The Reality of my Unbelief

Sitting on the floor, gathered around this loved one, I asked God to grant her healing. Then I sobbed. I knew the emotions were likely to present themselves in an ugly way. Deep in my heart, however, I knew/know that my feelings did and do not determine who God is.

I was invited to join a group of women to pray for my friend’s sister who lives in chronic pain. We believe in an all-powerful, all-loving God who heals our diseases. However, as the evening approached, I felt apprehension fill my heart. Would my struggles with unanswered prayer (more accurately: a big fat no to my request) hinder any power in this evening of prayer because of my anxiety towards the situation?

I truly do believe in an all-powerful, all-loving God who gives good things. It’s just that reality causes me to wrestle with some unbelief in my heart. When my dad died in February of 2008, I was faced with a choice. Would I blame God? (If He truly is all-powerful, He could have healed my dad from cancer like I requested.) Or would I run into His arms? (If He really is all-loving, His love for me remains even in my disbelief). Did His apparent lack of response to my pleading change the very truth I had always been taught? Do my feelings get to define the Truth?

I can’t help but think of my own parenting when I consider my disappointment with God. There are many times my children make a request that I am quite capable of granting. And while I love my children, I still say “no” a lot of the time to their begging and pleading. Blessed with more knowledge and wisdom then my kids, I know that not everything they ask for is beneficial. My children are quick to express their disappointment with the situation. It will not change the truth of my love from them. As a matter of fact, it may just be that in denying them their demands, love is better expressed than if I would grant their every wish. In their frustration, my girls may not be able to comprehend my love. This does not change my love.

How does this come into play when my Heavenly Father apparently ignores my appeals? Honestly, I still wish that my dad was here on this earth. There are many moments where I feel his absence and desire to have him share this life with us. However, the growth I have experienced in my relationship with God due to the loss of my earthly father is something I would like to believe my dad would have died willingly for. What greater desire is there for a Christ-follower than to know their children are walking in the truth? (3 John 1:4)

As I sat on the floor at the feet of this woman loved by the God who has the power to heal her, I shared my heart. Among these women-of-faith, I was faced again with my disappointment that God did not heal my dad in the way I had believed He would. What did this mean for the woman sitting there in pain? Did I believe God could heal her? Did I believe He would heal her? The well of emotions I thought had been dealt with sprung up fresh and in abundance. “Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:14-29) As my heart poured into prayer that evening, I didn’t know if God would choose to heal the woman our prayers were centered around. And yet, simply by praying, I was reminded that the power of prayer is not in our requests or the even the faith of those who are lifting them to God. The power is in the One we pray to. Just by asking, I am trusting and saying I believe He is who He says He is.

While I struggle with unbelief, I fill my soul with Truth and know that one day I will understand more fully. Until that day, I will continue to trust that in my immaturity, I cannot possibly understand my Father’s unconditional love. And yet, His love still remains. My feelings do not get to determine God’s love. For he is the very definition of love. (1 John 4:8)

My Children Drive Me To...

The topic for May’s Hearts at Home Blog Hop is “How has being a mom changed you? For good? For bad?”

I never felt equipped to hold the title of “Mom”. When I first found out I was pregnant, I cried. We had been married for a few years, but the responsibility of raising a child was overwhelming. How was I going to prepare another human being to live in this world? It was hard enough to face each day on my own.

With my oldest now entering the preteen years, I still feel unqualified to raise my children. I’m caught up in the comparison game and berate myself constantly for the mistakes I make. When I tell my husband that I’m worried we are messing our kids up, he assures me that we are. “It’s all about damage control. We’re going to mess them up. It’s just a matter of how bad it will be.” God, I pray you will cover my mistakes in the same way you’ve covered all my sins.

Being a mom has completely changed my relationship with my God. Children have a way of driving moms to the arms of Jesus. The moment I held my firstborn in my arms, I understood a little more deeply the love God has for me. When my children run to me with their every problem, I think about the last time I ran to my Heavenly Father for help. As I wrestle with my desire to fulfill their every request in light of our financial situation as well as what is best for them, I think about the way our God desires to pour out blessings on our lives that much more. Even as I watch my children’s behavior, disappointed at the choices they are making, I find myself running to God with a desire to change myself. I had no idea that becoming a mom would make me so ever-dependent upon my Savior.  This is the facet of motherhood I am so grateful for.

While my relationship with God has been enriched through this role in my life, anxiety has increased. I never considered myself prone to worry. It just didn’t seem like a productive emotion. Ten years later, I find myself consumed with worry about the big things (like what school my children will attend and whether or not they will marry a man that will remain faithful) to little things (like the stomach flu and whether or not I remembered to pack everything they needed for the day). My need to control is not something I am proud of. The lack of trust I exhibit in the God of the Universe is disheartening. Still, even in my worry, I am forced to get real with my Lord.

