailing
love…
I love you unconditionally, the best I can,
Mommy
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