In Search of the Ideal Christmas

We baked cut-out cookies yesterday. "We" really did. Usually, I don't care to have extra people in my kitchen. I'm not very good at delegating and since I'm such a procrastinator, things are just better done quickly by myself rather than overseeing that others do what they need to.

This year, as in the past, my daughters cut out the cookies. (Despite the fact that they didn't cut out the cookies in as little space as possible to eliminate the need to continually re-roll the dough.) I placed them on the baking sheets and put them in the oven. My girls did great. I, on the other hand, dropped one shape on the floor as it went into the oven and another on the way out (twice).

[SIGH]

My oldest laughed.

And it made me smile.

Something is changing in my heart this season and I just want it to fully develop and remain there consistently in the future.

"Can we watch The Grinch?" my oldest inquired. It was past the movie watching hour. We still had cookies to frost. This does not make for an ideal family moment in front of the fire... but I agreed.

As is tradition with my controlling tendencies, I gave each daughter enough frosting to cover one of each shaped cut-out for herself. 4 cookies each for them to decorate as well as the joy of licking off any leftover frosting on their plate. As for the other 56 cookies, I frost them precisely on my own to be certain there is enough for each. Not to mention that they will appeal more to the eye. In the midst of my decorating, I heard my 9-year-old's request.

"Can I help you decorate the rest of the cookies?"

Calmly, I acknowledged that she had been heard. "I usually like to do this myself to make sure we have enough frosting for every cookie." (This, in itself, shows improvement because my first response would have been to try and ignore her and hope she'd stop asking... well, that or yell that I'm just too busy.)

"I can help," she assured me.

I quietly got her a plate and a knife to spread the icing. Her smile filled her beautiful face.

The Grinch began to play in the background as my two daughters who sandwich the one decorating with me sat down to watch it with my husband.

My little blond wanted me to hand her each cookie to frost. I was busy frosting cookies of my own. Quietly, after setting my own creation back on the cooling rack, I'd take the completed cookie from her hand, replace it with a new one and tackle another on my own.

I could feel the anxiety fighting to grab hold of my heart. Thankfully, the joy on her face and the peaceful scene in the television room in front of me won out. She was actually making the cookies appealing to the eye as well.

Something is changing in my heart this season and I want it to culminate and never go away.

This morning I read part of the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke and pondered about the anticipation in my children's hearts. Why do kids look forward to Christmas with such excitement when adults... well... don't?

All my girls do from the moment Christmas is over is count down until the next year. Tears well up inside me as the certainty of memories of that feeling within myself have faded. Now, worries and anxiety threaten to fill up my soul and steal every ounce of joy.

God has been doing a work in my heart this season. Every morning, I give him my anxiety. Throughout the day, I cast my cares on Him again. At night, my worries are laid at His feet. I can't stop the thoughts from threatening me. They come. And they come again.

Like a hot potato toss I can't give my worries to Jesus fast enough in an effort to keep them from settling in my soul. The only thing I can do is offer them up to the only one who has any control. This moment is all I have. Should the next moment require some alterations, I pray He will give me what I need to do that.

I want the ideal Christmas. And yet, it's taken giving up the ideals to attain what I've so desperately wanted. Those heartwarming moments are found more often when I relinquish control than when I so frantically work to create them.

I am still unable to pinpoint exactly what is changing inside of me. It points to my children and their anticipation and the lack of thought to anything other than the excitement of Christmas Day...

Maybe what I'm looking for is all in the anticipation of Jesus. Maybe there is something to be said about Jesus' words in Matthew 18. "He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I need to quit making my list and checking it twice. My heart just needs to make room for Jesus... in the same unhindered way my children do. Then I might just find all that I've been frenziedly searching for.

Overwhelmed for I am Never Alone

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect...

I have found that I need this for my soul… to remember.

Honestly, I believe we all do. It’s one of the reasons God gave us the command to rest. We need to take time for reflection. Without it, we never really truly realize the weight of all He has done for us.

Today, I’m recalling the past 6-7 years. For my life, that was when the whirlwind hit.

February 27, 2008 was the day my dad died…

May 26, 2008 was the day my husband’s dad died…

September 3, 2008 was the day our youngest daughter was born…

She was named with a purpose to remember and honor her Papa and Grandpa.

Our Girls September 2008

We brought her to church the next Sunday just as we did with both of her sisters. For our family, attending church on Sunday mornings isn’t optional. It’s what we do. It’s where we want to be.

A couple of weeks after her birth, however, our church moved out of the building we attended since years before our oldest was born. It was a big change… especially considering we were moving from a building that was within walking distance to a school (not far from the land that would someday hold our new building), about 15-20 minutes away.