Motherhood seems to highlight the worst in me more often than not. It is easy to beat myself up about it and allow guilt to overwhelm me. I may not feel equipped to be a mom but God entrusted me with three little girls that I have the privilege to raise for Him. What I feel does not define truth. When I find myself lost in a world of self-pity for not being the mom who has it all together, I simply need to find God’s Truth and allow it to transform my thoughts and actions.

Sometimes my children do drive me crazy. There are phrases out there that our children can drive us to do worse things. Our children should always drive us to the feet of Jesus. It’s the best place we all can be.

"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." (2 Corinthians 3:16-18)

Positive but not Pretending (in our marriages)

The words felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I was shocked. Really, should I be though? It seems to happen more often than not these days. My mouth hung open as my friend told me about another friend whose marriage has crumbled.

My thoughts spun as the tears flowed when I finally was able to process the information. While I haven’t talked to my friend all too recently, it doesn’t feel all that far in the past that our last conversation occurred. Did I fail her by not being there during the season that led up to this outcome? What could have been done to prevent it? Is there some way I can reach out now to let her know how saddened I am by this news? My heart hurts for her, her husband, her children... and honestly, for me. How is it that I never see these things coming? And if it continues to happen to so many people that I hold dear to my heart, does that mean my marriage can break, too?

I just read a post this morning about our part in helping not the unions of those around us. Author Sheila Wray Gregoire's second point about watching the way we talk about our husbands really struck a chord with me. Most likely because it is the area I feel I need to most work. As I’ve been thinking about her article and my friend’s situation, I can’t help but wonder if there is some sort of middle ground here.

Thinking back on this friendship, I cannot recall any moments where my friend spoke negatively about her spouse. She may have in the recent season where I became rather absent in her life... but it just doesn’t seem to me like she would have. Assuming she didn’t talk negatively about her spouse, how do you get from a point of no complaining to a shattered family? Is there some middle ground between speaking positively about our spouse and still being authentic about our life’s circumstances?

Do you assume that many around you have good marriages? Does it appear that those couples who greet you with a smile at church on Sunday have it all together? What about the people who display their affection publicly and often? I hardly ever question the status of marriages where couples share similar hobbies and get out often. Yet, they are all still at risk… including yours and mine.

I’m discouraged. How do we move from pretending we all have it together to getting real with one another? Where are we able to go to talk about the difficulties we have in our marriages and still be encouraged to stick them out? I’ve found it in my community. We’re pursuing marriages that honor God together and yet we are still real that we struggle. There are times where we’ve lost that loving feeling but we know there are covenants involved. We take that seriously and encourage each other to persevere. Do you have people you can surround yourself with who will be authentic?

Nobody has a perfect marriage. If we can just understand this foundational truth, I think we can be honest about our marriage struggles with trustworthy people. Once we are honest, others will open up as well. Where we can find authenticity and safety, we can find encouragement and growth.

So as we encourage one another to speak positively about our husbands, let's also be real. Tossing the complaining aside doesn't mean we need to pretend we have it all together. It simply means we need to honor God with our conversations. With the right community, we can share our heartaches and be encouraged to make marriages last all at the same time.

"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. Those who refuse to gossip or harm their neighbors or speak evil of their friends. Those who despise flagrant sinners, and honor the faithful followers of the Lord, and keep their promises even when it hurts. Those who lend money without charging interest, and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent. Such people will stand firm forever." (Psalm 15 NLT)

Great verse

"When I am overwhelmed,
you alone know the way I should turn."

- Psalm 142:3a

Mother's Day 2012

This year for Mother's Day, we chose to go to Blackberry Farms in Aurora. While the drive was much longer than I remember, it was a relaxing time together alone as our family. It is a goal of ours this year to implement more activities where we form memories with just the five of us together. Blackberry Farms was a great atmosphere for this!

The girls at the log cabin.

Waiting for the train. (Even though we weren't able to ride this time, there weren't very many people around. We were able to take the train two other times for a peaceful ride around the pond.)

I got to cuddle with these two cute girls on the train ride.

(Andelise rode with daddy.)

At the one room schoolhouse, the girls were able to enjoy drawing on slates with chalk.

We enjoyed the museums of a more peaceful time. I often wonder what life would have been like living in those days. Sure, it would have been harder in so many ways. Sometimes I question whether we are really better off with all the improvements that have come into our lives.

While Andelise was able to enjoy riding on the little tractor, her sisters were too big.

Jaycie and Ande both got to have a couple of pony rides while Nikelle watched with us. Unfortunately, Nike has just gotten too big for pony rides. Thankfully, she kept a good attitude and understood.

The girls were able to enjoy many rides on the merry-go-round.

I am so thankful for a day where I could truly enjoy being a mom. It was so nice to spend the day with my husband and girls making memories.

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)