And today is the last time we will gather together as a church family in that school. Christmas Eve will feel a bit like entering the Promised Land as we gather at our new building. I don’t want to miss this opportunity to reflect.

Our Girls September 2014

Last week, our family had the privilege to do the Advent reading at church. Each one of our girls surprised us and confidently spoke into the microphone just as they were asked to do. That was the start of my emotional morning.

Our children have had the experience of doing “church” in a way that doesn’t claim a building. They’ve had the experience of helping “set up” church. There is behind-the-scenes work that they’ve had a hand in. And this morning, I am grateful.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal doing portable church. And yet, this season for our church family has truly been a gift. I pray that my girls will always remember this time in the school so that they never forget this: The “church” is the people. The “church” is not a building. If we, the people, do not actively participate… attend… serve… give… there is no church. I pray that our time at Channahon Junior High will be a memory to reinforce this in my daughters’ minds… in my mind.

2008 was a tug-of-war with my emotions. If it weren’t for writing, I don’t even know how much I would actually remember. And yet, last Sunday, as I held my 6-year-old on my hip, those memories formed in tears. She sang the words of the final two songs in my ear and I could hardly keep my composure.

The tears poured because God has done an amazing work not only in my church, but in my very own heart. Oh, how true these words are. It’s the message God wanted me so desperately to grasp. In all of it… my entire life… broken friendships; broken hearts; broken lives… I was never alone… “Never Once” and that leaves me “Overwhelmed”. It’s not about me. It’s all about God.

I don’t want to forget. I want to always remember.

Slow down…

Pause…

Stop…

Reflect…

And remember…

He did it all because He loves me. He loves you. If we could only all grasp His message this Christmas. This is what the world needs. That’s why Jesus is the greatest gift ever given.

Never Once by Matt Redman

"Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave

Join us at Southfield on Christmas Eve at 4:30 or 6:00 (located on Route 6 in Channahon, across from Turnstone Drive). If you can't make it then, join us on a Sunday at 9:30 or 11:00. I'd love to see you there!

Unchanging Identity

I’m his wife.

“Mom” is who I am to three girls.

I am daughter; granddaughter; sister; cousin; and niece.

To one, I am "friend".

And to another, I am "neighbor".

For a moment, I had to ponder I am still called "granddaughter" by anyone. I only have one grandparent living.

If I move I’m not their "neighbor" anymore.

And I can't control that she decided I’m no longer her "friend".

My identity feels like it can change at any moment. Sometimes, that is hard for me to cope with.

However, there is one identity I cling to that is unchanging: I am a child of God. If there is one thing I can teach my daughters, it is this: Your identity should be found in God alone. In this world where life moves faster than a spinning top, I am so grateful that my identity in God NEVER changes.

Maybe today you need to cling to that too.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” – 1 John 3:1



I'm linking up today with Jill Savage for the Hearts at Home Blog Hop, "Third Thursday Thoughts". Check out what other moms are saying on the topic, "Love your Personality," at Jill's blog.

Fit Him In (reminding myself)

I'm not quite at that Bah Humbug stage but could use this reminder in my life right now. While my life is very different than the season I wrote this poem, it's truth still resounds in my heart. 

FIT HIM IN

The decorations need to go up

There are presents still to buy

More gifts are waiting to be wrapped

And the bows each need to be tied

Pictures need to be taken

Letters wait for me to share

Envelopes still need to be addressed

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The Christmas story should be read

The Advent wreath is lit

The Christmas play we must attend

And the school party I’ll attempt to fit

Thank you gifts for teachers

Christmas classics we long to see

Menus wait to be planned

Emotions of Christmases past grab me

There are church services to attend

Extended family I wish to see

Parties need coordinating

I hear of a family who is in need

My mind continues to mull over my list

Another good cause begs me to share

Cookies are in need of baking

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

Weekly responsibilities still beckon

Work, school, homework and such

Math facts, reading, stories to write

There’s just so very much

The kids all still need bathing

Their little bellies need to be fed

There are diapers that are in need of changing

And that Christmas story still needs to be read

The house is in need of a vacuum

Dishes mount up and I begin not to care

Laundry still sits in waiting

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

The dog is asking to go out

The ground has a coating of snow

My children will be begging to play

In the yard they will want to go

My husband’s eyes have that twinkle

I need to fit in some time with my friends

Exercise is in the back of my mind

Will these demands on me never end?

I should probably wash the windows

And the carpet, hallway, and kitchen floor

I still need to wrap presents and bake cookies

And yet everyone is asking me for more

People are pulling from every which way

Responsibilities are too much to bear

I go to bed praying... I can’t do it alone

And Jesus asks me to fit Him in somewhere

I wake up in the morning to the cry of my child

And thank God when she goes back to sleep

I remember I can’t get through the day without Jesus

I open my Bible with the prayer journal I keep

The Book of Luke tells me of the way

Christ Jesus came to earth

My heart is filled as I read the story

Of the angels announcing our Savior’s birth

The inn was too full for the gift

that came to Bethlehem that night

There was hustle and bustle from the census

As the shepherds out in the fields were filled with holy fright

I wonder if I would have missed it

if I were there back then

Would I have been too concerned with responsibilities

Or watching and waiting as the shepherds had been?

I need to be intentional

if I’m going to include Jesus in my day

I need to remember that Christmas is Jesus

And take the time to spend listening to Him and pray

Many of these things on my task list are a good and necessary part

It’s just none of them do quite as much

as hiding God’s Word deep inside my heart

I must not forget about Jesus

as I go from here to there

I must remember it’s all about Jesus

and find ways to fit Him in everywhere.

- Written 12/11/09 by TNT Carlson

This I Know

How do we sort through our memories… the good and the bad?

How do we cope with the events in our life… the happy and the sad?

Do you ever feel God stirring your heart as you sort and cope in an effort to put one foot in front of the other?

I’m a bit surprised at what God seemed to whisper in my heart through memories as I watched a movie while we had the windows on our home replaced…

He walks around with a carpenter’s pencil in his mouth. His tools are familiar to me. He works hard and it’s obvious he takes pride in his work. Skilled in his craft, something tugs at my heart. He whistles while he works and I can’t help but smile.

We’re having our windows replaced in an effort to save money (as well as avoid further water damage to our basement). Rather than pack everything needed to complete the project only to unpack it again the next day, the men working on our house left all the materials and equipment in our garage overnight. When I opened the door from our house to the garage this morning, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was right where it was supposed to be. There weren’t any strange animals in sight. What I saw was what is in this picture: a table saw; construction horses; ladders; and power tools as well as stacked lumber, waiting to be used as trim for our windows… Mixed with the smell of sawdust, I felt a lump swell up in my throat… I couldn’t contain the emotions and wondered why they hit in that very moment.

Growing up, this picture was commonplace in our home. My dad was a carpenter, running his own business out of our childhood home built with his hands. One side of our house held a half-court-sized room with a basketball hoop in it. While we called it the “gym”, it served more as my father’s garage/tool shed. In an effort to make a space big enough to shoot 3-point shots, we had to push dad’s tools and supplies off to the edges of the room…

I’m certain the mix of emotions with this scene as well as the ones connected to the stranger in my home were connected to the familiar memories of my daddy. The sadness I used to feel over the loss of my dad has subsided over time… It’s been almost 7 years and I’ve wrestled with a lot of emotions over that time. There are so many memories that flood my mind and heart and each one requires sorting and searching and giving them to Jesus.

My dad loved me. I know this. And yet, honestly, my dad was flawed. He didn’t love me perfectly. There is a lot of pain in my heart over the memories that thread through my life. At the same time, the fact that my dad loved me is the core of what allows me to miss him as well as make sense of the bad memories that intermingle the good ones. With the truth of my dad’s love for me, I’m able to make peace with every memory I’m left to work through without him.

As I write this, I’m watching the movie, Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins. At the point in this songwriter’s story that he decided to go to Nashville, he sang “Jesus Loves Me”. God whispered to my heart that this was the point of my sorting through these thoughts on my blog this morning.

Just as I work through memories of my dad and my childhood with the firm knowledge that he loved me, I’m learning that this is what matters. Not so much that my daddy loved me… but that Jesus loves me; God loves me. My Heavenly Father loves me.

As I cope with all the thoughts in my mind, I realize it applies to the way I attempt to manage my life. Every detail of my world needs to be filtered with this one unchanging fact: My Heavenly Father loves me. That never changes. EVERYTHING is centered on God’s love for me. And unlike the memories of my dad, God is with me as I work through the hard times and good times of this life.

This is where I find peace. This is where you can find peace. This is where our world finds peace. This is the answer: Jesus loves me. This I know.

Do you know the depth of Christ’s love for you? Get a copy of Ragamuffin:The True Story of Rich Mullins and set aside time to watch it. Maybe God will reach your heart the same way he met mine. It's worth every minute and every dime. I just rented it and now I want to own it. The message is life changing!

^“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19